Chapter 10

Gary was puzzled by Abby reaction to going to the hospital but for fear of upsetting her worse he dropped the subject. Eventually the police finished documenting the apartment and packed up their gear. When the last officer had left Gary shut and locked the door behind him. Abby stood up and took Grace to her crib. When she returned Gary asked her to sit down next to him on the couch and gently broached the subject, which had been on his mind since her outburst. “Abby why did it upset you so much to go to the hospital? I’m not trying to be pushy but I have never seen you so upset over a matter that seemed so minor.” He asked quietly. He could feel Abby begin to tremble in his arms and she was silent for several moments. “I was just overwhelmed. I wanted everyone to leave so we could be alone and I did not want to go anywhere.” She said shakily. Gary gazed at his wife for several seconds before responding. “I don’t think that is really what was bothering you. Why won’t you tell me the truth? You know you don’t have to be afraid to tell me anything. I am not going to be mad.” Gary said finally. Abby didn’t say a word. She sat there silently trembling. “I am telling the truth.” She tried again. “Well if you ever decide you want to tell me what upset you Abby I will be ready to listen. I am not going to push you for details until then.” He said reassuringly. Abby just nodded.

Abby and Kim were having their first “girl’s night” since Grace had been born. The guys had gone out so the women had the apartment to themselves. Wedding magazines and books covered the coffee table as they hunted for a wedding gown. “I am so glad you can help me with this.” Kim said relieved. “I was really starting to wonder if I would be able to plan this wedding all by myself.”  Abby glanced at her lap. “I’m so sorry I haven’t been there much for you in the past few months. It has been so hard for me to adjust and get my feet back under me since Jay died. I don’t know what is wrong with me. It’s like it was easier for me to feel normal when he was alive and always a few steps behind me than now that he is gone.” Abby said perplexed. “Just give yourself time.” Kim said gently. “You have a huge adjustment to make. Jay has plagued your life for so long you don’t know how to live without looking over your shoulder. If you just take your time you will learn.” She continued. “Abby look at me.” Abby glanced up from her lap. “Remember you don’t have to do this alone. Gary and I are here for you. All you have to do is call on us.” She said. “I know.” Abby said slowly. “But you know how hard it is for me to depend on others. I am just so used to not having anyone to trust it is hard for me to realize there are people in my life who care about me and want to help.” She admitted. Kim reached out and pulled Abby into a hug. When the embrace broke both women quietly pick up magazines and went back to their search.

“How was your day?” Gary asked leaning down to kiss Abby. “Fine” Abby answered simply. “Abby I know things have not been easy for you the past few weeks but I really wish you would stop shutting me out. If you would let me in on what you were thinking I might could help you or at least be aware of how you are feeling.” He said pleadingly. “So much is running through my mind right now it is impossible to put it all into words. I feel like an animal that has been caged his whole life and when he gets his freedom doesn’t know what to do. In a way living in fear of Jay was my security. It was the one sure thing in my life.” Abby said sadly. “Even when I was moving around and changing jobs all of the time.” She continued. “I have never thought of it in that way.” Kim said thoughtfully. “I don’t think Gary would understand if I told him I feel less safe with Jay gone than when he was alive.” Abby confessed. “He is trying so hard to understand and help me. I just feel so sorry for him because I think if I told him it would make him worry more but he still worries when I don’t.”

“Why don’t you try him? At least if you tell him he will know what is going on in your head. You don’t need to carry this alone anyway.” Kim said gently. “He told me the same thing but I just don’t want him to worry anymore than he has to.” Abby said wiping away tears. “He’s your husband. It’s his job to worry about you. Just like it is yours to worry about him.” Kim said. “I guess I will try to talk to him tonight after dinner.” Abby sighed. “It can’t make things any worse than they already are.” She admitted. “Just tell him. Gary is not going to love you any less no matter what happens and you might be surprised how he can help if he knows how you are feeling.” She encouraged. The conversation turned back to a wedding gown until Grace woke up and Abby rushed to the nursery to take care of her. Later Abby stood at the door with Grace in her arms. Together they watched Kim walk out to her car and climbed in. When she had driven out of sight Abby shut and locked the door before going to the kitchen to start on dinner. Abby placed Grace in her bouncy seat before turning to the stove to start water boiling for mashed potatoes. Abby leaned down to place the meatloaf in the oven. A scratching noise at the window caused her to jerk upright. She felt scorching heat radiate through her body and she whisked it away quickly. Running over to the sink she turned the tap on and put her hand under the water. Grace began to wail sensing Abby’s distress. The pain coursing though her hand made Abby dizzy and she thought for a moment she was going to faint. When she became too lightheaded to stand Abby sank to the floor in front of the sink. Grace continued to wail but Abby could not muster the strength to get up and take her out of the seat.

Before Gary even unlocked the door he heard Grace’s desperate wails. As he entered the living room Gary spotted Grace sitting in her bouncy seat and rushed to pick her up. Cuddling her closing and trying to soothe the distraught baby Gary turned around and what he saw nearly made him drop Grace. Abby sat on the floor in front of the sink edging on consciousness. Placing Grace back in her seat he rushed to Abby and knelt on the floor in front of her. “Abby? What’s wrong?” He asked trying to keep his voice calm. Abby lifted her palm toward revealing the seared him in answer. “Okay.” He said calmly going to the refrigerator he opened the door and started filling a freezer bag with ice. “We need to get you to the hospital.” Gary said quickly. “No! I can’t go to the hospital.” Abby said suddenly finding her voice. Going to Abby Gary sat down on the floor next to her. “Honey you need to tell me what has you so afraid to go to the hospital. You work there so it’s not like you aren’t familiar with the place.” Gary said gently. Abby sighed deeply as if the fear was suffocating her. “I was planning to talk to you this afternoon then I did this while I was cooking dinner.” Abby said before her voice cracked. Gary pulled a tissue and stuffed it into her uninjured hand. She wiped her eyes before going on. “Going to the hospital reminds me of all the times Jay beat me up. Only I didn’t have someone I trusted to take me there or stay beside me and hold my hand. Since he died going to the hospital has gotten even more frightening for a reason I cannot even explain.” Abby sighed again then was silent. “What can I do to help you?” Gary asked after several minutes. “Go with me and hold my hand the whole time?” She asked timidly. “I can do that.” He returned. “But how about if I call Kim and ask her to watch Grace first?” He asked smiling. Abby sighed again. “I knew I would have to get over this at some time but I was really hoping it would not be so soon.” She said. “Maybe it will be best to just face this fear head on.” Gary said quietly. “But you know you don’t have to do it alone. I will be there with you the whole time.” He tried to reassure her. When Kim arrived Gary had helped Abby move to the couch where she was holding ice on her injured hand. “What happened Abby?” Kim asked sitting down beside her. Abby remained silent Gary answered instead. “She burned her hand while cooking dinner.” Gary gathered up Abby’s things before coming over to the couch. “I will have my cell phone if you need to get a hold of us. Grace is probably hungry so you can go ahead and fix her a bottle. She should be ready for her nap after she is done eating.” He instructed. “We will be as soon as we can but I won’t be surprised if they want to admit her.” Gary said hastily. Taking the baby from Kim Gary kissed her on the cheek. “I’ll see you later Grace. Be good for Kim.” He told her. After Abby was in the car Gary drove away.

“This is a really bad burn. How did you get it?” The doctor asked. “I put my hand on a burner on the stove.” Abby said vacantly. Gary stood beside Abby’s bed as the doctor finished examining the burn and began explaining how they would be treating it. Abby had been alarmingly calm during the whole process. It seemed to Gary she had just shut down. A few hours later Gary helped Abby back into the car before going to the driver’s side and climbing inside. Abby rested her head against the door and closed her eyes. Gary could tell the evening’s events had taken a lot out of her. As he drove home Gary kept glancing over to Abby who seemed to be sleeping. When he had parked in front of their apartment Gary gently shook Abby’s shoulder to wake her up. “We’re home, honey.” He said quietly. Her eyes fluttered open and then shut again. Sighing Gary went to the front door Gary waited for Kim to open it. “Abby is sound asleep. I am going to have to carry her in.” He told her. “Would you go and turn the covers back on our bed so I can bring her straight in there?” He asked. “Sure.” Kim said already turning in the direction of the bedroom. Gary went back to the car and unbuckled Abby’s seat belt. After he carefully gathered her into his arms Gary lifted Abby out of the car and headed toward the door. Once inside he gently placed Abby on the bed and gently covered her before turning to get ready for bed himself. After he had seen Kim out Gary crept quietly to the nursery. He stood over Grace’s crib watching her sleep. Sighing he headed to take a shower before going to bed.

Abby awoke the next morning to a throbbing pain in her hand. She could hear Gary in the living room cooing and playing with Grace. As much as she would have liked to join them Abby could not muster the energy to get out of bed. Tentatively she turned over and tried to go back to sleep. When she moved waves of nausea hit her. When she felt steady again Abby forced herself to sit up bracing for the assault she knew would come with the action.  Sitting on the edge of the bed Abby fought the second attack of nausea. Abby heard Gary enter the bedroom but found herself unable to move again for fear of the consequences. “I wanted to come in the living room” She said weakly “but I think I need to just lie down again. Can you help me?” She asked hesitantly. “Sure honey. Whatever you need.” He answered. When she was lying down again Gary hovered over her. “Do you need anything? Something to drink maybe.” He asked worriedly.  “I think I will be okay if I can just lie still for a little while. Maybe later I will try a little Sprite.” She said. Grace began crying and Gary went to see about her. She heard him fixing a bottle and talking to Grace in the kitchen. Abby longed to be with them but the memory of the nausea prevented her from attempting to get out of bed. Abby felt her self being sucked into the black hole of sleep again and let it take her under again. When she awoke later Abby listened for a few minutes but heard nothing. Tentatively she sat up and found the nausea to have subsided. Quietly she crept into the living room. Gary was sound asleep on the couch with Grace sleeping on his chest. Abby sat down in the chair nearest the couch and enjoyed the sight. Gary awoke a few minutes later. Smiling he gently ran his hand down Grace’s back. She sighed but did not wake up. Abby walked over to the couch and knelt down beside Gary. “Feeling better?” He whispered. “A little I think.” She whispered back. Gary gazed down at Grace. “I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you but this little girl has really stolen my heart.” He admitted. “Every time I think about how I felt when I found out I was pregnant my heart aches. I can’t imagine my life with out her.” Abby said sadly. “The way you felt was understandable considering the stress you were under at the time.” Gary tried to sooth. “I just feel so guilty for not wanting her. I should have been thankful for the fact I could have a baby.” Abby said tearfully. “It was not your fault.” Gary said rubbing his hand over her back. “I guess you are right but it is going to take me a long time to forgive myself anyway. I acted like a spoiled brat because God did do things like I expected him to.” Abby said slowly.

“I can’t believe today is the day.” Kim said as Abby adjusted the train on her gown. Abby walked to the door and peeked out at Grace who was sitting on Gary’s lap. The music began and Abby rushed to take her place in line. Kim looked more nervous than ever as her father took his place beside her. Abby longed to take Kim into her arms and tell her everything would be okay. Instead she just smiled reassuringly back at her before starting down the aisle. Abby took her place then turned to watch Kim sweep down the aisle on her father’s arm. She glowed with the happiness overflowing from her heart. Nick lit up the moment he saw her. When Kim turned to take Nick’s hands she handed her bouquet to Abby. The wonderful fragrance drifted in the flowers to Abby’s nose and made her think about her own wedding bouquet. Like these she had also chosen roses. Before she had tossed it Abby took one to save which she had tucked it away in her Bible. She remembered coming across it the other day while looking up a verse. It still held some of the fragrance like it had been placed there only days before. It was a pleasant reminder of one of the happiest days of her life. For the first time in a while Abby realized how good her life was. God had taken the burned remains of the life she thought she should have and brought it up out of those ashes. What she had was a very full and happy life and the promise of a bright future ahead.

Clapping and cheering brought Abby out of her thoughts. She glanced up to see Kim and Nick embracing and Abby realized she had missed the whole ceremony. As they turned to leave the church Abby joined Gary and Grace where they stood. Taking Grace she kissed her on the cheek before reaching up to do the same to Gary. He looked stunned for a moment and she realized he had been caught off guard. When she glanced up at him again he was smiling down on her. The reception, which followed, went quickly and sooner than she was ready Abby found herself watching Kim and Nick climb into a limo on their way to honeymoon in Cancun. As she stood outside with the rest of the wedding party Abby wiped away a few tears as she watched the car pull away. Kim and Nick had a lifetime of happiness ahead of them. Abby realized now she did too. Year before Abby never would have thought her life would be so full and happy. She never thought Jay would actually be caught and pay with his life for what he had done. His death had freed her from the years of fear and sorrow. She was now free to live anyway she wanted and not have to look over her shoulder ever again. It was like the sun was rising for the first time in Abby’s life as she realized to potential the days ahead of her held.