Call me crass and ''bout to turn 50, but those cute teenie weenie faux-females who never gave birth to at least one child can''t tell me jack about the perfect body, which by the way is documented in the Library of Congress in the same category as the Pink Elephant book genre.

And since I can''t speak as a man (nor do I plan to have the operation) there are certain risks involved when embarking upon a writer''s life.

Yessirree ladies and gents, it''s sad but true that when writers expand the mind, the butt, like Mary''s lamb, is sure to follow. Yet even after weighing all the pro''s and con''s of cellulite vs. liposuction,I still find the folloing seven benefits of my pad, pen, and chair that holds my sumptiously-padded writer''s booty incredibly scintillating.

For example:

1. Writing reduces my stress level. It also keeps my marriage solid when I can pound my computer keyboard with rampant abandon as opposed to using a cast iron skillet on the object of my frustation. Besides, nobody serves jail time when pounding a keyboard. (Thin line between love and hate.)

2. Writing is great for the brain, but bad for the butt. And if you do a lot of it like I do, just remember that the next time you go shopping for a new outfit these three simple rules: (a) Buy low, size high; (b) Nothing with belt loops or elastic waistlines, and (c) If it ain''t comfortable enough to sleep in, then honey it ain''t fit for buyin''

3. When I get depressed, writing saves me $95.00 an hour. (Beat THAT WalMart!!!)

4. I have the perfect excuse for not inviting people over to visit me at home. "Oh, my house is such a mess; let''s go out!" knowing full well that as a writer my house is always in a mess. It''s motivation to publish a best seller and hire a housekeeper. As long I have electricity for lights, running water to clean myself, a box of snack crackers and a free-flowing toilet with at 24 pack of bath tissue (extra fluffy), this lil'' writer is good to go!

5. While most normal people need a sleep pattern of 7-8 hours per day before going to work, as a writer I can make it just dandy with just one eye open and a spell check. (Hold up, "Sleep". . . ." Pattern". Now that''s about as blatant of an oxymoronic myth for any serious writer. If I can find my way to the ''fridge and the bathroom in the dark, all is right with the world.

6. When it comes to a writer''s sex life. . . oh, never mind.

7. And last but not least: we can impress our friends and never make a dime. But in the words of Chicken George, "we sho'' is happy!!!" (Now don''t gettin'' all sensitive on me--I''ve seen roots four times. Wait a minute, I AM ROOTS!!!)

So since medical science has surmised that we need to be both physically and psychologically sound (you know that whole mind-body yakyak) I think as a writer, there''s no place like home, and if my butt expands, so does my mind.



© 2004 by cynth''ya lewis reed