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Prison Diaries #2: Life Without Jermaine, by his mother, Angela Dawes, aged 18 1/2 by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado
Friday, May 21, 2004
Rated "PG" by the Author.
Angela Dawes, 18, continues her musings as she sits in her cell at a women's prison, where she is in jail for neglecting her infant son, Jermaine, who died last year after being left in a hot van while she went shopping.
Fri., May 21, 2004~
I don't know how I keep my sanity. I still can't believe that I am here, that I did such a stupid thing that has cost me my freedom, my life, my family, and, worst of all, the life of my baby son, Jermaine. Because of my stupidity, my life as I know it is over, over, and I am now stuck inside a prison cell with other women who have commited crimes, and I don't WANT to be here!
I am the baby of the outfit; I am one of the youngest ones here, and the women look at me like I am some kind of freak, some kind of patsy, or some monster. They heard about what I done to Jermaine, and they have threatened that they are going to kill me and that I had better watch my back when I am asleep. (In my cell, there are three other women that I share living quarters with.)
Then people wonder why I look like hell when they see me. Wouldn't YOU look like a walking zombie when you are being threatened for your very life, being locked up in a jail cell with a bunch of other lowlifes who did unspeakable things, or have nothing to do but look at four walls all day or eat tasteless mush that they (the prison guards) call FOOD??
There are ladies here who murdered their husbands because they had enough of their abuse and they couldn't take it any more; and there are ladies here who were arrested for doing dope and drinking while driving and their actions either seriously injured or killed another human life; and there are ladies here who drownded or abused their kids because they were so whacked out on drugs or they couldn't handle the kids; so they decided to kill them. They talk rough, and they LOOK it too. Some of the ladies here are BIG, BIG, and some of them have such mean faces and powerfully built bodies; and they think that they queen of the hill; they have such shitty attitudes; and frankly, they scare the living hell out of me.
There are also KIDS here..there is a 12-year-old girl who was arrested for the stabbing deaths of her parents, and she looks like a little kid. She may be 12, but she looks no older than ten, and whenever I see her scared, young face, or her slight, childlike build, my heart breaks for her because she doesn't belong in such an awful place like this, and I can't imagine what must have happened prior to her killing her parents or even why she did such a horrendous crime! I see her at meals, and I can't help but to be drawn to her. Maybe the next time I see her, I will go up to her and ask her name..start up a conversation, and just to let her know that I care for her and that I can understand what she must be going through inside.
I also can't sleep because I still see the young, laughing face of my baby boy, Jermaine, and I relive the nightmare of my being arrested or hearing the news of his death over and over in my head, like a neverending nightmare, and I feel ashamed because I was the cause of my baby son's death, and no matter what I say, do, or even think, I can't have him back again, and nothing I do will ever make him come to life again! If it were not for my going to that store by myself and not taking little Jermaine in with me, this would have never happened; and I would still have my son now! He would have been two the day after Memorial Day, and now he will never grow up, will never go to pre-K or to regular school, will never make new friends or have campouts or sleepovers, will never know the joy in learning how to drive or buying his first car, will never know the excitement of going on his first date or having a steady girlfriend, or will never know what it will be like to get married or start a family of his own! Because of my actions, I have been denied my parental rights, I will never know what it will be like to have grandchildren, and I will never see my son get big and become a man! And my family has disowned me; in their eyes, I no longer exist, and they no longer will have anything to do with me; and you can't imagine the hurt and pain I feel inside every day whenever I think of my family shunning me! Don't they know that I made a mistake that I will now have to live with for the rest of my life??
I have to go now; it is time for me to get to work, plus I am bawling my eyes out for the umpteenth time. (Seems that's all I have done since I came here...cry my eyes out!) Yeah, even though I am in prison, I have a job here, and if I am late, I will be punished; and I don't want to do that! I have already been punished enough by society and by what I have done; I don't need more crap piled up on top of me!
Will write later~
~Angela Dawes, aged 18 1/2.
*To be continued.*
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Reviewed by Louise Bohmer
5/28/2004
Poor girl, my heart goes out to her. Yes, she made a mistake, but are we not all human and therefore, couldn't we have made the same mistake? It is so easy to judge when we haven't walked in that person's shoes. Blessings to you Karen, for posting this young girl's story. Yes, she made a mistake, but she deserves to be forgiven and handed a second chance. Thank you for sharing her story. You have such a kind heart!
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