Nicole writes another letter to her deceased father, in the hopes of coming to terms with his death.
Monday, May 24, 2004~
Dear Daddy:
This is your daughter, Nicole, again. I am still having a hard time dealing with your death and the fact that I will never see you ever again; and I am still having my "poor, poor, pitiful me, my daddy is dead" moments. But as I write these feelings down in my journal, or do these private letters to you, somehow I feel a bit comforted, and I somehow feel a little bit better, because I know that you are still there, inside of me, and a part of you will always live on in me.
I have since apologized to Mom for my being a little bitch, and I have also since apologized to my best friend, Ronee'. I didn't realize just how miserable of a person I was until I read my last entry, and from what I read, I guess I was pretty angry about what had happened to you, and I was having a very hard time dealing with my innermost feelings. I guess death will do that to a person, but I am normally not this way; and it was also starting to affect my health; so I have been talking with my doctors and also with a child psychiatrist about my feelings and about my losing you in that wreck; and somehow it has been helping. In fact, she was the one who suggested that I write a letter to you, even though you are no longer here; and it really has helped. I have done a lot more crying than I have since you died, and I also have been having a better grip on my feelings, and I haven't been having as many problems with my arthritis acting up so much.
I now realize that Ronee' was busy because she was getting ready to go to her trip to Alaska, and I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions and said that she dumped me when she really hadn't. She was just excited about Alaska was all, and who could blame her; but I was jealous of her, and I took her excitement all wrong, I guess. She did get me some postcards and a book about Alaska, and she also got me a teeshirt; so I guess I shouldn't have been too mad at her now! At least she THOUGHT of me when she was in Alaska; she could have forgotten all about me, but she didn't! She and I have since apologized, and we are now on speaking terms again! I hate it when we fight; I can't imagine my life without Ronee' or her crazy self!
And my mom: mom is under stress because of her job, and also because of my special health needs; and I haven't been a barrel of laughs lately! My pain makes it hard, and to me, there is NOTHING fun about pain, going to physical or occupational therapy each and every week, being in the hospital with a "flare", or having to wear braces or use crutches or a wheelchair; but as I said last time, there are people who have it a lot worse, and I keep forgetting that! I have NOT been very nice to mom; I have told her a time or two for her to "go to hell" when she got after me again about my messy room or not doing my homework right, and I have NOT been at all nice to her at times! I know she is only looking out for me and my best interest, but sometimes she treats me like a goddamn baby, and this is why I get mouthy at her! (I am like you in some ways, daddy; you weren't afraid to speak your mind at times; and I guess I inherited your stubborn side! So I guess in that way it is good, but I don't need to be cursing or talking like a potty mouth! Hell, I AM just a kid, and kids should be respecting their elders, NOT dissing them, like I have been lately!)
I remember when you would get so mad at me for cussing; but it was kind of hard NOT to do it when I heard you do it all the time! I know you wanted me to be a little lady, but to tell you the truth, I HATED being a lady, and I wish I could have been born a BOY instead of a GIRL! HOW I wanted to play sports (but couldn't because of my stupid arthritis!), and HOW I always enjoyed those outings to the baseball games when we were still in San Diego! The Padres were (and STILL ARE) my favorite team in baseball, and I owe that to you! Thank you for showing me a love and appreciation for sports, especially baseball! And thank you for taking me to all those baseball games! I always had a blast with you, daddy, and I shall never forget our "special times" together!
I don't know if I will ever muster up the courage to forgive the man who killed you by acting stupid; maybe I will, and maybe I won't. Only time will tell; but I will tell you this: he was the one who changed my life forever, and it was because of his stupid actions that you are now dead. I still cry for you at night, and I still have bad nightmares about the accident, or dying along with you in the accident; but since I have started going to counseling, those dreams are becoming fewer and far between, thank goodness; and I have been able to express my anger or frustration by talking out my feelings or by writing out my feelings in my notebooks or by doing letters such as the one I am doing now. But I still miss you, and I always will, and you don't know HOW many times I have wished that you could just walk right into the front door and give me my nightly "noogie" or tell me that you love me, just as you did when you were alive! I also miss your great Italian dishes and your smell, and your big smile, and your kind, outspoken nature! I guess I am a lot like you in a lot of ways, even though I look more like mom; and I am glad that I was able to enjoy you as long as I did! At least I had a daddy who loved and cared for me, even though I was sick, and I am glad you stuck by me and by mom when things got so bad with my hospitalizations or surgeries!
I will write more later; but mom is hacked off at me again; she says I have made another fucking mess in my room, and she is getting sick and tired of picking up after me again! (That's another way I am a lot like you...we were both huge slobs! LOL) I better go before she gorks out again!
I miss you, Sweet Daddy, and I will always do so! Please let God know that I am thinking of you, and tell God not to be so mad at me for my cussing! Hope to see you someday in Heaven!
Sepsis knocked her down and out. Faith, hope, and gave her the strength to get back on her feet. I am a Runner She fought the river of death They said she'd never run again
She proved them wrong...
This book is an autobiographical account of the lessons I learned about life and how I was able to apply them to inspire, motivate and empower others in my own work as a firefighter, as well in my daily life as a husband, a father and a man. When I w
A passionate and poignant memoir written by a woman whose life has been guided by the words: "I am here to learn how to love well." The book is a deep examination of relationships, family, motivation, and honoring of the Self.
