Chapter 4

The next morning Kim felt her world crumble from underneath her. The consequences of years of purging finally caught up with her. “Your heart has sustained substantial damage. The only thing that can help you now is a heart transplant. It could take months or years for you to get to the top of the list. I’ll have the transplant team coordinator come down and talk to you.” The doctor said reaching a hand out to console his patient. Kim felt her resolve breaking and the doctor’s kind grip almost pushed her over the edge. Kim fought to control the tears forming behind her eyes. When the door had shut behind the doctor Kim began sobbing into her hands. Nick placed a hand on her shoulder. Words failed Nick, as he too was stunned to speak. Abby walked in carrying a vase of fresh flowers. When she noticed Kim’s distraught condition Abby’s smile crashed. Setting the flowers on a table Abby rushed to her friend and sat down on the bed. “What’s wrong?” She asked knowing the news had not been favorable. Nick relayed the conversation with the doctor. When he finished Abby gently took Kim in her arms and smoothed her hair while Kim wept on her shoulder. As her tears started to dry Kim broke the embrace and turned to pull a tissue from the box. Sullenly she blew her nose and then retrieved another to wipe her eyes. “I’m going to die.” She said solemnly. “You can’t think like that. You have to keep a positive attitude. That is the most important thing you can do right now.”  Kim stared at the tissue she had wadded up in her hand. “I don’t want to be optimistic and then be let down months from now when they tell me a transplant is not even going to work. Do you know how many people die every day waiting for a transplant? Kim asked looking Abby in the eye. “I do. I work with people like that every day. They wait for months and years. In the end they just wither way still holding out hope for a miracle.  I’m not going to waste my time thinking I am going to get a miracle. If it happens then I will be grateful if it doesn’t then I have no reason to be let down. I just have to live every day like it is going to be my last.

Abby fought to contain the panic rising inside of her. Kim was resigned to die. If she kept thinking that way, Kim not stay alive long enough to get her transplant. Abby knew she had to do something but at that moment she couldn’t think of anything to tell her best friend to make her realize there was a reason to hope. Excusing herself Abby hurried back to her office. After informing her staff not to disturb her Abby locked herself in her office and went to her desk. Laying her head on her desk Abby closed her eyes and did the only thing she could, pray. Abby poured out her heart to the person who had made Kim’s heart and had control of the situation.  As she prayed Abby felt peace wash over her. God would take care of Kim. He would provide the miracle she needed even if Kim didn’t hold out hope. He loved Kim and had a purpose for everything that happened in her life. When Abby returned to work she felt a calm come over her. Everything was going to work out just as God had it planned. Abby was confident of this.

Kim was released the next day. Both Kim and Nick carried a pager from the hospital. This made them available for contact from the transplant team if a heart became available even if they were away from home. Against the recommendations of her doctor Kim planned to return to work on Monday. Nick had tried in vain to talk her out of it but Kim would not be persuaded. She was determined to live her life as normal as possible as long as she was able. As they drove home Kim rested quietly. Nick stared straight ahead but his thoughts were far away. His gut was telling him Kim working in her weakened state was not a good idea. He understood Kim had resigned herself to not getting a transplant and wanted to live her life as if tomorrow was her last day. He wished there were something he could say or do to give Kim hope. Thinking of living his life without her in it was unbearable. Every time it crossed his mind Nick tried to banish the thought. Even if Kim had given up hope he refused to let this win. A transplant would come before it was too late. Nick was sure of it.

When they arrived at the apartment Abby, Gary and Grace were waiting inside for them. After Nick helped Kim into the house Abby sat down on the couch next to her.  Grace played happily at their feet as the two women talked.

Later as Kim and Nick stood at the front door seeing Abby and Gary off Kim felt Nick silently slip his arm around her waist. After the car had disappeared from view the couple made their way in the house. After a light dinner they retired early.

“I’m pregnant.” Kim felt her jaw drop at Abby’s words. As she sat staring at her best friend Kim thought for a moment she might have to use her hand to make her mouth close. Recovering herself Kim reached across the table to hug her Abby. Feeling the rigid way Abby returned the hug Kim withdrew to give Abby her space. “I’m so happy for you!” Kim exclaimed finally finding her voice. “I’ll bet Gary is about to explode.” She chattered not noticing the way Abby stared down into her coffee cup. “I haven’t told him yet.” Abby said miserably. “I just found out yesterday and have been in shock so bad I haven’t worked up the courage to tell my own husband he is going to be a dad again.” Abby said as tears began to fill her eyes. Kim gazed into her own coffee cup urgently seeking words to console her hurting friend. “What’s wrong? I thought you would be thrilled to be having another child. Both of you have said more than once you wanted a large family.”

“Something’s not right. I can feel it. My blood work hasn’t all come back yet but something inside of me is telling me something is not right with this baby.” Abby said fighting a sob. Kim reached out and took Abby’s hand.  “You don’t know yet. Everything might be just fine. Why don’t you wait until you have some proof before you start worrying yourself to death?” Kim said quietly after Abby’s sobs had died away. “I have very good intuitions. I always have. When I feel something is not right it always turns out to be something worth worrying about.” Abby said looking Kim in the eye. “I know Gary probably senses something is bothering me. I have tried to hide my worry as much as I can but I am sure he is starting to catch on. I just hope I have confirmation or contradiction of the fact which is pounding though my being.” Abby said with a sigh. “I would hate to have to face him with just my own suspicions.”    Kim had to agree. Gary was not going to be as understanding as she was able to be of Abby unfounded worries. He was likely to want to brush them aside.

As Kim drove home the hospital beeper on her belt suddenly started alarming. Her heart pounded as she pulled off the road before plucking it from her belt.

After a brief conversation Kim found herself speeding to the hospital. She called Nick frantically as she drove. He tried to calm her as his mind raced. Quickly gathering his things Nick rushed to the meet Kim at the hospital.

Kim parked in the first spot she found and turned the motor off on her car. Forcing herself to calm down Kim rested her head on the steering wheel for a few minutes. “I know you have a plan for all of this.” She whispered into the silence. “Please comfort Nick and keep a protective hand over me. Guide the doctors and nurses who will be performing the surgery.” Kim prayed before shoving the door of her car open and making her way into the hospital.

The next hour was chaotic as the staff rushed to prep Kim for the surgery. Kim was alarmed when she did not find Nick waiting for her. She tried to convince the nurses not to take her to surgery until Nick arrived but they insisted time was running out and if the surgery was to work they needed to get her in the operating room as soon as possible. Disappointedly Kim allowed them to do their job but kept watching hopefully for Nick. She prayed she would be able to see her husband before she was taken to surgery. As the time drew closer her hopes began to fade. When she was wheeled into the operating room Kim prayed she would come through the surgery and get to see her husband again. It bothered Kim to think she might never again get the chance to tell Nick good-bye or even how much she loved him. A black plastic mask was brought to her face and for a moment Kim wanted to escape the funny smelling gas. When she started to feel her head spinning Kim relaxed and let the feeling take her under.

Nick barreled through the automatic doors of central general and franticly searched for Kim. When he did not find her he approached the seized a nurse in the hall and breathlessly inquired about Kim. She gently directed him to the front desk. When he heard Kim had already been taken to surgery Nick nearly collapsed where he stood. After regaining himself Nick went to the waiting room where the nurse directed him to wait and sank into a chair. Hours passed like ages as Nick anxiously waited for a report on Kim. Dread and relief fought for control when Nick noticed a doctor still wearing his surgical mask walking toward him. Nick rose weakly. The doctor shook his hand and then invited him to sit down again. When they were both seated the doctor slowly began. “We encountered complications during your wife’s operation. She is in ICU now and will stay there for a few days so we can keep a close eye on her. She is stable right now but her condition is very delicate.” He said. “When can I see her?” Nick asked weakly. “In about an hour she should be settled. You can see her for a few minutes at that time then when again at about eleven thirty which will be the last time tonight.” He said before rising to leave. Nick sat for a moment and allowed relief to wash over him. When he had collected his thoughts Nick realized he needed to call Abby and let her know what was going on. Rising he patted his pockets until he remembered he had left his cell phone in the truck. After retrieving it Nick dialed the number as he sat under the steering wheel. He was about to hang up when he heard Abby pick up. Regretfully Nick realized how late it was. He should have waited until morning. A groggy voice brought Nick out of his thoughts. “Hello?” Nick recognized the voice as Abby. “It’s Nick. I wanted to let you know what was going on. Sorry I woke you up. I didn’t realize how late it was. Kim had her transplant. She is in ICU now. Things seem to be going well. They encountered complications but she is stable now.” Silence hung heavy as Abby processed the words. “I’m coming down there. I will be there as soon as I can.” Nick heard Abby already moving to get dressed. When he hung up Nick slipped the phone into his pocket before making his way to the waiting room. When the nurse told him he could see Kim Nick barely waited long enough to be told where to go. He rushed through the double door then realized he didn’t know where to find her. A nurse directed him to a cubicle near the back of the corridor.

He found Kim in the sterile, white bed surrounded by machines making strange noise. He tentatively made his way to Kim’s bedside. A nurse approached the bed and began making notes into Kim’s chart.

After she left Nick cautiously reached out to smooth the hair away from Kim’s eyes. Her eyes fluttered open for a moment. Suddenly she began to struggle as if fighting an invisible rival. Nick gently tried to restrain and soothe her. Nurses rushed in to assist him. Soon they had both of Kim’s arms pinned to the bed. She continued to struggle as a sedative was introduced into her IV line. As the medicine made it way into her system Kim began to relax again. Tentatively Nick released his grip on her arm. She stayed quiet as the nurses went back to what they had been doing. He stayed a few minutes more until an announcement came that visit time was over. Dejectedly he followed the crowd back out to the waiting room. 

Kim awoke amid a sea of tubes. She tried to fight her way through them. If she could just get some of them out of the way Kim could see who was on the other side. With her arm pinned to the bed Kim grew frustrated. She fought to communicate her intent to those restraining her. Out of the corner of her eye Kim saw a nurse adding medicine to her IV. When the darkness started sucking her under Kim realized was being sedated. “Why are they doing this to me? All I want is to be able to see.” She thought she succumb to the blackness.

Kim didn’t wake up at all the rest of the day. She was kept under heavy sedation.  After the episode the day before the doctor thought it would be best if Kim were kept in a drug induced coma to allow her body time to heal. It bothered Nick to see his wife in the unresponsive state but he knew she needed time to recuperate.   

“We’re going to take Kim off the sedation today and if she does well she will be moved to a private room this afternoon.” The doctor spoke hopefully as the looked Nick in the eye. Everyone had been encouraged when Kim’s vital signs had been stable for the past few days. Nick had not been away from the hospital for even an hour for the last three days. Abby had been in and out since Kim had gone in to the hospital. She had been forced to leave a few times to take care of Grace or answer a page. A steady stream of visitors had continued which kept Nick from feeling alone.

When the nurse came approached Nick he held his breath thinking she brought bad news. “Your wife is awake and asking to see you. If you will follow me you can see her for a few minutes.” Nick rose and followed her silently. She pulled back the curtain to Kim’s room and he entered quietly. Kim laid in the bed her breathing the only indication she was alive. Some of the tubes had been cleared away. The room looked larger with some of the machines gone. When she heard him enter Kim’s eyes flew open and she struggled to sit up. Nick rushed to her side and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. Talking quietly he tried to soothe her. She reached out for his hand and relaxed against the pillows. He smiled down at her and stroked her cheek.  She smiled back up at him weakly. Kim tried to speak but only small sounds came out. Nick reached for the ice on the table and spooned a few chips into her mouth.

Placing the cup on the table Nick turned his attention back to his wife. “I was so scared.” She said weakly. “I was afraid I would leave this earth having not said Good bye or telling you how much I loved you.” Tears filled her eyes and trickled down her cheeks. Nick wiped them away quietly. “I was afraid I would never see you again too.” He admitted choking back tears of his own. “You’re going to be fine now. The doctor said your new heart is working perfectly. They are going to move you to a private room this afternoon.” Nick said cheerfully. “I’m glad.” Kim said drifting to sleep again.

Kim awoke in a different room. Most of the machines she had grown accustomed to where gone. Nick was asleep on the couch a few feet away from her. Kim realized had probably not gotten much sleep in the last few days.  The strain and exhaustion showed even when he slept. She knew it would be a losing battle but Kim decided she would try to convince him to go home to sleep tonight. He needed rest as much as she did. He would end up in the hospital soon if Nick didn’t start taking care of himself. She didn’t like the idea of spending the night alone but Kim knew it would be best if Nick went home tonight. As she watched him sleep Kim thought about what she would say. She was sure he would not see the need to take care of himself but if he was going to be of any use in helping Kim recover he needed to think of his own health not just that of his wife.

 Nick adamantly refused to leave Kim alone in the hospital. “I’ll rest when you get out of here.” He told her closing the subject. Kim sighed. She had not intended to hurt his feeling. Kim wished he would see how she was only trying to look out for him. It hurt her to look at his face, etched with wrinkles and large circles under both his eyes. She watched as he started making out the couch and preparing for sleep. A nurse entered carrying a tray full of medicines. She set several small cups in front of Kim. They chatted as Kim took her medicine and the nurse checked her vital signs for the last time of the night. “It looks like you will be going home soon.” The nurse said glancing up from Kim’s chart. “The doctor has noted to release you tomorrow if things check out well.” She said placing the chart back into it’s place.  Nick just smiled at Kim speechlessly for a moment. Both of them had started to feel trapped in the walls of the hospital and the thought of finally being free from the sterile for the first time in three weeks left both of feeling a little giddy. Kim was the first to find her voice.  “I can’t believe they are finally letting me go home. I was starting to think I  might never get to leave this place.” She said laughing. Nick started to laugh too and reached across the bed to hug his wife.

The next day as Nick was bringing some of Kim’s luggage to the car he met Abby on her way to visit Kim. She was relived to hear the good new of Kim’s release but Nick noticed she seemed to have something on her mind. She drifted to the window and gazed out solemnly. Nick approached cautiously and propped his elbows on the window sill.  Silence hung heavy between them. Abby finally broke the silence after a few minutes. “There is something wrong with the baby.” She sobbed, turning her tear streaked face toward him. “I haven’t said anything to anyone not even Gary.  I couldn’t tell Kim because she didn’t need anything else to worry over. The doctor isn’t sure what the problem is they are still running tests trying to narrow the options down” Digging out a tissue Abby blew her nose before turning back to him. “I’m sorry Nick. I didn’t mean to unload everything on you.” She said softly. “Don’t worry about it. You’re under a lot of pressure right now. I’m not trying to tell you what to do but maybe you should tell Gary. This is his baby too and he needs to know what is going on.” He said reaching out to squeeze Abby’s arm. “I know this couldn’t have been easy on you. Please let me know if there is anything Kim or I can do. You should tell her. I think she can handle it now.” Abby nodded as she wiped tears away from her cheeks. “I think I will step into the Ladies’ Room before I Go in and see her.” Abby said turning to leave. “I think that would be a good idea. I’m sure she is going to figure out something is wrong anyway but maybe you can avoid having to tell her today. I think it would be best to give her a few days before you tell her about the baby.” He said gently.

Kim thought she might explode as she waited for Nick to come back. He had gone to take the things both of them had acquired during the extended stay in the hospital. He seemed to be taking much longer than Kim thought was needed to carry the things to the car and come back. When the doctor had checked during his morning rounds and had given the green light for her release Kim had been ready to leave that moment. Kim had been crestfallen when she realized it would take time for the paperwork to be processed and had found it hard to hide her disappointment.  As the day wore on she found it increasingly harder to contain her restlessness. Kim had been locked in her sterile prison for too long. She was ready to get on with her life.

Kim heard a knock on the door and Abby poked her head into the room. Her eyes were swollen and bloodshot. Kim could tell she had been crying. “What’s wrong?” Kim asked concern rising in her heart. Abby sighed as she crossed the room and carefully lowered herself in the chair next to the bed. “I was hoping to keep from telling you for a few more day but I guess I have kept this from you long enough.” She began quietly. “Some of the tests on the baby are coming back normal. They are still doing tests but things are not looking hopeful.” She started sadly. Kim felt her heart breaking for Abby. “How does Gary feel about this?” She asked sadly. “I haven’t told him yet. You are the second person I have told.” Abby said glancing down at her hands.  “I know I should have told him but he has been  so busy at work and trying to remodeling the nursery I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him. He is really hoping we have a boy this time.” She said beginning to sob. Kim got up off the bed and crossed the room. Abby stood up and Kim folded her into her arms. “No matter what happens things are going to be okay. You need to tell Gary so you don’t have to carry this all alone. It’s too much for one person to bear alone.” Kim said into Abby’s hair. “I know I shouldn’t have tried to handle this alone but I didn’t really have anyone to turn to. You were sick and Gary wasn’t really available. It’s has been okay most of the time but I had to talk to someone and Nick was available. I think I shocked him when I started pouring my heart out to him.” Abby said drying her tears with a shaky hand. Kim pulled some tissues out of the box and handed them to her friend. Abby took them gratefully. She dabbed her cheeks before wadding them up and blotting the corner of each eye. When Nick came back he had a goofy grin on his face. He raised his hand revealing the reason for his expression. “I picked these up on my way here.” He said “we are all set to go. Are you ready?” 

After gathering up the last of Kim’s things Nick retrieved a wheelchair. Abby accompanied them to Kim’s car before going to her own. As they pulled away from the hospital Kim prayed Abby would find a way to tell Gary about the potential problems with the baby. She was going to need his support during the days to come. Kim knew Gary would be understanding and kind with his wife.

Nick watched Kim from the corner of his eye. She was deep in thought and from the creases in her forehead Nick would guess she knew. “What’s on your mind? You have been awfully quiet since we got in the car.” He asked finally. “Abby told me about the baby.” Kim responded sadly. “It’s not fair Nick. Both of them were so happy about this baby. They deserve for things to work out and for both of them to be happy.” She said fighting a sob. Nick pulled the car to the side of the road and cut the engine off.

“We don’t always know why thing work out the way they do or why bad things happen to good people but through it all we can trust in the fact God knows what he is doing even when we don’t see his plan for things.” Nick reached out and gripped Kim’s hand firmly. She jerked her hand away and turned toward the window. “I’m tired of life not being fair and never making sense” she sobbed. “I am not going to just pretend no matter what happens it everything will work out! It is never right for a baby to be born with a disability or to die before it has a chance to really live!” She yelled whirling around to look at him. Nick knew part of the reason for Kim’s outburst was the tension and stress from the past few weeks. He tried to handle the situation so she did not get more upset than she already was. Her health was already at stake. “Honey everyone is upset over this disturbing news. No one thinks it is fair but it doesn’t do any good to get all worked up and upset. You really need to calm down. You won’t be able to help Abby at all if you land yourself back in the hospital. You want to help Abby don’t you? She really needs a friend right now.” Nick asked quietly. “I guess you are right. I do need to calm down. The hospital is one place I don’t want to go back to any time soon.” She said with a sigh. As she settled back into her seat Nick started the car and pulled it back on to the road. Kim was quiet the rest of the ride home. 

When they arrived home Kim stood in the middle of the living room enjoying the view of her things surrounding her. After a few minutes she walked to the couch and sank gratefully into the soft cushions. “Maybe you should lie down for a while.” Nick suggested sitting down beside his wife. “You need your rest.  Kim was silent for a moment before she answered. “I’m okay. If I need rest I will lie down later. I just want to enjoy being at home with my husband right now.” She said finally. Nick opened his mouth to protest but the phone began ringing and he rose to answer it. Picking up the receiver Nick said “Hello?” A sob answered his greeting. “Nick I need to talk to Kim. This is Abby.” Nick fought to keep control and to calm Abby before handing the phone to Kim. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his pulse racing. “Please just let me talk to Kim!” Abby pleaded. Nick reluctantly handed the hone to Kim who decided to take the call in another room.

“The baby is going to die!” Abby wailed. Kim pressed the phone closer to her ear and tried to decipher what Abby meant. “Did you get the rest of the test results?” Kim asked already knowing the answer to her own question. “Yes. The baby has a rare disorder where her lungs won’t develop. When she is born the baby will not be able to breath and will die just moments after her birth.” Abby sobbed. Kim sank on to the bed and tried to process what she was hearing. The child Abby and Gary had been anxiously await would not even live past her first day. The horrible truth hit Kim like a ton of bricks. “I’m so sorry Abby. This is such a shock I don’t know what else to say.” Kim said breathlessly. “I just had to tell someone and you were the only person who came to mind. “Gary is devastated. He hasn’t said much. I guess he is trying to be strong for me but I can see he is really hurting over this. He was really looking forward to this baby. He was hoping we would have a boy. The last ultrasound showed it was going to be another girl. The doctor wanted me to have an abortion but I refused. I am not going to kill my baby. Whatever happens when she is born is God’s decision. He is still in control no matter what.” Abby said firmly. “The doctors don’t always know. This baby might be just fine when she is born or she might even beat the odds and survive. I’m not going to give up hope. Like you said God is in control. He is the only one who really knows what the future holds for this baby.” As Kim spoke she tried to make herself believe her own words. She could feel her chest tightening and knew she needed to calm down before she landed herself back in the hospital.