This is the first part of a story that is completed in my July newsletter, (and leaves folks in stitches), courtesy of my cousin Audrey in Pennsylvania.
TRUE STORY:
Subject: The Hamster
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below may have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son''s hamster to the vet. Here''s what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He''s just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I''m serious, Dad.
Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer _expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do."Honey," I
called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She''s having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn''t want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it''s just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We''re about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn''t THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too - don''t you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don''t appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It''s breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let''s get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don''t think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God''s sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
Sign up free for "TWIRP", cynth''ya''s end-of-month Author''s Den newsletter, and find out what Ernie''s "problem" was. . .
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Peter Paton
(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend in tx., karen lynn. ;D