Learning Freedom

Chapter 5

Kim hung up the phone a few minutes later. Despair pressed her so hard Kim could hardly breath. Nick found her still sitting fixed to the spot she was in.  He approached the bed and quietly sat down. “Abby’s baby is going to die!” Kim’s sob broke the silence. Nick put his arm around his wife’s shoulders. He could feel the sobs shaking her shoulders. When he tried to take her into his arms he wretched away from him and moved out of his reach. “It’s not fair Nick! Why is this happening to them?” She wailed. “Honey we don’t know why things work out the way they do but God knows what he is doing even when we don’t think so.” Nick said going to Kim. He folded her into his arms and felt her melt against him. Gently he lead her to the bed and helped her lie down. After he covered her Nick crawled into the bed beside his wife and wrapped his arms around her. Fatigue from her outburst soon overtook Kim and Nick felt her muscles relax as she fell asleep. It wasn’t long before Nick felt sleep sucking him under as well. When he awoke  darkness reigned outside. Kim still slept soundly. Nick slipped quietly from the bed and went quietly to living room. His stomach rumbled reminding Nick they had gone to sleep before either of them had a chance to eat dinner. Going to the kitchen Nick quietly started rummaging through the refrigerator. Soon he had two sandwiches and cold sodas on a tray. He carried it to the bedroom and used his foot to open the door. Kim was just starting to stir when he entered the room. She rolled from her side to her back and smiled up at him. “Hi.” She said softly. “Did you sleep well?” He asked setting the tray carefully on the bed. “I thought you might be hungry. I know I was.” He said climbing into the bed beside her. “I’m not very hungry tonight. I don’t think I am going to eat dinner.” She said sitting up in the bed. “You need to eat something. The last time you ate was lunch. You need to keep up your strength.” He said firmly. Kim hesitantly picked up one of the sandwiches and started to nibble it. Nick opened one of the sodas and handed it to her. She took a long grateful swallow before turning back to him. “Thank you for insisting I eat. I didn’t know how much I needed it.” She said. Nick just smiled back at her. It wasn’t long before both of them were sound asleep again. They didn’t stir again until late the next morning.

The phone ringing woke Nick just after ten o’clock the next morning. He fumbled for the phone with his eyes half open. Kim leaned on one elbow and peered around Nick at the clock. Nick sat up on the side of the bed as he picked up the phone. ”Hello?” he muttered. Gary’s panicked voice came over the line. “Something happened to Abby at work this morning! They had to take her to the emergency room. I think she went into labor early. I’m headed over there now and I was hoping you and Kim could meet me over there.” He said hastily. Nick went to the dresser and pulled out a suit of clothes not even caring if they matched. Kim got out of bed and stood next to Nick. “What’s going on?” She whispered. “We will be there as soon as we can. I’m getting dressed.” Nick said before hanging up the phone. He placed the phone on the dresser top before turning to Kim. “I don’t have all the details yet and won’t really know what really happened until we get there but something happened with Abby and the baby. Gary is on his way there now and wanted us to meet him over there as soon as we can. We need to pray Kim. Nick said they had to take Abby to surgery. The doctor couldn’t even wait for Gary to get there.” As Nick spoke Kim had started going through the motions of getting dressed but her mind was on Abby and what they might find upon arrival to the hospital. Kim gathered her purse and then joined Nick in the car. They sped to the hospital tensely neither of them wanting to discuss what they might be walking into. Kim prayed both Abby and the baby would be okay and the test results were a mistake.

Nick sped to the emergency room entrance of the hospital. Before he parked Nick let Kim out at under the drive through shed. Kim walked through the  automatic doors and searched for Nick. When she inquired at the desk she was told Nick could be found upstairs in the Neonatal Intensive Care Waiting room.  When Nick joined her together they rushed to the elevator.

Kim saw Gary as soon as the doors opened. He sat slouched in a chair holding his head in his hands. Kim and Nick sat down on either of him. Nick placed his hand gently on Gary’s back. He glanced up then and the relief on his face was evident. “I’m so glad you are here. I don’t know what to do with myself. They won’t tell me anything. She is in surgery but I don’t even know what happened. She was fine when she left the house this morning. Abby felt fine. I don’t know what could have gone so wrong in three house. I think I heard a nurse say something about her lung collapsing during the surgery but I am not sure.” He said as his face contorted with emotion.

Kim’s heart ached as she watched the way Gary was suffering over Abby. They loved each other so much. Kim knew if roles were reversed Abby would be equally concerned over Gary.  Kim remembered when Jay, Abby’s ex-husband had kidnapped Abby. Gary had been beside himself until they had received word Jay had been captured and Abby was safe. Kim remembered standing at a distance and watching them when they had been reunited. Kim was pulled from her thoughts when a nurse approached. Gary was asked to follow her. Nick and Kim remained seated until Gary turned and asked if they would go with him. Kim followed behind Nick tentatively unsure of if she was prepared for what awaited them.

The nurse led them down a long corridor. She opened the door then stepped back to allow them to step inside. Kim could see Abby lying on the bed covered with a thin blanket and threadbare sheet. Machines surrounded her bed. Gary entered the room and went straight to the bed. Kim saw Abby’s eyes flutter when Gary touched her hand. She tried to speak but the ventilator prevented any sound from coming out. Gary gently tried to soothe her.

Kim couldn’t believe what she was hearing. For a moment Kim thought her ears were not working correct. “The babies alive. She must be determined to beat the odds. The doctors are all shaking their heads. They said she is not in the clear yet. She isn’t breathing on her own yet. Maybe tomorrow you will feel like going down to the nursery and see her. They can’t move her yet.” He spoke reassuringly. Kim stood in the doorway trying to process what she was hearing. She had assumed since Gary had not mentioned the baby she had died right after she was born as the doctors had predicted. Kim  felt her legs giving way. Suddenly Nick was beside her holding her steady. Gently he guided her to a chair and helped her sit down. Light streamed into the room as the door was swung open to admit a doctor wearing his white lab coat over green surgical scrubs. His face was tense as he approached the bed. Everyone held their breath as he began speaking. “Your baby is beating all the odds. In the last hour was have been able to wean her from the ventilator and she is now breathing on her own. Her lungs seem to be getting less stiff than when she was born. Of course complications could still set in but this little girl is a fighter and a true miracle. She has dumbfounded everyone in this hospital.” He said shaking his head. Gary shook the doctor’s hand as he left the room.  Kim was pulled from her thoughts by Gary speaking. “Kim I think Abby wants to see you. She keep motioning for you.” Kim rose carefully while testing her legs. When she found them to be steady Kim walked to the bed. Abby raised her hand and Kim brought a shaky hand to meet her’s.

When Abby fell asleep Gary, Nick and Kim made their way to the nursery. They stood in front of the window and peered through the glass they got their first glance at the small miracle. The squirming pink form in the bassinet took Kim’s breath away. “I never really thought this baby would survive. I guess this should show me how not to underestimate what God can do.” She said quietly. Silently Nick put his arm around his wife.

As Nick glanced at the baby in the window his mind drifted to the thoughts of the future when they would hopefully start a family of their own. Nick desperately wanted children but because of Kim’s past it was unsure if Kim would be able to have children.  If she wasn’t able to have children Nick prayed she would consider adoption.

When Gary went back upstairs to check on Abby Nick decided it was time for them to go home. They parted ways with Kim promising to come back early the next morning. As soon as they arrived home Kim felt the fatigue of the day starting to catch up with her. Seeing how tired Kim was Nick insisted she shower and go straight to bed. Even if she wanted to Kim realized she didn’t have the energy to resist. As the warm water washed over her Kim tried to allow her muscles to relax. When she emerged from the steam Kim realized how the stress had effected her. Slipping into her favorite pair of pajamas Kim brushed her teeth and towel dried her hair before opening the bathroom door. She found Nick waiting for her in the bedroom.  He watched her closely as Kim crossed the room and climbed gingerly into bed beside him.  As she settled in Kim found herself stifling a yawn. “It’s been a long day and I know you have to be beat. I’m a little tired myself. Maybe we can both sleep in tomorrow morning.” He said.

Kim heard Nick speaking but sleep started sucking her under and his voice drifted farther away by the moment. Finally the last traces of conscious  slipped away and as hard as Kim tried she could not stay awake. Nick glance down at Kim who was resting on his shoulder. He had felt her fully relax into his and Nick knew she had fallen asleep. Reaching over carefully Nick turned off the light and tried to get some sleep. He found it hard to shut his mind off. Gary and Abby’s baby was beating the odds. Even if things didn’t end as everyone hoped they would it was still a miracle she had even survived her first day. Nick thought it had to be clear to everyone God had a plan for this little girl. He fell asleep praising God for the way he was working in his life and in the lives of everyone around him.

Kim awoke to bright sunlight streaming across her face. As she turned over Nick emerged from the bathroom. He crossed the room and took a T-shirt from the dresser then pulled it over his head. Kim raised herself on to one elbow carefully. “You’re awake.” Nick said smiling as he crossed the room and sat down on the bed. Leaning down he pressed his lips to her’s for a long passionate kiss. When the kiss broke Kim lowered herself back on to the bed and stared up at the ceiling. “Do you know how long it has been since we have kissed like that?” She asked not turning to look at him. She felt him lower himself on to his back and lie next to her. “I don’t exactly know but too long.” He said reaching across to take her hand. Kim turned her head toward Nick’s. Silently their lips brushed again. The kiss took Kim’s breath away and left her speechless. Kim peered into Nick’s eyes and saw the joy dancing across them. Kim opened her mouth but the phone ringing interpreted her. Nick placed a finger over her lips. “Hold that thought.” He said raising himself on both elbows and sitting up on the bed he reach behind him and grabbed the phone. Kim turned over and sat up on the edge of the bed. “No, you didn’t wake us up. We were just being sort of lazy this morning.” She heard him say. “That is unbelievable. I am so glad to hear it.” She heard him say. 

Kim went to the bathroom. Standing in front of the mirror Kim peered at her disheveled reflection. Pulling a hairbrush from the drawer Kim quickly ran it through her hair. “You need a haircut.” She said to the woman in the mirror. “But this will have to be enough for today I guess.” She said sighing. Tossing the brush back into the draw Kim plucked her toothbrush from the glass on the sink and slathered a bit of toothpaste across it.  After brushing her teeth Kim dropped the toothbrush back in its place. “This is as good as I get today.” She said with a final glance in the mirror on her way from the bathroom.

Kim found Nick seated at the kitchen table leaning over a the daily news and a bowl of cereal. His hair was tousled and he still wore the clothes from the night before. Before he knew what was happening Kim sneaked up and wrapped both her arms around his neck. “Good morning.” He said  turning her gently and setting Kim down in his lap. “Have you heard  anything from the hospital this morning?” Kim asked turning to face her husband. “When I talked to Gary around nine Abby and the baby were both doing fine.” He spoke reassuringly. “I thought if you felt up to it we would go down there later.” He said smiling. Kim smiled back at him and threw her arms around his neck again. “I thought you might be interested” He said laughing” but you have to eat some breakfast. What do you want and don’t try to tell me you aren’t hungry that excuse is not going to work on me today?” He asked going to the cabinet and pulling it open.  Kim thought for a moment then replied “I think I could eat French Toast.” She said. “French Toast it is!” Nick said pulling the skillet from under the counter. Kim watched as he went about making breakfast theatrically. He cracked eggs and dramatically began to whip them together. When the toast we ready Nick brought it over to the table then went back to the counter to retrieve glass and pour both of them Orange juice. When he set Kim’s glass in front of him Kim caught the front of his shirt and pulled him down until they were face to face. When their lips met Nick felt a shock like electricity run from his lips all the way down to his toes.  As the kiss broke Nick lowered himself into the chair across from her. He sat down silently. When he finally found his voice all Nick managed to say was “Wow”. Kim felt giggles starting to bubble up. Leaning back in her chair Kim threw her head back in a deep belly laugh.

When breakfast was over the couple cleared the table and washed the dishes before deciding to visit Abby for a while. Kim started to feel weak as they walked through the front entrance of Central General and had to lean on Nick arm until they reached the waiting room. Nick helped Kim sit down then knelt down in front of her. Kim felt like the air was being sucked from her lungs. A cold sweat broke out on her face and neck from her struggle. “I’m going to get some help Kim! Just hang on until I get back. I will be back as soon as I can.” He promised over his shoulder as he ran to the front desk.  “My wife needs help! She can’t breath!” Nick panted. The receptionist looked at Nick startled for a moment before picking up a telephone from the desk. A doctor and two nurses came out of the double doors marked ER and Nick took them to Kim. They found her slumped in her chair. Nick noticed immediately her face we blue. Questions were directed at Nick but the only thing Nick heard were what the staff said about Kim. Soon they had Kim loaded on a gurney. As they rolled her away a nurse inserted a tube down her throat. Nick followed as closed as possible. When they took her through a set of double doors Nick tried to follow but was intercepted by a nurse who insisted he needed to fill out some forms about Kim. Reluctantly he took a seat in the waiting area and began to fill in the blanks on the forms. When he brought the clipboard and pen back to the desk Nick inquired on Kim’s condition but was only able to find out she was still being examined. He returned to his chair and worriedly waited.  After an hour a doctor wearing green scrubs approached Nick and took a seat next to him. “Your wife is stable. What happened does not seem to be connected to her heart. We will be keeping her for a while to monitor her breathing but she does seem to okay now. You can go back to see her in just a few minutes.” He said. Nick felt emotions welling up in his throat and only managed to reach up to shake the doctor’s hand before he left.

A nurse came to take Nick to Kim a few minutes later. He found her lying in a bed in the middle of the bustling emergency room. Her eyes were closed so he approached as quietly as possible. Her eyes didn’t open when he picked up her hand. Watching her face Nick began to tenderly kiss her fingers. “You’re going to be fine.” Nick whispered reassuringly.

Kim stirred a few minutes later. Nick watched intently as she opened her eyes then struggled to remember what had happened. Nick brushed the hair from his wife’s face. She turned her head at this touch. Recognition sparked in her eyes and Kim tried to speak but was hindered but the trachea tube in her throat. Frustration flashed across her face and Nick found himself having to act quickly to prevent Kim from removing the precious air supply. Nurses rushed into the cubicle and began to assist Nick in restraining Kim. Soon they had the situation under control. As the nurses began to dissipate Nick approached the bed again. Kim was staring up at the ceiling. When he picked up her hand Kim jerked it from his grasp. Nick cringed when he heard it crack solidly against the rail on the opposite side of the bed. When she tried to move away from him Nick decided it might be best to give Kim some time alone.  As he backed away Nick felt his mind reeling over Kim’s reaction. Nick wondered around the hospital halls for an hour before discovering he was directly across from Abby’s room. Before Nick could trademark pink ice pitchers.  Taking one look Nick told him something had happened. Concern showed in his eyes as he approached Nick and put his hand on Nick’s shoulder. “What happened? Is everything okay? Did something happen to Kim?” Nick slid himself down the wall and put his head in his hands. Eventually he spilled out the whole story of the events of the day finishing with Kim shoving him away after she woke up. Nick listened solemnly sitting beside him in the deserted hospital corridor. “I don’t know why she reacted the way she did but I know you should go back up there and stay at her side. You don’t need to leave her alone right now. She is probably scared and feeling very uncertain. She might just need some time to clear her head.” He said firmly.

Nick nodded thoughtfully. He knew Gary was right but Nick wasn’t sure he could handle having Kim push him away twice in one night. After saying hello to Abby Nick started to make his way back to Kim. As much he hated it Nick knew he was being selfish to avoid Kim for the sake of his own feelings. Sooner than he would have liked Nick found himself stand in front of the emergency room doors. Taking a deep breath Nick tried to push aside his feeling and stepped through the double doors. Tentatively he made his way to the small cubicle where he had left Kim. With his heart pounding in his chest Nick stepped through the curtain surrounding the bed. Kim lay sound asleep on the bed. Nick was relieved to see some of the equipment which had filled the room had been removed and Kim was breathing on her own .He approached the bed and quietly sat down in the chair and watched Kim as she slept. Nick felt his eyelids getting heavy and forced himself to move around before he fell asleep. Nick watched Kim stir but could not make himself go to her. Instead Nick slipped quietly from the room and pushed open the door to the waiting room. He lowered himself into a chair and dropped his head into his hands and began to weep. Nick cared more about his own pride than he did for what was best for his wife. He started to wonder if they were really right for each other and if getting married had been the right decision.  Could he really take care of Kim “for better of for worse” as he had vowed? Maybe he should divorce her now so Kim could find someone who would take care of her. Nick knew this was not really what he wanted to do. He knew he was confused and hurt and should not be thinking about making a choice which could turn out to be the worse decision of his life. Nick realized he loved Kim and wanted to spend the rest of his life making her happy. Suddenly Nick found he did not want to be away from her for another minute. She might try to push him away again but he was prepared. Kim needed him weather she knew it or not! He marched through the double doors and down he hall. When he turned the corner Nick’s heart stopped. The room Kim had been in was empty. A nurse was preparing it for the next patient. Nick tapped her on the shoulder. “My wife was in this room about thirty minutes ago. Can  you tell me where she is now?” He asked timidly hoping Kim had only been moved to another room. Praying nothing had happened to her. “I know they moved her to a private room but I am not sure which one. You can ask at the desk they can tell you.” She said going back to her work.

When Nick left her alone Kim allowed herself to seethe for a few minutes. Every time she tried to do something it seemed there was always something interfering. Hot tears raced down her cheeks. Kim needed to cry right now and she knew if Nick had been there he would have tried to make her stop. There were times when a person just needed to release her feeling freely. As much as Kim loved Nick he could get very stifling at times. He didn’t cope well in stressful times. Kim had learned this when she had the heart transplant surgery. The first time he had seen her after the surgery he had been obviously shaken. When he had touched her cheek Kim had felt his hand trembling against her skin. Despite her own situation Kim had tried to remain calm to prevent him from getting more upset than he already was. Kim didn’t feel like putting on a smile to make him happy tonight. She had awoke undetected by the nurses and had formulated a plan to gain some time to herself. When Nick had come into the room Kim had pretended to be relieved to see him. Next she pretended to get aggravated over the ventilator tube and had freighted attempting to pull it out.  When the nurses had rushed in to help Kim had fought them just long enough to get Nick sent back to the waiting room. After he left Kim had ceased to struggle and allowed sleep to take her under again. She woke slowly and opened her eyes just a slit. Out of the corner of her eye Kim could see Nick sitting in the chair beside her bed. Forcing her muscles to relax Kim closed her eyes and did not open them again until she heard Nick leave the room a few minutes later. Alone again Kim allowed the tears to trace down her cheeks.

Kim was beginning to think her tears might never stop when a nurse pulled back the curtain and started moving things around in the room. “We are going to move you to a private room for the night. The doctor wants to watch you for the next few hours then you should be all set to go home in the morning.” She said as they started to roll the bed out of the cubicle. Her mind whirled as Kim stared up at the ceiling flashing before her eyes. She worried Nick would panic when he came back to the room and found her gone. Kim knew he would probably think something bad had happened to her. She hoped he would be level headed enough to find out at the desk what had happened to her. Once she was alone in the room Kim was unable to resist the sleep sucking her under. Kim was vaguely aware of nurses coming and going in the room but could not muster the energy to even open her eyes. When Nick entered the room sheepishly Kim tried in vain to shake off the sleep holding her down. Frustration rose in her chest as she tried to wake up and found herself held tightly in its grip.

Kim opened her eyes and stared at the stark white ceiling. Nick approached the bed tentatively and put both of his hands on the rail. Leaning over her he gazed into her eyes. He was quiet for a moment before asking “How are you feeling?” Kim took a quick inventory before she answered “I’m feeling okay, a little tired and my throat is sore from the vent tube but all in all I think I am okay. At least I can breath normally again.” Relief flooded into Nick expression when he realized Kim was back to her normal personality. He wanted to sweep her into his arms and hug her tightly but he resisted the impulse and reached out to take her hand. “I’m glad to see you are feeling more like your old self again,” He said “It really scared me when you couldn’t breath. I didn’t know what was going on. The doctor said what happened was a fluke and you should be fine. Since you didn’t have anymore problems he should let you go home as soon as he makes his rounds this morning.” Nick explained quickly.

“I want to apologize for pushing you away last night.” Kim started to say when a knock sounded on the door. Gary poked his head into the room. “Feel like visitors?” He ask grinning. “Of course.” Kim responded. “Come on in Gary.” Kim said smiling back. The door shut and then Gary backed into the room pulling Abby in a wheelchair. Nestled in her arms was the new baby. Gary positioned Abby so they were sitting in a semi circle around  Kim’s bed. They talked animatedly for a while before Kim was finally able to ask the question burning in her mind. “What does have you decided to name this new little one?” She asked looking up from the crystal blue eyes which seemed like they could pierce your soul. “We are calling her Allison or Allie for short.” Gary responded beaming. “Allison was my grandmother’s name.” Abby informed them, “The first time we heard it we knew this was what we wanted to call her.” She said. “I think Allison is a beautiful name.” Kim said turning her gaze back to the baby in her lap. Nick sat on the bed beside his wife staring amazed at the baby. “Do you want to hold her?” Kim asked lifting the baby in his direction. “She’s so tiny I would be afraid I would break her into a million pieces.” He said standing and backing away slightly. “I thought so too at first.” Gary said coming to the bed and taking Allie into his arms. “When Grace was born I was very frightened to do anything with her. Abby was always very confident when she took care of her but it took me a while to get used to her being so small and helpless. Babies are a lot more sturdy than they look.” He said chuckling. Nick sat down and took Allie into his arms gingerly. She stared up at him calmly and then wiggled her shoulders a little before snuggling in close to him and going to sleep. At that moment Nick knew no matter what happened he wanted children of his own. It did not matter if Kim couldn’t have children. Nick would be more than willing to take a child someone else did not want.