Intimate Talk

By Henry Stevens

July 25, 2003

John Gray, a syndicated columnist, wrote a column lead that caught my eye:  “Intimate talk can lead to lifetime of romance.” The reader who wrote related that his wife had requested 10 minutes of intimate conversation a day. But he was unsure of his ability to participate successfully.

What grabbed me was John Gray’s answer. He explained that there would be dozens of conversations available to use. For instance, the reader could ask his wife about her favorite color, any irrational fear, favorite book or movie, or where she would like travel if she had a chance. In turn, the reader could share about his answers to these questions.

It was so obvious. I was surprised to be brought up short by the idea intimate talk could help me. How could I not have identified this idea for 70 years?

I tried it. I asked my wife about a situation that had been simmering in a very calm and open manner. I succeeded in just having her tell me what was going through her mind while I kept quiet. We didn’t try to solve the matter; I just listened to what she had to say and then we continued on with our daily routine.

The subject came up again in a few hours and again in a couple of days. We moved forward on the difficult matter with a positive solution.

Although the word romance was used in the headline and romance would be reason enough, the idea of intimate talk has value for any close relationship in the sense of connection, relationship and sharing.

A few days, later after catching on to this whole idea, I was at the Super Wal-Mart hair dressers to get my hair cut. It was shortly after they had opened, and I noticed that six women had signed in ahead of me. They had all specified Shana to cut their hair. An other young lady standing on the other side of the counter as I signed in said, “Ready?”

It turns out this was the same lady who cut my hair last time, so I reviewed what I wanted for a haircut and she proceeded. Only two ladies were working, and the customer in the other chair, a middle aged woman, was carrying on in a low pitched but loud voice with Shana about her relationships with her children, which were unsettled, why she had moved to Charlotte County, and other similar personal information in a one sided conversation.

Was it a hairdressing or therapy?  I wondered if all the others who had signed up for Shana were going unload themselves while getting their hair done. My haircut is a simple affair, and I was out of the chair and out into the main store before the lady in the other chair was finished. I never found out.

In high school, I had one best friend. Bob Gray and I fished together, hunted together, built model airplanes together, and both played trumpets in the school band. Bob had an older sister, and two much younger sisters, so he was an only boy. I had a brother one year younger, but our interests were entirely different, so Bob and I spent a lot of time together.

Bob’s father owned a small sawmill. It was often that we two would go here and there with his father to pick up a load of logs or deliver lumber. Often the three of us would go fishing or hunting together. My father had no interest in hunting or fishing.

Often Bob and I knew each other’s thoughts. We talked easily about all kinds of subjects. When we graduated from high school, we went our different ways. For 48 years I never saw him until I visited him at his older sister’s home. Incidentally, over the years his father and I corresponded and visited back and forth continually.

On the other hand, I never really knew what my brother was thinking. I can’t remember that we ever had an intimate conversation in our whole lives. My father and I never really did either. We could talk about business in detail, and my father taught me much about business and money which I’ve put to practical use. But opening up in the sense of sharing never happened.

My sister came into our family when I was twelve years old. I essentially left home when I was sixteen and had a summer job away, though I lived at home during my high school junior year. I did the same the following year, so I never really knew my sister. My sister always sends me a greeting card on any available occasion, but I do not believe she ever wrote a complete sentence on any of the cards.

My brother-in-law works for Chrysler Corporation, and three years ago they gave each employee a computer for home use. My sister has always worked as a  city or county 911 and fire dispatcher. She touch-types all day long. Now I get very long email letters with no paragraphs but complete sentences. And in the process I’ve learned what my sister is thinking. We are now able to have intimate e-mails messages.

In the few days I’ve been working with this idea of intimacy, I have come to realize that I am old enough to open up to other people. If I stop being narrow in my willingness to be intimate with other people no doubt they will open up to me. If they don’t, I can stand the rejection. But if they do, then I will expand my circle of friends and create more enjoyment for all of us.

John Gray wrote, “Intimacy involves more than the five senses. It also depends on a creative mind and an open heart.” Thanks, John.

End…………………1032 words…

These are my original idea notes for the paragraphs after the introduction.

Chat rooms.

Prayer

CLF-L

Best Friends

Siblings

School Mates

Co Workers

How people drift together, how they drift apart.

Being willing to be intimate

Being unwilling to be intimate

The need for honest talk

Therapy talk

The need for trust

Talk with yourself