Chapter 9

“I know it’s going to be a longer drive but I really feel Saint Jude is going to be the best place to take Grace.” Abby said.

Gary had watched her pouring over websites, comparing the best cancer centers in the US.

Going to his wife, Gary began massaging the tension from her shoulder. He could feel the strain in her back and shoulder. Gary long to take the stress from his family, to have the weight on his own shoulders but he realized even if he could Abby would never give it all over to him. While Grace was his flesh and blood she had still grown inside of Abby and had come from his wife’s womb. They shared a connection Gary could not fathom. He loved his daughter with all of his heart but Abby’s love her Grace was even deeper.

As Gary leaned down to kiss Abby on her neck he heard Grace approaching, her tiny feet making hallow thuds on the hardwood floors.  Gary saw her from the corner of his eye as she rounded the corner and darted into the kitchen.

She charged toward Gary and wrapped herself around his legs. Giggling, she clung to him as he pretended to attempt to pry her from his legs. The game moved to the living room, where Gary succeeded in removing the little girl from his legs. Swinging her in his arms he brought her to his chest and held her snugly. Together they collapsed on the couch and lay still for several moments, exhausted an trying to catch their breath.

Finally, Grace raised herself up off of his chest. Propping on her elbows, they were almost nose to nose.

“I love you, Daddy.” She said.

“I love you too, Grace.” He replied.

As Kim went about her day she had to resist the urge to pick up the phone and call Abby. From previous experience she knew it as best to let Abby make the first move. Her mind remained on Grace and she wondered if they had decided which hospital they were going to take her to for treatment. There were so many factors to consider, Kim knew it was not going to be an easy decision.

Knowing Abby she would do plenty of research before she made up her mind. She had to see all the facts laid out on the table and know all the variables. It was the way she had been for as long as Kim had known her. She didn’t rush into anything. Abby didn’t take well to being pushed either. Anyone who tried it always ended up being very sorry.

Kim was fortunate enough to not have been on the receiving end of Abby wrath but had been a witness to it. Seeing it was enough to make her never want to make Abby as mad as her as she had seen her to other people. 

As bad as she wanted to call, Kim knew it was better to wait.

When the phone rang later in the afternoon, Kim almost pounced on it. Relief flooded her when she heard Abby’s voice on the other end of the line.

“We’ve decided to take Grace to Saint Jude, in Memphis.” She said. “It’s going to be harder as far as distance goes but I do think it is the best thing for her. They really are the best hospital in the country for childhood cancer.”

“I think that is the best thing you can do. I will do everything I can to help. All you have to do it let me know what you need.” She promised.

“I think I will keep Ella coming to watch Allie during the day but I’m still going to have to find someone to watch her at night.” Abby said more to herself than Gary.

“Why don’t you see if Kim can watch her?” Gary recommended.

“I guess she could meet Ella here every morning on her way to work then pick Allie up on her way home.” Abby considered. “She’s already overloaded though so I would hate to add to the stress.”

“I’m sure she would love to help. It would probably help her to know she was doing something for someone else.” He tried to reassure his wife.

“I guess you’re right. I’ll call her tonight and make the arrangements.” She said. Standing she went around the table and leaned down to give her husband a kiss.

“I don’t know what I would do without you in my life.” She said.

“Abby, you are stronger than you think. You would survive this and every other challenge that came your way. I have all the confidence in the world in you and your survival skills.” He said taking Abby into his arms.

As Abby lowered her head on to Gary’s shoulder a sense of security flooded her. She felt as though in her husbands embrace nothing could harm her. The years of surviving on her own and looking over her shoulder had long since been wiped from her memory.

Before she met Gary, Abby thought she would never find someone who could love and protect her. Because of her past and the effect it had on her she thought she was destined to spend the rest of her life alone.

Gary had come into her life at a time when she was vulnerable. He had fallen for her immediately but never tried to take advantage of her.

Eventually, Abby had fallen for him too.

Everyday Abby thanked God for bringing Gary into her life. She could ask for a better person to spend the rest of her days with.

He was the best father Abby had ever seen and a loving, protective husband.

As Abby went about her day she meditated on her blessing and tried to keep her mind off of the coming days. Whenever she thought of what lay ahead, Abby felt her stomach tie into a knot. She couldn’t bear to think of the ordeal had ahead of her.

After settling Grace into her bed and putting Allie down for the night, Abby settled herself on the couch and dialed Kim’s number with a trembling finger.

Knowing Kim was already under a strain, Abby chided herself silently for asking her friend for this favor. Throughout the evening she had considered other options but none were viable.

When Nick picked up the phone, Abby was pulled from her thoughts. His voice sounded tired and strained. She faltered slightly when she heard him speak.

“Nick, how are you doing?” She finally inquired.

“I’m not doing so well today. They physical therapy this afternoon really got to me. I’m still trying to recoup.” He replied.

“I’m sorry to hear it. Maybe things will start to improve for you soon.” Abby replied.

“May I speak to Kim?” she asked finally.

As Nick went to find Kim Abby considered backing out of asking her best friend to watch Allie. She could tell how much of a toll Nick’s injury was taking on both of them.

Kim picked up the phone and Abby had to take a moment to collect her thoughts.

“I hate to do this to you right now Kim but I have to ask a favor. We need someone to watch Allie while we take Grace for her treatments. Gary is going to go with me for the first couple of weeks to help gets us settled in but he can’t stay the whole six weeks.” Abby said hesitantly.

“I’ll be happy to watch Grace but I have to go back to work next week. How are we going to work that out?” Kim said doubtfully.

Relief flooded Abby as she quickly explained her plan to retain her nanny during the time she was to be gone.

Once this was cleared up, Kim agreed and soon everything was laid out.

When Abby hung up the phone her heart felt lighter than is had since the beginning of the ordeal. Kim was eager to help. It seemed to improve her mood to know she would be doing something useful.

Abby had not expected help Kim by enlisting her assistance.   

Grace screeched as Gary held her and tried to comfort her. Two nurses worked quickly to place the small child’s vein. Two attempts had failed after Grace jerked her arm and dislodged the needle.

When Abby had taken all she could Gary had stepped in and assisted the nurses in restraining his daughter. Grace screamed for her mother, who stood at a distance, her arms wrapped around her own body. Refusing to leave the room, Abby willed herself not to cry. Grace didn’t see her mother break down. She marveled at Gary staying strong and wondered if he was as broken up on the inside as she was. Abby decided he had to be. He loved Grace as much as she did and knew it hurt him just as much to see her hurting and scared. 

When the IV was successfully placed, everyone involved breathed a sigh of relief. The weary parents were left to console the uneasy child. 

It took close to fifteen minutes before Grace was calm. When she was snuggled into the hospital bed beneath stark white sheet Abby and Gary breathed a sigh of relief.

Always the protective mother found it hard to tear herself away from the bedside even as far as to the chair next to the bed.

“Abby, please come sit down.” Gary pleaded. “You need your rest as much as Grace does.”

“I just don’t want to leave her. She might wake up and think she is all alone.” Abby replied stroking her daughter’s brow.

“She’s going to sleep for a while. I don’t think you have to worry about her waking too soon. Abby, come sit down. I insist. If you don’t you’re going to make yourself sick from exhaustion.” Gary said, pulling his wife toward the couch.

Abby sank on to the couch beside Gary but kept a watchful eye on the sleeping child.

“What if the treatments don’t work? What are we going to do, I can’t imagine what I would do without her. I don’t want to.” Abby whispered.

“Let’s not think like that yet. Give it some time and see how this goes. We won’t know until after this first round. You can’t give up hope Abby. Grace is going to depend on us for the strength to fight this. We have to be there for her. There is no backing out now.” Gary said determinedly.

“Things are so unknown, I can’t help wondering and worrying.” She replied.

“It’s human nature. You have to learn to turn it all over to God. He is in control. We just have to trust him, God will never do anything to hurt us.” He replied.

Later the same night Abby picked up the phone and dialed Kim’s number.

After a couple of rings Nick picked up. He sounded exhausted and Abby had to fight the urge to ask weather her infant was the cause of it.

Abby made polite small talk for a few minutes before asking for her friend.

As she waited for Kim to come on the line she tapped her fingers impatiently until she noticed Grace starting to stir in aggravation.

Reaching up, Abby rubbed her daughter’s back until she relaxed and fell into a deep sleep once again.

When Kim picked up the phone Abby’s redirected her attention. Turning from Grace she tried to focus on the conversation. As she talked she kept an eye on her daughter.

“How’s Allie doing? Does she seem to miss me?” Abby asked with concern.

“She doesn’t miss you at all. Allie is too busy having fun with her Aunt Kim.” Her friend joked in return. “How’s Grace feeling?” She asked turning serious.

“The treatments are starting to take a toll on her but so far she’s holding up pretty well.” Abby replied.

“It sounds to me like Grace isn’t the only one these treatments are taking a toll on. Have you slept at all since you arrived?” Kim asked concerned.

“I’m always afraid she’s going to wake up and think I left her alone so I’ve been napping in the chair next to her bed off and on. I just can’t make myself go too far from her. I’d feel as though I wasn’t going my job if I left her here and went back to the hotel to sleep. I’ll sleep when we get home.” Abby promised.

“Abby, you need your rest as much as she does. It’s not selfish of you to take care of yourself. Gary could handle it for a couple of hours while you slept. Why don’t you let him?” Kim replied.

“Now you’re starting to sound just like Gary. Please don’t irritate me like he does.” Abby exploded. “You just don’t understand. Since you aren’t a mother there is no way you can know what I am going through right now.”

Kim remained silent for several moments, too shocked to speak. The tension between was so strong it almost felt physical.

“I’m not trying to say I know what you are going through. Abby, I can’t imagine what you’re thinking and feeling. I just know if you don’t take are of yourself before you know it you’ll be the one in the hospital and I know you don’t want that. Grace needs you that’s why you should take care of yourself.” Kim insisted.

“I’m sorry I snapped like that. This is really starting to get to me. There isn’t much I can do for Grace and being out of control is about to drive me mad.” Abby said regretfully.

“It’s okay. I know you’re stressed and didn’t take it personally.” Kim replied.

“Thanks for being so understanding. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you. Even if I tried I could never fully express how much I appreciate everything you are doing for us. Knowing Allie is in good hands really does a lot to ease my mind.” Abby said honestly.

“I’m glad to be able to help. You have enough on your mind with Grace’s illness. Taking care of Allie is just a small gesture for me. I wish there was more I could do.” She replied.

“Believe me, you’re doing more than enough. You don’t have to worry about that.” Abby reassured her.

After inquiring about her infant daughter, Abby was forced to end the conversation when Grace began to stir. Regretfully she hung up the phone and turned her attention back to her current situation.

Attending to Grace took her mind off of the feelings of guilt over leaving her infant behind. Abby would not admit it but she felt as though she had chosen one child over the other. In her heart she knew it wasn’t true but found herself wondering if she was a good mother.

Would she have made the same sacrifice for Allie if the situation had been reversed?

The question plagued Abby as she watched Grace, who was sleeping again. 

Since she didn’t want to hear the lecture which would follow, Abby decided it was best to keep her feelings to herself.

As the days wore on, Grace sank deeper and deeper under the effects of the drugs. Abby hovered over her night and day. Tension mounted between husband and wife. Gary tried his best to convince Abby she needed to rest but soon gave up even asking, realizing she was not going to leave her child’s side. Resigning himself to do what he could Gary made sure Abby ate at least once a day and rested as much as often as he could tear her away from the bed.

Whenever Grace was asleep, Gary led his wife to the small couch parallel with the bed.

“We’re making substantial progress. Grace’s counts are looking better. It’s going to be a while before if the treatments are a complete success but it’s clear we are on the right track.”

Abby breathed a sigh of relief when she heard the news. Gary, who was sitting beside her with his daughter in his lap put his arm around his wife and pulled her close while hugging Grace with his free arm.

Back in Grace’s room, Abby could hardly wait to call Kim to deliver the good news.

“She’s getting better.” Abby said, as she tried to curb her enthusiasm. “The doctor is still being cautious but he did say he thought we were on the right track.”

“I’m so relieved to hear it. I’ve been really  concerned for her but you have me worried as well. I hope you will be able to relax a little more. I know hearing things are improving have to help put your mind at ease.” She said.

“It does help me to relax slightly but I won’t stop worrying until I hear she’s in remission.” Abby admitted.  

“It’s only natural for you to worry about Grace. She’s your child. If you didn’t worry about her you wouldn’t be a mother.” Kim tried to reassure her friend.

A few minutes later, the conversation was halted abruptly when Allie began wailing and Kim had to excuse herself to take care of the infant.

As Abby hung up the phone guilt overwhelmed her. She longed to be able to take Allie into her arms and soothe her cries away. Even though she knew it wasn’t true , Abby couldn’t help feeling she had abandoned Allie. She found herself feeling torn between rushing to care for Allie and staying with Grace.

Abby realized her separation from Allie was temporary but she longed to see the end come.

When Kim hung up the phone she was instantly caught up in caring for Allie’s needs. After she had the baby settled into her crib for the night Abby’s news returned to her mind. When she was sure the baby was asleep Kim went in search of Nick to share the news. She found him stretched out in the bed. As she climbed in next to him Nick stirred, opening his eyes slightly. When she was snuggled beside him he wrapped his arm around her gently.

 When the next report came in Abby felt as though she were floating on air.

“If things keep going as they are, we might be able to let Grace go home for a few days.” The doctor said brightly.

Abby clung to Gary as tears flowed down her cheeks. Grace looked at her puzzled but remained silent. When Abby realized Grace was watching her she sat up and wiped the tears hastily from her cheeks and tried to recompose herself.

Gratefully, Gary shook the doctors hand as he turned to leave.

When the door was shut again, Gary returned to his wife and daughter. As he took a seat beside Abby, Gary took Grace into his lap.

Silently, he prayed, thanking God for the work he was doing and everything he would do in the future.

As Kim laid Allie in her crib for a nap, her mind was once again drawn to the baby growing inside of her. In the weeks since she started caring for Allie her mind had remain occupied. A pang of guilt cut through her heart when she realized how little her own child had crossed her mind.

Kim drifted to the living room and sank on to the couch. Absently her hand began to stoke her belly. She felt the baby moving inside of her and realized this was the first time she had taken time to enjoy the sensation. Once again she felt the sting of guilt.

“I swore after the heart surgery to never take life for granted but it seems I have slipped right back into that rut again.” She whispers softly. “Am I ever going to get this right?” Kim asked herself, feeling the anger growing inside of her.

When Abby heard the news of Grace’s release she felt as though her heart was going to fly away. Even though it had been almost promised previously Abby refused to let herself hope it would actually happen. When she heard the words part of her believed she had to be dreaming. As she stood dazed the doctor repeated the words for her benefit.

Gary stood beside her, not believing what he was hearing as well but the news sunk in and a broad grin spread across his face. He wrapped his arm around Abby and squeezed her gently.

As the doctor departed, Abby turned and started packing things numbly, still unable to believe what was happening.

“I can’t believe we are actually getting to go home. Am I dreaming or is this some kind of cruel joke? I keep expecting someone to come and tell us there was a mistake and we aren’t really getting to leave.” She said finally.

“You aren’t dreaming and this isn’t a joke. It’s a miracle. We weren’t expecting to have a break in this point in the game but as we know God’s plan isn’t always the same as what we think. We need to thank God for this surprise and enjoy it while it lasts.” Gary replied. 

Within the hour, Abby found herself walking through the doors of the hospital heading home. The feeling that overwhelmed her could not be explained. Abby’s heart was singing praises to her heavenly father as they placed Grace in her car seat and prepared to make the trip home.

As they drove away from the hospital Abby didn’t even take a glance backward. Her only focus was the road ahead which would lead them home.

Before Kim even hung up the phone from her conversation with Abby she began gathering Allie’s things. She didn’t want her friend to have to wait when she arrived to pick up the infant. After spending those hours in the car Abby, Gary and Grace were going to be exhausted and  would be anxious to be at home.

As Kim stooped to pick up a toy from the floor she felt her head spinning. Carefully she sank to the carpet and waited for the dizziness to pass. When it had subsided substantially she tried to stand but found her legs too weak to hold her. The dizziness returned with a vengeance and Kim gave in and laid her head on the floor. She found herself losing consciousness. As hard as she fought it Kim continued to be sucked under.  Her last thought before the blackness took her under was a prayer for Allie to stay asleep.

Gary pounded on Kim’s door impatiently as Abby tried to peer through the living room window. After several failed attempts to get Kim to come to the door, Abby had started to grow alarmed. She went around to the garage and found Kim’s car parked inside with the motor cool, which told her Kim had not gone anywhere recently. An inspection of the windows found them to all be shut and locked tightly with the blinds and curtains pulled shut.

When she came back around the house Abby checked on Grace, whom they had left sleeping in the car. As she was about to retrieve her cell phone from her purse headlights shone in the driveway as Nick’s truck pulled into view.

Parking in the driveway, Nick shut off the motor and emerged from the cab anxiously. As he approached Gary and Abby concern was evident in his expression.

“Have either of you heard from Kim? I tried to call her as I was leaving the station but could never get her to pick up the phone.” He asked.

“We haven’t been able to get her to come to the door.” Gary replied.

Nick sorted through the keys in his hand as he approached the front door. His hand trembled as he put the key in the lock then slowly turned the handle. Once inside the house they spread out and began calling Kim’s name.

Instinctively t Abby followed the sounds of her baby wailing. She found the infant lying in the bassinet. Her cheeks were streaked with tears and eyes swollen from prolonged crying. She picked up the baby and resumed her search for Kim. As she was headed down the hallway she heard Nick’s distraught cry. Rushing toward his voice she found him knelt over Kim who was unconscious.

Abby stood clutching Allie as Gary and Nick examined Kim. She watched numbly as Gary pulled his cell phone from is belt and called for an ambulance. As she stared at the prone figure of her friend she realized calling for help was the least she could have done.

As Nick watched his wife being loaded into the gurney his mind whirled with all the thing which could be wrong. Fear for both his wife and unborn child griped Nick’s heart as he followed the his unconscious wife to the ambulance. Helplessness overwhelmed him as the rear doors closed. The siren wailing mirrored the way he felt as he watched it pull away from the curb. Gary guided him to their car and he climbed in numbly.

After dropping Abby and the children at their home Gary drove to the hospital. He watched his best friend from the corner of his eye. Through out the ride a heavy silence had hung over the car’s passenger.

As Abby went about getting her daughters settled in her mind remained on Kim. She realized any number of things could be wrong with either Kim or the child she carried. Abby prayed desperately it would not prove fatal. She knew losing the baby would be a blow Kim would not be able to withstand. She pleaded with her Heavenly Father her best friend would not have to endure this ordeal.

Time seemed to drag by as the two men waited anxiously. As the hours passed Nick began to lose hope the news would be favorable.

After what seemed an eternity, a doctor clad in surgical scubs entered the waiting room and made his way to the anxious men.

Nick took a deep breath and held it as the doctor approached. He felt the world beginning to spin around him and gripped the arms of his chair in an attempt to steady himself.

As the doctor began speaking, Nick felt Gary’s reassuring grip on his arm.

“Your wife is stable now. I wish I could say the same for the baby but I have to tell you it’s going to be extremely touch and go for the next twenty four hours. I can’t guarantee she is not going to go into labor and force an emergency delivery. Babies born at this point have a very slim chance of survival. I hate to sound negative but the odds really are stacked against this baby. I want to be totally honest with you.  If the baby is born, you need to have guarded optimisim, pending it even survives the birth.” He said solemnly.

“Please do everything you can to save my wife. I want the baby to have all the chances we can give him to make it but we can have more children or adopt if Kim can’t have more children. I don’t want to lose my wife though, She’s my world. I couldn’t make it without her.” Nick pleaded.

“We’re doing all we can to save both your wife and child. If the choice had to be made I assure you everything would be done to save your wife.” He promised.

Nick nodded, too over come with emotion to speak.

The doctor departed, promising to return when he had an update.

When he was gone, Gary stepped outside to call Abby and let her know what was going on.

She picked up the phone after only two rings. Gary could hear the strain in her voice after only a few words. Desperately he tried to find a way to tell her without making the situation sound hopeless. Finding none, Gary decided to give her the news honestly. Hearing her sobs on the other end of the line made him wish he had delivered the news face to face. Gary realized his wife would not have wanted him to leave Nick alone. As he turned off and clipped his phone back on to his belt Gary began to relax a little. 

As he made his way back to the waiting room, Gary prayed for his best friend as well as Kim. When he saw Nick standing in the hall, he felt himself go weak in the knees. The closer he came to his friend he saw his shoulders heaving, the silent sobs causing them to raise and fall.

Gary approached his friend quietly and set his hand on Nick’s shoulder.

Nick turned his tear filled eyes to Gary and tried to speak but found he could not for the lump in his throat.

“What happened?” Gary asked, willing himself to wait for the response.

“She went into labor, her water broke. They couldn’t stop it, had to take her to surgery to deliver the baby.” He said after a moment.

“How long ago was she taken to surgery?” Gary asked stunned.

“Not even five minutes ago.” Nick replied dismally.

“Let’s go back to the waiting room.” Gary encouraged. “I’m sure they’ll send someone out to give us a report as soon as they can.”

The two men took seats with the other anxious friends and family. The silence between them hung heavy. Neither of them spoke. Gary watched Nick from the corner of his eye. He sat with he head bowed. His eyes were open but Gary realized his friend’s thoughts were far away. He wondered what could be going though his mind but did not ask for fear of intruding.

After an hour a nurse approached. She took a seat across from them.

“Your wife is out of surgery. Everything went fine. The baby is a fighter. He’s holding his own right now but that could change with a moment’s notice. He survived the surgery though and that is a good sign. We’ll have your wife in a room soon and you can go in a see her. The baby is in the nursery now and as soon as they get him settled someone will bring you to see him." She said.