Dear Louie,

Audrey Jackson writing. Naomi Cohen brought Susie by to see me on their way to go apartment hunting. They will be renting a small place for the duration of their stay here. It’s a comfort to me that they do seem committed for the long haul. I have a very long road ahead of me. I started physical therapy this morning. That really look a toll on me. When I came back to my room all I did was sleep for the next 5 hours. I still feel wiped out but at least I can keep my eyes open now. I could not bear to sleep through Susie’s visit. Right now, she is curled up in the bed beside me, watching cartoons while I write this letter. My ribs are still very sensitive, but I would not think of saying no when my daughter wanted to get in the bed with me. It seems to comfort her to be touching me. Naomi says she is not sleeping well lately.

Louie, it hurts me so much to think about what my own stupidity did to my children. It is because of me they are going through what they are. If I had gotten out sooner, or been more careful about having Jack catch me leaving we would have all been safe and happy now, starting a life in California. Instead, my family is split into a million places and my children’s hearts are broken. I can see the horror of what my children have been going through mirrored in Susie’s dark eyes. I feel like a very bad mother. I don’t deserve my children. I keep thinking how they would be better off if I would give them up and let a family who will love and appreciate them adopt them.

I wish I could tell you about the night I was attacked, but the truth is I don’t remember. When I woke up in the hospital the first time I was very confused. I didn’t know why I was there. After I had been awake for a while I could vaguely remember the attack but most of the details are still sketchy for me. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it is good because I can’t be haunted by memories of things I cannot remember. I wish I could say the same for my children, but I know they will carry the scars of my stupid mistakes with them for the rest of their precious lives.

Well, Susie is getting restless, so I better go. I will try to write again soon.

Audrey Jackson