“Wah, wah, wah, got to get that just right little cousin if you really want it to work you have to sob and gasp a little in between, and for max effect wrap your arms and lay your head against Nana or Poppa…works every time.” Baby JLee spoke to Baby Lily in the words only babies could understand, a code that would only work until they were three, four tops.
Baby JLee was eighteen months and her little cousin Baby Lily was twelve months and without any brothers or sisters Baby JLee took it on herself to teach Baby Lily the ropes of being a successful baby.
“Now for meals, and this almost always works for me you have to learn to get rid of the food you don’t want like those terrible strained peas and gross squashy stuff. Now there are two methods I use and I will tell you them.
Baby Lily looked up at her older cousin and in a gurgling little laugh said “ hjgtidirstg;ug;” which of course Baby JLee automatically knew she said “Right on Cuz give me the words”
“Ok kid listen up” Baby JLee took a slug from the half filled baba that Baby Lily had dropped to reply to her.
“First plan is grab as much of the mushy stuff in your hands as you can and while pretending to like it and goo and gaa a lot smear it over your face, hair, clothes etc and wear a dumb grin on your face as you do it.”
Baby Lily pondered that for a minute as she now sucked the last dregs of her milk out of the baba “Yes, yes I can do that, what is the next one?”
Baby JLee bopped Baby Lily with the rubber hammer sitting beside them to make sure she had her attention, fortunately the big people didn’t notice or she’d have to sit in that stupid time out chair.
“Ok, Cuz here it is and this one takes considerable practise to get to the point that you can do it right. It’s called the ‘dump and ditch and hide method’ and one I perfected myself. You must pretend that you really like the crap stuff they are feeding you and want to share it this usually gets rid of a bunch of it, second use your spoon to look like you are trying to eat it on your own, you can dump almost every second spoonful on floor and look sad and go ‘oh oh’ and they’ll just think how cute. Finally when you have eaten the stuff you like, dumped the stuff you didn’t you pretend to push your plate away and accidentally on purpose dump the rest on the floor.”
“Think ya got all that Lil?”
“Yea, yea I thinks so Baby JLee, stuff the adults, tip the spoon, dump the rest. Hfdsfhdfgihfygflh;’( Baby talk for yaba daba do)”
“So now tell me Baby JLee, what about this whole bedtime thing?” Baby Lily asked finding a piece of a cookie she’d dropped earlier in the week below the couch and mushing it into her mouth.
“Well kid it’s like this, you gotta find away to get out of that mini prison they keep ya in at night. Dfd;fhh;akghu979w408 (Baby talk for gotta look cute too doing it too)” Baby JLee replied sneaking another slug from Baby Lily’s baba while she was distracted by mouldy cookie.
“See once the big peoples know you can get out at the mommies and daddies house you get your on bed and at Nanas and poppas you sleep in theirs either way no more bars you got the run of the place then Cuz and only have to sleep when ya drop.” Baby JLee casually slid the empty baba back to where Baby Lily had laid it.
“Now they may try to keep ya in bed between them, that’s when you play the old ‘I gotta pee’trick.” Baby JLee gurgled a bit…. “Ya see no body wants to change diapees in the middle of the night so it’s easy to get them to take you to the loo and then you’re up again.”
“Yea yea got that Baby JLee, climb the bars, learn to pee, cry for baba, piece of cake huh JLee?” said Baby Lily.
“Anyway the big thing ya gots to remember kid is a hug and a kiss works on Nana and Poppa every time and now that your bottle’s empty I’m off for a nap.””We’ll continue your lessons when you get another refill Baby Lily.”
With that Baby JLee got to her feet and stood and tottering for a moment while rubbing eyes then walked up to her Nana and taking her finger in her hand led her to the fridge “Baba, nana baba?”
The End
