The Princess of Chaos Strikes Back, or is it Again?
My apartment was da*n hot. It had been all weekend, and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. I arrived home Monday evening, with firm plans to resolve the issue with my A/C. In addition, I planned to put my last two
pieces of furniture together.
I had relied on others so far. No more. I was determined to be independent in this regard. I wanted to be able to shout, asAunt Becky did when she single handedly put her Baker's rack together --- "I am the woman of my manor, I am the master of my domain!" Or, I at least wanted to
say, "Holy Shit, I put my own furniture together!"
By nature, I am a planner, and like organization in most things. Like all of the matriarchal members in my family, I make lists of lists. I do not know why, but I do not see the same results. I spread out the pieces and directions for the furniture. I dug out the instructions for the A/C
thermostat. Because it was so warm, I moved the fan -- a new one I had to
purchase on Sunday because the one I had decided that it had served it's
purpose. I shed my shoes, lit candles, put in a CD (No, it was not Dave Matthews Band, but it was a NEW one), sat down with my cup of coffee and began reading.
All of a sudden, an incredibly SHRILL noise filled my apartment. I whipped my head up and round.........there was a FIRE on my coffee table!!!!!
Yes, a fire. Remember those directions I had so carefully spread out? The candle I lit? The fan I moved? Put them all together and you have in the famous words of Beavis and Butthead - 'FIRE, FIRE!!' But, no worries, I had 2 pieces of that same furniture, so I had a spare set of directions. And, wonder of wonders, the furniture assembly only had one mishap. I connected the 'backing' where the
door should have been.
Ancestral cavefolk would have been proud of my creative home-made tools. With the scissors-made-pliers (which surprisingly only resulted in two minor cuts)and the use of my flat-head screw driver (you're wondering, I know, given my handy-man ignorance, if that's really what tool it was), I removed all 12 nails and switched 'em.
And, this will be hard to believe, but with the exception of my pride (and the
directions), nothing was hurt by the fire.
Homer's Ill Iliad & Odd Sea Odyssey (420 pages) is an adult satire/parody rewrite of the classic stories of the 10 year Trojan War and of the 10 year adventure of Odysseus trying to return home to his native Ithaca.
