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Dear Louisiana: Ellen Jones Writes A Letter Of Apology..(For Carole Mathys) by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado
Thursday, March 9, 2006
Rated "G" by the Author.
Ellen Jones, having her ears blistered by an angry woman in Tennessee, sheepishly writes her e-mail pal a letter of apology.
Thursday, March 9, 2006 (5:14 a.m.; can't sleep...)~
Dear Louisiana in Tennessee~
I can understand why you are angry with me, but I just really have no use for God right now. Maybe one day I will wise up and accept His Gift of His Son, Jesus, but it all sounds so confusing. HOW can a Man possibly die for all the wrongdoings for mankind in the world, and HOW can a man be nailed to a wooden cross? That would be too painful to even comprehend!
I am sorry if I made jibes at your God, and I am sorry if I upset you in any way. I do hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself; I have had a hard time trying to get my life back together since the fire. I guess I was using the fire as a crutch, as a ways of blaming God, and not letting myself get past this blanket of self pity and doubt...
I guess I got annoyed about the money that you sent because I am just not used to being on the other end of people's generosity. I guess I always believed in that old adage of "fending for onesef when things get bad". I and Wayne have never asked for help before, and we feel kinda' foolish in doing so. We have always been a proud people, and we have always taken care of ourselves. But we WILL try to put it to good use; just give us some slack, that is all we ask!
I didn't realize of the hell you went through on account of your children, but I still have problems comprehending on WHY you didn't adopt chilren who were considered healthy instead of children who were sick and/or dying, or kids with phsyical/mental handicaps. Are you CRAZY?? I don't think either Wayne or I could do something so heroic, something so Herculean, something so...BRAVE. A HEALTHY child is stress enough, in my eyes; I just canNOT imagine caring for a child who happens to be handicapped!
I AM glad that your kids are flourishing under your love and guidance, though---THEY are the lucky ones, and YOU should be commended for your bravery in taking in kids nobody else would usually want to parent! I am sorry you have chkldren who have such hardship in regards to their health! Your hopital bills must be ENORMOUS!!
I am also sorry for the deaths of your mother, your sister and her family, and also your three children. I wish there was something that could have been done to turn back the clock or make sure that this didn't happen to you, but as you said in your letter, things happen for a reason, and I guess that also means the fire.
Maybe the fire was God's way of telling me that I need Him in my life, but after years of not believing, it IS hard to comprehend, and it is hard to break old habits, you know what I mean??
I got myself a new book at Wal*Mart earlier in the day, one by the late Mattie J.T. Stepanek, that little boy who was a poet and had MD, and the former President, Jimmie Carter. I have always admireed the little fellow's poetry, but I really had no idea he died. Maybe that will make me think about life and how some people have it so much worse. So I lost a house. So I lost my stuff. So I lost my clothes.
Compared to what this little guy went through, what I went through with the fire is NOTHNG. At least Wayne and I are STILL alive!! WE don't have to worry about whether we are going to draw in our next breath without difficulty, and not being hooked up to a ventilator, or using a motorized wheelchair, or having so many health problems!
I personally don't know HOW that beautiful little boy (who reminds me of your Johnny, by the way; they look somewhat alike; almost like they could be BROTHERS!) could smile with all that had happened to him and his family! I have read some of his earlier books, and he was a marvolous little human being who didn't let disability stop him from doing what he wanted to do!
I guess people who are disabled make me uncomfortable. I guess I just don't want to be bothered by people who are disabled because in truth, they scare the living hell out of me, and I used my fear as a way to snap back at others because of our not being able to have kids. I guess I was scared in having a child with a disability; I wouldn't know how to react if that were to happen to me. I don't know if I could cope with having a kid born with something like muscular dystrophy or some other insidious horror of a disease or illness! I would be devastated, utterly traumatized!
I also guess that people with disabilities made me uncomfortable because I didn't like seeing their whweelchairs, their crutches or braces, or blind eyes and stopped ears, or hearing them make their weird sounds that didn't sound human. I still don't like it, but I have to learn to accept that even underneath all the "damaged goods", there IS a real person who only wants to be accepted in life and to be LOVED.
I can understand that; I guess I just have to get past my own fears and prejudices and try to look at handicapped people in a new light! I guess that is why I wanted to read your book (even though I found it mawkish; maybe I ought to re-read it and REALLY read it thoroughly, from cover to cover, and THINK of what you have esperienced both as a mother and a nurse/caretaker)!
Maybe I NEEDED you to blister my ears like you did. Maybe you got mad at me because I needed a good kick in the ass to realize that even though I had it bad in the fire, there are so many others who have it so much WORSE!! So on that note, let me say two things: THANK. YOU.
May you have a very good life, and may you be blessed in all that you do! (I SITLL can't bring myself to say GOD BLESS YOU because I still have trouble believing in someone that I can't SEE!)
~Sincerely, your (remorseful, embarrassed, ashamed) friend, Ellen Jones in Indiana. :( >tears<
P.S.: You CAN write to me. I will write back to you, I will just be more careful in what I say or think, is all!
Dearest Karen
You have done such a dynamic job of being into focus that which needs awareness raising! So creative, genuine, and heartfelt! May more and more recognize your writings to lift us out of blind separation! We are all one ... One human body! When a part of us is malfunctioning, ill, challenged, and out of the 'norm', then the entire human body is failing! We All need to zone in and focus on the Wellbeing of All of Us, accepting every part as it is ~ despite it all, with loving kindness and active care! What a healthy body we would become!
Thank you for your mission!
Love & friendship Suzie xox :-D
Your understanding of the trials and of the different paths that life can lead us down, lend a brillance to your letters and journals. Your compassionate writing touches on all of the emotions that touch peoples lives each day. Your gift is that you are able to convey this in a unique writing style that brings your characters to life for others to enjoy. I thank you for this most human letter of apology from Ellen, and for making her a character with all of the human frailities. I salute you!
love and peace, Carole
I followed young Mr. Mattie's life on talk shows before he died. What a brilliant young man he was. He spoke with such tenderness, concern, and intelligence. His mother was always by his side, and when he left this plane of earth, Oprah cried amongst the rest of us. She went to his funeral and read something for him. Mattie Stepanek will forever live in all of our hearts of those of us who were blessed to ever hear him speak and read from his published books at such a tender age. Thanks for the letter today, Karen Lynn.
I concur with the board completely below Karen
You ARE raising the level of awareness of disabled and handicapped people in a unique and revolutionary way, that expresses their humanity and plight in a secular and material world, where anything that is not perfect, is deemed as damaged goods !
I believe you have been blessed by God to write these invaluable letters of discernment, the same way that Jerry has been to rewrite the Beatitudes !
A poignant story about letting go of a narcissist in your life. Have you ever been attacked FULL force by a narcissist? It's the closest thing to being stabbed over and over in the back.
Suspenseful and close to home, Rain of Deception 2 will leave you in Tears. Much like Part 1, this will shocking sequel will keep you on the edge of your fingertips.
