Michael writes about the bad day his son had yesterday; he is physically, mentally, and spiritually overwhelmed. His baby boy is still hanging on by a thread.
Monday, April 17, 2006, Alaska Time~
Dear Journal~
I never was so scared like I was yesterday. I was so sure that I was going to lose my boy, but somehow he's managed to survive the crisis. He is hanging on--barely.
When Jenna and I first got to the hospital after the special Easter church services, little Mattaq sseemed to be doing okay, but about a half hour later, his color started turning bad, and the alarms started sounding, sending both Jenna and myself into a panic. Thank God the nureses were in the room with him when this happened!
Then his b/p plummeted. Again, the alarms sounded, the nurses responded. They gave him medication; a few minutes later (it seemed like hours), the medication elevated his blood pressure, and it rose to more acceptable levels. He's still so...tiny, but holding his own; there is a little warrior inside his body. He weighs close to nothing; he is barely bigger than a can of soda pop, and he is shockingly tiny. My hand could just about cover his body easily, and he looks so fragile. His skin isn't nearly as reddened as it was when he was first born, but it looks translucent: you can very easily see the inside of his body, and his limbs resemble broken branches. His head is no bigger than a lemon, and it breaks my heart to see him struggling for life.
Jenna is blaming herself for the fall. I don't know what I am going to do to convince my wife that it was not her fault; it was just an unfortunate incident, and people have accidents all the time. She is beside herself with worry; I am worried for her. What would happen to her if Mattaq should (God forbid!) die? What would she do then?
Thank God Mattaq didn't have any more crises after the two he had after we got there, but it has us on edge, and for now he has finally been stabilized. I talked to the nurses at ACH, and they reported that Mattaq, surprisingly enough, had a restful night and that he was stable: for the moment, things look good..
I wonder what will happen next to our son: will he have a brain bleed? Will his blood pressure skyrocket or plummet, sending his little body into shock? Will his little heart or lungs quit on him? Will he have to be revived by nurses and doctors? Will he be left blind? Deaf? Mute? Brain damaged? Will he have cerebral palsy or some other horrible type of debilitating condition? What will his future be like? Will he even have a future?
I see the images of our baby boy being worked over by the nurses and it makes me shudder. I don't think I can shake them from my head right now, and I have had very little sleep. I want to go to the hospital to be with Mattaq, yet I feel a need to be with Jenna, in case she needs me. She is lying in bed, and she looks so worried, even in her sleep. Poor baby; I wonder what is going on inside her head, and what is going to happen if Mattaq dies.
Mattaq is still very sick, and there is no telling what will happen next to our baby boy. That he has lived this long has showed us that God is still in the Miracle Making Business!
However, the road is still fraught with dangers. So much can happen to Mattaq, and only a Miracle will save him now.
Poor Michael. Stretched to the point of exhaustion, beset by worries, both for his son and his wife. I hope little Mattaq makes it...an excellent journal entry, poignantly penned.
A poignant story about letting go of a narcissist in your life. Have you ever been attacked FULL force by a narcissist? It's the closest thing to being stabbed over and over in the back.
