After the certainty of death and taxes, you can always count on insurance companies to drive you mad.
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For the past two months I have been playing phone tag with our auto insurance company. Whenever I call the local office they conveniently (for them, not me) redirect my call to an office three hours away. Then, that office asks me to fax information to an office that is two hours away from them.
A few days later, I call to follow up on the information I sent in and to enquire as to whether or not my policy has been updated.
“Thank you for calling Well Known Insurance Company. Please press ‘one’ to hear this message in English.” I press ‘one.’
“Thank you for calling Well Known Insurance Company. Please push ‘one’ for assistance.” I press ‘one.’
“Thank you for calling Well Known Insurance Company. All of our operators are busy; please stay on the line. A representative will be with you shortly.”
At this point I pull up a chair and settle in for a long wait. Corny background music plays while a woman with a carefully neutral and ‘soothing’ tone explains how important the customer is to Well Known Insurance Company and how they always place the customer first.
By now the little ones have discovered that I am stuck on the phone, so they proceed to get into everything.
“Thank you for calling Well Known Insurance Com--.”
“Hello?”
“We’ll be with you shortly.”
“GET DOWN FROM THE TOP OF THAT BOOKCASE!”
“This call may be monitored to assure quality assistance.”
“Leave the cat alone! Put your sister’s eye back in its socket!”
A live woman with a nasal-sounding and unenthusiastic monotone voice answers: “Hello, this is Jane. How can I direct your call?”
“I need to know whether or not my insurance policy has been updated.”
“Please hold for our next available representative.”
“I want a cookie, Momma.”
“Hello?" More soothing music plays.
“I want a cookie!”
“I WANT TO SPEAK TO A REAL LIVE PERSON ALREADY!”
“This call may be monitored to assure quality assistance.”
“Then, listen up! I am sick and tired of playing phone games with you people. I want to speak to a real--.”
Jane again: “Hello. How can I direct your call?”
“I need to know whether or not my insurance policy has been updated.”
“Please hold for our next available representative.”
“What!? What about YOU!? Hello? Hello?”
“This is George. I’m the departmental supervisor. May I please have your last name, zip code and can you spell hippopotamus?”
“H-I-P-P-O…I need to know if my policy has--.”
“How big is the boat?”
“What? It’s a van, a 12-seat--.”
“One moment.”
Just what does insurance REALLY ensure anyway? A headache, I tell you. So I call the doctor’s office to renew my prescription for painkillers.
Farctured Frazzled Folk Fables and Fairy Farces, Part II satirizes popular children's stories into adult-oriented renditions. FFFF &FF, Part II is also available in Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble e-book formats.
A naïve councilman and a down-on-her-luck single mom try to save their county’s last stand of forest from greedy developers and a dysfunctional government.
