A Composer’s Journal Entries: August 27- September 2, 2006

Sunday, August 27

Today JF took me to Xerox the original, unrevised score of the Piano Quintet. I looked at the trees and noticed some of them are already turning color. I have missed the summer, save for a few days in July.

It is now autumn.

Tuesday, August 29

I e-mailed the woman at Cornell today and cancelled the October concert. It might be the first time I have ever cancelled a concert. I also e-mailed Cary and cancelled our recording session of the String Quintet. Perhaps we can record in January or February.

I am still not strong enough to compose, to finish the revision of the Piano Quintet - and certainly not strong enough to play the piano part or conduct rehearsals. A sad little stretch. I also know that when I am well enough to compose again that it will go very easily and well ... So that helps me now, that knowing.

Saturday, September 2

Had a horrible night again last night, could barely breathe and was too exhausted and weak to call anyone. M. is still in N.Y.C. with Trudy. JF came over today and called the doctors. I am now again on steroids, this time for ten days & also on a powerful antibiotic that almost put me into shock combined with all the other medications I am on. I looked in the mirror & I have never seen a face that white - it looked like the wall ... I have never felt so close to death for such a long stretch of time. At this rate a Composer’s Journal is going to be more about not being able to write music than writing it. Although, internally the composing continues, & probably better than if I were well & writing them down on the page with their slender stems and small note heads ... I myself am curious to see what music will emerge from these past difficult months ... Either it will reflect what I have learned and suffered, or it will take me beyond the suffering to other realms more beautiful - or perhaps both. As the pain deepens, so does the Beauty, they always go hand in hand.