A Mystic’s Journal Entry: September 12, 2006

Tuesday, September 12

Started coughing up blood today, couldn’t breathe. Called the doctor: see my primary physician or go to the ER. M. came home from work and off we went. New medication to take, and a CAT scan scheduled for tomorrow. I’ll have to be injected with dye. They still don’t know what’s wrong with me, so they are treating me for everything.

This doctor asked me to take my temperature when I have the chills and sweating, because it could be the steroids and not the pneumonia. We stopped to buy a thermometer on the way home, M. left me in the car. M. had parked our little blue VW next to a big light-coloured van facing out into the parking lot. In the passenger side front seat was a woman several years older than I, and she was listlessly reading a Medicaid brochure. I assumed that her husband had also gone into the drugstore, to pick up medication for her, and she was patiently waiting for him. She looked wan, and I wondered what sort of medication she needed, and for some reason I gave her a small wave and a smile. My small wave got her attention, and she looked my way, so I waved again, just with my fingers. The woman looked a bit surprised, and I could see that she was wondering if I was smiling at her - but after a few seconds she decided I was, and she very slowly and beautifully smiled back. Her smile was truly special, and she returned my initial wave. I then closed my eyes, waiting for M., and occasionally looked over at my new acquaintance, who had gone back to reading her brochure.

Ten or fifteen minutes went by, and M. returned with our thermometer and we pulled out and turned to leave. I gave the woman a small wave and she looked up and smiled. And then she waved back. I waved more small little waves, and she returned them, and we gazed and smiled at each other and waved until I could no longer see her. I know there will not be words for this, but that experience and relationship is forever etched in my mind and heart. In a way, it felt as though were two very small, innocent children meeting on the street, full of love and good will - that connection small children have to life and other beings they meet each day and each moment. Except that we brought all our life experience and depth of understanding and feeling with us. The Love between us like a swath of Light ... So many opportunities lost, most of us are too hurried, too closed for such moments. But this is the way is meant to be, soul to soul and Heart to Heart.

M. dropped me at home and returned to work and meetings. I called Hal’s Deli to order some dinner, and the usual waitress answered. She asked me how I was doing today, and I gave her a quick update. The I added: "At least I can talk to you each day ...." And she very quickly answered, "Yeah. It’s been dead in here, no one’s here." I said that I spend my days and many nights alone, so I really enjoyed hearing her voice and she said, "Yeah, me too. Okay hon, we’ll get your order out within fifteen minutes. Get better." After I hung up I wondered: "What am I really learning through all this ...."

JF had dropped off a bag of potato chips while I was at the doctor’s office.

I think I am learning that all that truly matters here on earth - is Love. The Higher, unconditional Love. Divine Love.

I learned this in my car accident so many years ago - but that was only one experience. I have felt so close to death every moment of the past few months. And my world has grown more and more narrow, confined to the rooms of my home. Hanging between realms, our personal history on earth is virtually erased. We have no possessions, save our own Heart - and the Hearts of others ...