Mom versus Computer

My quest to become a humor writer has given me many frustrations.

1.   I am supposed to write something/anything everyday no matter how crappy.

2.  The typical stay at home mom has many things to accomplish in a day; if the sun is out then I need/want to go outside and work in the garden or walk my dogs or run the dreaded stairs in order to improve my ever expanding aflack. (Would definitely rather write than run the dreaded stairs)

3.   My nemesis, the computer, completely frustrates me to no end and this is where my tale begins..........

Approach computer with trepidation, yes it appears innocuous as there is food spillage on the keypads, making it a rather friendly looking piece of hardware.  Convince myself that yes I can work on “Word” without mishap even though my twelve year old daughter is not here to help me. Am tired of her looks of sympathy and then her looks of despair at the ineptitude of her parent.

Come up with an amusing story that has happened, happily type it all out and proceed to send it to my agent (harassed friend).  I push what I believe to be the appropriate key and then to my utter dismay all of my work disappears.  Quickly back pedal or what is known as backspace.  Nothing.  Look in the “Teenagers and Driving” file..........nothing. 
“Teenagers and Driving” isn’t even in its own file. What is wrong? Maybe I should take a computer class; perhaps I am wasting a lot of time trying to navigate my computer. I would hate to think that my husband and kids are right. Maybe I am inept at working my own piece of equipment. I can work lots of other things.......after all I tell my children and spouse. I did drive a pea- viner for a living for two weeks in Mount Vernon.  So what if it was twenty-five years ago, that is one mean piece of machinery. They have heard the pea- viner story before and commence with the chortles and guffaws. This is the usual response I get to, “I remember when” stories.   Decide to wait for my daughter to come home. She will help me; she at least likes me most of the time.

Pick up twelve year old computer savvy daughter at school. Attempt to bribe her with after school treat. She suspects something is up when I offer to clean her room. She asks how my day went and I admit that perhaps I had the smallest problem with my nemesis the computer. She rolls her eyes. I am used to this and take no offense.

Show twelve year old daughter the extent of my damage. She sighs loudly and suggests that perhaps her fifth grade teacher could give me a tutoring lesson in computers. Readily agree and ask if she can solve my problem now. She pushes all sorts of keys in rapid movements. Feebly ask if she can explain things to me but she is immersed in the problem. Decide to keep quiet. Finally she announces that indeed this time I have really messed things for good. I need a professional. Am aware I need professional help but still don’t like hearing it from my daughter.

Will pick up daughter tomorrow and hope that she has arranged my tutoring lesson for me with her fifth grade teacher.  Assume this will mean many school volunteer activities will suddenly be offered to me as payback; believe it will be worth it for a tutoring session. Am sure my esteem will rise with all family members when I conquer my nemesis.

I spoke too soon.............I was reviled and ridiculed at dinner tonight when I relayed my story about my difficulties with my cursed cell phone.  I really thought I could master the cell phone, how difficult is it to program a ring tone? At some point I am going to have to join E.B.A. or Electronic Boofus Anonymous or read one of the well know dummy books such as; Cell Phone Usage For Dummies.   Currently my cell phone barks like a dog when it rings. I guess this is okay but sooner or later I am going to start getting looks from my people at my local Starbucks.  My own dogs leave nervous droppings on the floor now whenever my cell phone barks. Perhaps I will assign this, my most recent e-failure to my oldest son.   Will use the tried and true phrase when he balks of’; “Because I am the mother”.  This always went over very well when my mother used it on me.  Besides it will give him great pleasure to lord his prowess of all goods technological over me, his foolish mother