Friday, January 19, 2007, 11:02 a.m.., E.S.T.~

Dear Lousisiana Sandusky in Tennessee~

My name is Ellen Michelle George. I live in Radnor, Pennsylvania, with my husband, Wessley, and our four sons Winston Tyler (7), Benton Chang (5), Gage Benedict (4), and our youngest, 2 1/2-year-old Garrett Zuang. My husband works at our local Ford plant, while I am a stay-at-home mom.

Two of our boys (Winston and Gage) are our own; the other two (Benton and Garrett) were adopted from China over a year ago, making our family complete; alas, but not without problems.

Louisiana, I know you don't know me, but you are the parent to children who have special needs. I came across your adoption community via the Internet; when I read your story, I felt compelled to write to you because I happen to be the parent to kids who have problems, serious problems, and I need some advice. I am at my wit's end: I often feel lonely; I sometimes wonder if I made the right decision in adopting Garrett and Benton from China. I don't know what to do at times; this is the main reason why I am writing.

Here is my story:

Benton and Garrett are both disabled. Garrett was recently diagnosed as having autism. For the past six months or so, he has gone from a walking, talking little boy to a child who now spends his days staring at some invisible speck that we don't even see or constantly opening/closing his hands. It is as though he's regressed back to babyhood: he eats baby food or "finger foods" like Cheerios, and he's now wearing diapers again.

We have taken Garrett from doctor to doctor, wondering what could be wrong; just recently, a kind doctor who works with children with special needs diagnosed our son as having autism. After weeks of frustration or disappointment, we finally felt relief to know what was going on, but at the same time, it was very upsetting to know that another one of our children was handicapped.

As for Benton, he has something called "sensory integration disorder" (SID), which is, as the doctor explained it, "a disorder where children have trouble filtering stimuli from their environment". As an example, Bennie is easily distracted by certain sounds (like the hum from an air conditioning unit), and he gets irritated whenever we attempt to give him hugs or kisses. As another example, Bennie will pull items from shelves or throw temper tantrums at random if he is in a noisy environment (such as a room full of people) or is around bright lights. It is very maddening (not to mention, frustrating).

Bennie and Garrett's problems have been very hard on Winston and Gage. Both Winston and Gage have resorted to "acting-out" behaviors, as a way to divert our attention. I am the one who has to deal with this on a daily basis because Wess is at work most of the week and works 12-15 hour  shifts.

Now you know what I have to deal with. I often cry tears of anger, and I sometimes want to physically harm Bennie or Garrett, or even kill them. Am I going crazy, or is this "normal behavior"  for a stressed-out mom? Please tell me what to do!!

As I write this now, I am crying, and I can't see for all the tears that are falling from my eyes. Just a little bit ago, I yelled at Bennie for pulling out pots and pans from the cupboard, and he screamed obscenities at me. Of course, his outburst scared Garrett, who burst out cyirng to the point of vomiting. (Another mess for me to clean up!)

I feel horrible. I am a bad mother; why did I ever get roped into parenthood??

If you don't want to write to me, I can fully understand. But as I said earlier, I need some advice on how to handle my "special-needs" sons (in particular, my youngest, Garrett, who was "normal" until recently).

Having one disabled child is hard enough; what did I ever do to deserve having another??

Most sincerely,

Ellen Michelle George (mother to four sons, two adopted, two biological).