Actually, it’s not the writing that is the problem. I love to write stuff, and I spend a part of everyday doing so. The problem lies in the challenge of trying to actually get someone to read it. All writers know that I’m talking about the dreaded activity called “trying to get a literary agent.”
See, you can’t get into all of the bookstores (which is a sterling place to have your books displayed) without a deal with a big time publisher. To keep it fun, publishers refuse to talk to writers. They only talk to agents. An agent’s job is to either ignore you, or turn you down. The responses that you get when you submit a book are generally, thoughtful, sensitive comments like, “We are too busy to read your stuff,” or a heartfelt, “thanks but no.”
Recently, I sought inspiration from the one place where all America reads. Here, I thought, I will find direction.
So, I spent the afternoon, making countless trips through the line at the grocery store. I watched, listened, and observed the comments from people who dutifully read the covers of magazines, and the front page of things that are similar to newspapers, only in the way that they are both printed on paper. Nobody seemed to read what was inside. They just read the front, and often they purchased it. Whether or not they read what is inside when they get home is unimportant, if they already bought it.
That’s why I am embarking on a new career, writing those zippy, one-liners, which we all seem to love.
Below is the list of samples that I will be sending to various organizations, as I apply for the position of “writer of things that are so ridiculous, you will want to know more, even when you know it isn’t true , or of any earthly importance.”
I might have to pare the job description down a tad.
For Cosmopolitan Magazine:
Anna Nicole, can she survive her own death?
Wax your way to an exhilarating orgasm.
How to use foreplay as a weapon to keep your man bewildered, yet compliant.
Hillary to George W: Stop calling me, all I wanted was a one-nighter!
Seven secrets for orgasm, and eight for castration.
His moan zones, and how to turn them into places of terror.
How to keep your thong hiked way up in the back, so everyone knows you’re wearing one.
The National Geographic Magazine
King Tut-Was he murdered by his own hat?
Aborigines- Are they the Amish of Australia?
Meet the Wompanoog Indians, at home at their new casino.
Panda Bears-Are they really sad, or is that face just an act?
Climbing Mt. Everest with a Brownie Troop.
Sagebrush- Will it roll down your street?
Gentleman’s Quarterly
The Donald Trump hair-cement formula.
Jake Gylenhaal admits: I have trouble spelling my own name.
Is your choice of shirt making you look fat, or is it your enormous belly?
GQ on Politics- Why Arlen Specter is a fashion flop.
Orlando Blooms- Brad is in the Pitts-Tom is Crusin’, (Why we always include silly crap like that on our cover.)
People Magazine
Jennifer’s Spanish Welcome- Hola Gringos!
Hollywood Couples That Last. The three couples that have had a 2nd Anniversary.
Beyonce’- Here’s another way to pronounce it.
Kelly and Cameron-Why we slept together and told you we didn’t. Eleven times.
Vince and Jen reveal everything about their sock drawers.
Justin Timberlake’s fascination with celebrity boobs.
The National Enquirer
Wisconsin researcher proves that cows find milking machines “sensuous.”
Rosie and Oprah agree to a Texas style ass-whuppin contest.
Brad to Angelina- Are you anorexic, or just small boned?
Desperate Housewife Star reveals- She once had sex, “only for love!”
Mandy Moore- Is she Dinty’s love child?
Oregon man claims-Bigfoot is gay!
