K V Mac, click
here to update your pages on AuthorsDen.
Mind by K V Mac
Friday, August 10, 2007
Rated "PG13" by the Author.
A compilation of events that have undoubtely happened to all of those who call themselves 'teachers'.
“Some people went through what you went through and lost their mind.” Vanessa walked over to her stereo and pushed the stop button. She had been listening to the voice of the famous preacher for hours. His sermons usually lifted her spirits, but tonight she could not seem to snap out of her lethargy. The mood had descended on her during the ride home from work, and she had not been able to shake it.
Vanessa stood, looking around her living room. She noted the contemporary style leather furniture, the dust free coffee table set and the alphabetized bookshelf. She breathed a sigh of relief; at least something in her life was in order. At least she had control over something.
The telephone rang, shattering the silence that surrounded her. “Hello.”
“Hey, Vanessa. What you doing?”
Vanessa smiled at the voice of her friend and coworker, Robin. “I was just sitting here listening to Bishop Larkin. What is going on? I thought you were going home to soak in the hot tub until tomorrow morning.”
Robin laughed, “Girl, you know I ain’t got no hot tub.”
“Yea, I know. But you seemed so serious; I thought you were going to go out and buy one tonight.”
“I wish. I ain’t got no hot tub money either.”
“Really, Robin, you should not let those kids drive you into such a state of insanity. Just let the junk roll off.”
“Like you do, right? Miss Cool, Calm and Collected. You got junk together, right? That is why you were running down the hall screaming at Ricky Becker today.”
Vanessa smiled as she listened to Robin’s laughter. The scene had been pretty funny. One of her students had left the room – slamming the door behind him. That had been his response to her reprimand concerning his behavior in the cafeteria. “Well, that was a special circumstance.”
“You got that right. I thought we were going to have to call out the city’s Special Forces to pull you off that child’s behind. I don’t think he will ever touch your door again; let alone slam it.
“Oh, he will touch it again; he has got to bring his narrow hip to fourth block tomorrow and everyday for the rest of the year. He will, however, handle my door knob with extra special care.”
“But, anyway, I didn’t call to talk about those wonderful eighth graders that we teach. I was wondering if you could rustle up a date to go out with me and Mario this weekend. There is a play coming to the Metro Theater that I really want to see. You know the one that has been advertised on television?”
“You mean, I Picked the Wrong Man Again? You want to go see that with a guy? What is wrong with you? That is not the type play that you take your man to – not if you still want him to be your man after the show. And what do you mean, rustle up a date? You act like I got to go searching for one in the newspaper or something. My little black book is still functional.”
“Well, I can’t tell,” mumbled Robin.
“What you say?” chuckled Vanessa
“Nothing. Just find a date for Friday night. Okay, Ms. Wesley. Look, I got lesson plans to finish. You know that they are due tomorrow. You finish yours?
“You know it, girlfriend. I finished those plans last week; I plan in two week cycles. Prompt and efficient. You should really try harder to be like me.”
“Blah. Blah. Blah. Yea, prompt, efficient and incredibly boring,” replied Robin.
“And what does that make my best friend,” asked Vanessa as she listened to the click of the phone. She sat on the couch, with her legs folded under her. She reached into drawer on the coffee table. She grabbed her black address book. Flipping through the pages, she considered her choices for Friday night and shuddered at the reality of an actual date. In the background, Bishop Larkin whispered, “You’re loosed, you’re loosed…” Vanessa didn’t even remember turning the stereo back on.
**********
Vanessa took a deep breath, as the bell sounded to signal the beginning of first block. Stepping out into the hall, she looked around for Robin. It was not like her to be late. Just as she was contemplating the possibility of spending a day next door to a substitute, Robin breezed through the double doors at the end of the hall. She looked flustered. Her bag was hanging off of her shoulder, and her hair was flying behind her. However, with eighth graders pouring down halls Vanessa knew that it would be hours before she would get a chance to listen to Robin’s newest litany of gossip. .
“Girl, you wouldn’t believe what happened to me this morning,” Robin whispered as she took her place beside her door, trying to smooth her wrap back into place.
“I probably wouldn’t,” replied Vanessa sarcastically as she ushered her students into the classroom. “Tell me later, though. I am absolutely sure I would love to hear it.”
“Good morning, guys. Pass your homework to the front of your row and get started with silent reading.” Vanessa took a slow sweep around her classroom to see who was absent. Everyone appeared to be present. Her eyes lingered a little longer on sad faced little girl sitting at the front of the row closest to the window. She sat with her chin propped up on her hands gazing out into the space just beyond the window. It pained Vanessa to reprimand her, but she knew she had to. “Amanda, please start your silent reading.”
The little girl jumped, “Yes, ma’am. I am sorry for daydreaming.”
“Don’t be sorry, just do better,” replied Vanessa softly. She looked away quickly to hide to tears that were welling up in her eyes. As she walked back to her desk, she heard Bishop Larkin’s words echo in the recesses of her mind, “Some people went through what you went through and lost their mind.”
***********
“Okay, now what fabulous story do you have to tell today?” asked Vanessa as she and Robin sat down in the lounge for lunch.
“You acting like you don’t believe my stories. I can just keep this one to myself. But you probably want to hear it; it is about that kid, what’s her name, Amanda that you have become so attached to.”
Vanessa felt the hair on the back of her neck standing up. Her sandwich trembled uncontrollably in her hand. “What about her, Robin? What’s up with her?”
“Alright, calm down. You act like she is your daughter or something.”
Vanessa ignored the Robin’s insensitive comment. “Just talk.”
“Well, Officer Bryant caught me on the way in this morning. He said that they have an order to remove her from the home today. Something about her stepdad and abusive or something. Bryant said that Amanda confided in a teacher that her stepdad was touching her and making her doing some pretty weird stuff. Of course, it was reported, and the state is involved now. Her mother is freaking out. But get this; that fool behind woman is standing by her man. Bryant just can’t wrap his mind around that. But I told him that that is usually what these silly women do. I know that I don’t have any children, but if I knew that anyone was hurting my child, there is absolutely no way that I would continue any type of relationship with them. And this fool woman is lying down with this man every night. I need to find her just so I can slap her silly self for Amanda. She just stupid!” Robin fanned herself frantically with her napkin. Vanessa could tell that she was getting upset. While surprised at Robin’s reaction, Vanessa was glad that she was feeling a little of what she had felt everyday since she had met Amanda. “So, that is why I was late this morning; I was in Officer Bryant’s office getting the scoop. I feel so sorry for that little girl. I wonder if she knows that she is not going home this afternoon. Wonder who she told? I would love to get the whole story. Somebody on this campus knows. This is like some Lifetime junk!”
Vanessa sat quietly, stuffing her chicken salad sandwich into her mouth. She was barely chewing, and her stomach was threatening to expel the sandwich all over the table. Robin stopped talking long enough to recognize her silence. She studied her friend’s profile intently. It was apparent that Vanessa was avoiding her eyes. “She told you didn’t she? And you told the folks downtown? So, you know that the whole story? Talk, girlfriend, talk.”
“I promised her that I wouldn’t say anything, and I have already had to break that promise once. I can’t tell you anything but that she is in a bad situation. Everything that Officer Bryant told you is true . Her step dad is doing some crazy stuff to her. He is a real sicko. Did Bryant say where she was going to be until they find someone to take custody of her?”
“Nope. I would think that she would have to go live at the state home for girls,” Robin paused, standing putting her hands on her thin hips, “Wait a minute. Hold it! Hold it! Why do you have that look in your eyes? You aren’t thinking of taking this girl in, are you?”
Vanessa sighed, “The thought has crossed my mind. But I don’t think it will be a good idea. Besides, if I had a kid, I couldn’t go out with my hot date and you and Mario Friday night.” Vanessa winked at her friend. Robin held up her hand for a high five. The two women left the lounge laughing about what a good time they would have Friday night.
************
Vanessa escaped quickly down the hall, leaving Robin yapping with one of the other teachers. She had to find Officer Bryant. He would be able to tell her what was going on. After all, he was the one who had waited at the school for three hours with her and Amanda the afternoon that she had reported the abuse. By the time her mother finally showed up, Officer Bryant had made the decision to move Amanda to the police station and was considering filing abandonment charges against her mother. Amanda’s mother had waltzed in just before the hammer had fallen. Vanessa did not think she would ever forget the fear in that child’s eyes as her mother led her out of the police station.
“Hey, Bryant!” yelled Vanessa as she spotted him turning the corner in front of the office.
He turned around, “Yea, what’s up?” He tried to avoid her eyes. He knew exactly why she was calling him. He had been preparing himself all morning for this confrontation. He knew that she was going to be upset when she heard that the Department of Social Services had decided to move Amanda into the Girls’ Home. He had really tried to have her placed with a family, but the younger children always got first dibs on the family placements. Besides, people were always frightened by the prospect of a troubled thirteen-year-old.
“Where is Amanda going to spend the night?”
“At the Girls’ Home.”
“Man, Bryant. They couldn’t do any better than that!”
He stepped back, surprised by her outburst. “Jesus Christ, Ms. Wesley. I tried. But she is older than a lot of the kids we have to place, and people don’t snatch up thirteen-year-olds like they do three-year-olds. Sorry.”
Vanessa let out a sigh, “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I just want the best for her. What about the stepdad? Any charges being filed?”
“Yep. We picked him up this morning. He will at least spend tonight in jail, but the rest depends on Amanda’s willingness to testify against him. The ball is truly in her court. I seriously doubt that she will do it. She is so timid. I imagine that she will just be removed from the home temporarily and then go live with her grandmother. I have seen it happen over and over again. It is sad, because if this guy is really hurting her he is just going to find someone else to hurt.”
“Yea. It is sad. Really, Officer Bryant, sad ain’t even the word.” whispered Vanessa as she hurried back to her classroom; the kids were already storming the hallway. Their talking and laughter brought her back to the present reality. She scanned the hallway for Amanda and spotted her standing in a corner immersed in a cloud of girlish laughter. Vanessa wondered how she was going to make it through the rest of the day… And how Amanda would make it through the night.
*************
Vanessa rode home in complete silence that evening. She didn’t even allow herself the monotonous drone of talk radio. Her mind lingered on the troubled look on Amanda’s face as Officer Bryant led her down the hall at the end of the day. Vanessa could not help feeling like she had done more to hurt the girl than to help her. It was going to be difficult for her to live away from her family, no matter how dysfunctional they were.
Pulling into her garage, Vanessa thought aloud, “Go well, Amanda. Ms. Wesley will be praying for you. Some people went through what you went through and lost their mind, but you will be alright – one day.”
Before Vanessa could get in the door good and put her bag down, the phone rang. She struggled to answer it and shut the door at the same time. Who could possibly be calling her now of all times. Out of breath, she answered, “Hello?”
“Hey, Baby Girl. How are you doing?”
It was her mother. “Fine. How ‘bout you Mama?”
“I am fine. Just wondering why you hadn’t called me in a little over a week. I was beginning to worry.”
“No reason. Just busy. And I was expecting you to call me. You always do.” replied Vanessa
“Don’t ever get too busy to call your mama. But enough of that. I just called to tell you that your grandmother is looking forward to seeing you this Friday night at her 75th birthday party. Are we riding together?”
“Friday night? Oh my God! I told Robin that I would go to a play with her and Mario. I got a date and everything.” screeched Vanessa.
“Well, cancel.” said Mrs. Wesley matter of factly.
“I guess I will have to. Is Kendra going too?
“Yea, but you know how your sister is – coming late and leaving early. I can’t be bothered with her trifling ways. I need someone who is going to get me there on time and have enough sense to leave before it is time to help with the dishes. And between you and your sister – that leaves you. So, what time should I be ready?”
“I will be there at six o’clock sharp.” said Vanessa.
“Good, see ya then.”
“Now what am I going to tell Robin? I know that she is going to think that I just couldn’t find a date. This is a mess sure ‘nuff,” sighed Vanessa picking up the phone and speed dialing Robin’s number.
“Hello?” answered Robin sounding groggy.
“What’s wrong with you? You can’t be drunk already. We just got off work. And besides, it is Wednesday."
“I was napping. Now what do you want, so I can go back to my nap.”
“Bad news. Real bad news. I completely forgot that this weekend was my grandmother’s birthday party. I can’t go to the play. I am sorry.”
“You lie. You just ain’t got no date. I can find you a man if you need me to. Nessa, you don’t have to go and lie to your friend.”
Vanessa laughed, “No, I am dead serious. They are giving her a big birthday celebration, and I have to be there. I can meet you and Mario afterwards, though. The party starts at seven, so we should be finished by ten. The play doesn’t start until eight. Let’s hook up for a late night snack.”
“No. Don’t worry about it. We can get up later. Enjoy yourself at the senior citizen birthday bash. Let me go, I am starting to wake up from my nap.”
“Alright.”
“Hey, wait a minute. What is up with your girl? Is she coming back?”
Vanessa took a deep breath. It irritated her how casual Robin was being about a child’s world being dismantled and devastated. But, then again, Robin had not been afforded the gruesome details of Amanda’s situation. “We probably won’t see her again. She is going to the Girls’ Home tonight. But the grandmother will probably get her before the week is out, and I understand that she lives in another school district.”
“That is crucial.”
“Yea, it is. But, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Nessa,” whispered Robin, “why is this thing getting to you so much? She is just another kid, like most of our kids, who has had a rough life. We have been dealing with this type thing since we got to Wilson Middle School. Why you trippin’?”
“I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Vanessa hung up the phone abruptly, looked around at her bags still in the middle of the floor, resisted the urge to kick them and instead stepped over them and walked to the stereo. Bishop Larkin’s words began to fill her living room, “Whom the Son sets free is free indeed.” Vanessa closed her eyes and willed the Son to come and set her free.
*********
“Slow this car down, Girl! We are going to get there in plenty of time. You are ripping through these small towns like you are out on the I.” snapped Mrs. Wesley
Vanessa stifled a scream. Riding with her mother was always a hellacious experience. She was always tempted to pull over, jump out, throw the keys in the grass and let the elder Mrs. Wesley drive. But, every time, just as she was about to swing open the door and jump out she was reminded of the lessons in respect that she tried to teach her students. So, she simply rode along gritting her teeth and stifling the screams and profane words that ran through her mind.
“I said slow this vehicle down,” yelled Mrs. Wesley.
Finally, she had had enough, “Look Mama, you are more than welcome to drive!”
“Who you getting smart with? I can still whip your tail, and I will do it too! Try me now; just try me.” Mrs. Wesley twisted around in her seat, grunting.
“Alright, Mama. Just please sit quietly and ride. There is no need for your commentary concerning my driving skills. Listen to the radio or something. Dag.”
“Dag? Oh, so you cussing at me now. I never thought that I would see the day when my children would cuss me! Girl, you ‘bout to catch the back of my hand. Fo sho you is. I will knock you out in here. I am your mama. Do you hear me? I birthed you, and you in here cussing me. This might be a new generation, but don’t you be no fool. It’s ya grandma birthday, but it’s ‘bout to be your death day! Keep on in this car. You think just cause you done moved out and got your house and stuff you grown? Not in my book, Baby. Cussin me! You done gone plum fool.”
“Ma! I’m sorry. Just please hush.” groaned Vanessa as they wound their way up the dirt road that led to her grandmother’s wood frame house.
“Huh.” grunted Mrs. Wesley. As soon as the car came to a halt, she jumped out – slamming the door behind her.
“This is going to be a long evening.” sighed Vanessa, slowly gathering her designer pocketbook and gift bags.
**************
As Vanessa was pulling out of her mother’s driveway, her cell phone rang. “Hello.”
“Hey, Girl. How was the party? Did your grandmother enjoy herself?”
Vanessa smiled. It was Robin. She had expected this call, but not so early. The play must just barely be over. “Yea, she did. It was very nice. The ride with Mama was the problem. She yelled at me about my driving the entire time – coming and going. I just dropped her off, and I am not too sure that I ever want to see her again.”
“Did your sister make it to the celebration?”
“Yea, Kendra showed up. Late as usual, and with another new man. This has got to be her fifth serious relationship this year. The family is tired of trying to act as if these guys matter. She changes them like paper plates. I don’t know what her problem is, and right now I don’t feel like trying to figure it out. But she is really making our upstanding family look all kinda trashy. What are you doing out of the play so early? You did go, didn’t you?”
“No, we didn’t. Mario had to work late, and I wasn’t going to get there ten minutes before the show started and have to sit on the roof. So, I told him that was okay. He didn’t complain, though. He is at one of his boys’ house now watching a game or something. I thought that the man would as least offer to spend a quiet evening with me. But no, he went shooting out of here like the bubonic plaque was chasing after his trifling tail. So, I have been here sulking all evening. My best friend was way out in the country where she couldn’t get no signal on her cell phone celebrating her grandmother’s birthday, and the person who is supposed to be my best friend is somewhere playing with someone else. Life sucks sometimes.”
“Could not get any signal,” corrected Vanessa
“What?”
“Double negative. You are a teacher, you know?”
“Yea. A miserable one,” answered Robin
“On that note, I can agree.”
“Oh yea, I got a call from Officer Bryant tonight. He said that he tried your house, but no one answered. He said that he just knew that I would deliver the message to you, and I assured him that I would.”
Vanessa was pulling into her garage. She felt her grip tighten on the steering wheel. She knew that the only reason Bryant would be calling on the weekend would be to update her on Amanda. “What is the message, Robin?”
“He said to tell you that Amanda’s grandmother has declined the opportunity to take her. He says that the grandmother said that she is already raising three of the cousins and does not have the room or the finances or the energy to take on another one. She says that she really doesn’t believe Amanda anyway, and she does not want her to come there and make up a story about her husband too. He says that she said that Amanda never liked her stepdad and that she is just trying to break up the marriage.”
Vanessa nearly dropped her cell phone. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she asked, “So what next for Amanda?”
“According to Bryant, foster care if it is available. If not, she stays in the group home until the trial is over, her mother leaves this man or she is eighteen.”
“No,” sighed Vanessa, “I can’t let that happen.”
“Girlfriend, you need to calm yourself down. What you mean, you can’t let that happen. This is not your problem. Hello?!! You did your part. You told the right people. That is what we are mandated by the state to do. You did that. She has been moved out of the line of direct danger. Now, you have got to go on. I have told you time and time and time again about getting so involved with these kids. Teach them and stay focused on their educational prosperity. Leave all that other stuff alone.”
Swiping at the tears that were streaming down her cheeks, Vanessa sniffed, “Robin, you just don’t get it do you? That little girl took a chance on trusting me. I did what I thought was right to do, and now her situation is worse than it was at the start. That is my fault.”
“Oh, it’s worse, huh? Excuse me, but tonight wherever that child is sleeping she doesn’t have to worry about that slimy, sleazy, sorry stepdad of hers sneaking into her room and violating her. She doesn’t have to wake up and feel like she is dirty, nasty or naughty. If that isn’t a plus, I don’t know what is? The other stuff will work out. She will be placed; she’s a sweet kid. Anyone who takes the time to get to know her will discover that and fall head over heels in love with her. Or maybe her mother will snap out of her denial and leave that trifling man. Who knows? You just gotta pray for her. That is all you can do now. Leave the rest of it alone. Please, stop trying to be a hero. You are killing yourself stressing.”
Vanessa had climbed the steps to the side door of her house. She was standing in the laundry room, and from there she had a clear view of the two extra bedrooms in her home. One was being used as an office, but the other one was used only when Kendra got evicted and needed a place to stay. Her mind struggled to grasp to seriousness of the thought that was careening through her brain. She took a deep breath and said, “No, there is one more thing for me to do.”
****************
Amanda stood in the doorway of the bedroom – her new bedroom. She did not move until Vanessa nudged her shoulder and guided her into the room. Vanessa gently took the young girl’s bags from her and placed them on the bed.
“This is all yours, at least until the trial is over and your family and the court decide what they want to do. You can hang your clothes in that closet over there. There are a few things in there, but they belong to my sister. Just push them to the side. Your bathroom is right through that door, and towels and soap are all in there. Let me know if you need anything else.”
Amanda still had not moved. Vanessa was beginning to wonder if she had done the right thing when she whispered, “Thank you so much, Ms. Wesley. I don’t know where I would have ended up if you hadn’t come to get me. That girls’ home was not a good place to be. People were always fighting and stealing and cussing each other out. I couldn’t think or study or find a moment to be alone. I was really starting to crack up. I promise that I will repay you. You won’t be sorry, and I won’t be a bother. I promise.”
Vanessa looked at the blossoming young lady through teary eyes and said, “Bother? I am not worried about you being a bother. Make yourself at home. I am going in the kitchen to start supper. Okay.” She gently closed the door as she left the room. She leaned heavily against the wall in the hallway, her body shaking with sobs. Questions began to bombard her mind. Had she really done the right thing? What was drawing her to this little girl? And was this going to actually help the situation? She knew that chances were that Amanda would be returned to her mother, and after seeing the stark contrast between her life and the life that she would lead until she was returned home… Well, that alone might depress the child even more. Anyway, what is done is done. Amanda was here now, and she needed something to eat.
**************************
Days pasted quickly into weeks, and weeks into months. Vanessa and Amanda had settled into a routine. They got up at 6:00am, took care of what they liked to call “their morning business” and rushed out the door. Vanessa always made sure that Amanda was at school by 7:45. (She had had her transferred, because it was to most feasible way to keep the discussion about who Amanda was living with down.) In the afternoons, Amanda caught the city bus home and usually had dinner started by the time Vanessa arrived. After dinner, Vanessa checked Amanda’s homework, talked to her about her day and then got ready to start it all over again.
In the three months that Amanda had been living with Vanessa, neither of them had brought up the issue of her stepdad. His trial had not been scheduled and neither her mother nor grandmother had called to check on her, and the social worker had come by only once. Vanessa wanted to address these issues with her, but decided to wait until Amanda brought them up. Afterall, she had told her about her stepdad in the first place. There must be some line of communication open. Still, Vanessa’s heart broke every time she walked by the closed door to Amanda’s room and heard the child weeping. She wanted to rush in and embrace her, but Vanessa knew all too well that part of working through these things was sorting your feelings and fears all alone.
****************************
“So, how is it going Mommy?” asked Robin as they sat down for lunch.
“Things are going pretty well. At least on the surface. We get along fine and stay out of each other’s way. She is hurting, though Robin. Really she is. I don’t know exactly how to reach out to her. There is like this wall between us when it comes down to the things that really matter, and the it just seems to get taller every day. That is so ironic because she opened up to me initially about her stepdad. Now, we only talk about homework and television shows. I just keep hoping that I have made the right decision.”
“I think you have. It takes guts to do what you are doing. And while I gave you a lot of lip about it, I really admire you. You are a special kind of person.”
“Girl, please. I just did what needed to be done. You would have done the same, gladly.”
“Yea, maybe. But probably not. I am too selfish. I like to do my thing, and a kid doesn’t fit me at all. Hey, has your family come around yet?” asked Robin dipping her nugget into the honey mustard sauce.
“Yea. Of course they were afraid that she would rob me in the night and cut my body to pieces, but they have met her and have officially fallen in love with her. I mean, who wouldn’t fall in love with her? She is such a sweet kid. Everyone at church loves her too. So, she has gained acceptance there. As a matter of fact, Mama is having a “welcome to the family” dinner for her after church Sunday. Of course, she doesn’t know about it, but it will be the official seal of approval. You know how Mama is. Why don’t you and Mario come on over to the house. Dinner starts at 4:00pm. Try to make it, okay.”
“I’ll try, but you know I sleep late on Sundays and all.”
“Yea, I know. When the last time you been to church? You are a heathen, girl. A straight heathen.”
The two ladies stood up from the table and linked arms on their way out to door. The students turned in their tracks to watch their teachers giggling like schoolgirls. That made Vanessa and Robin laugh even harder. And they laughed all the way to their respective classroom doors. But the laughter faded as Vanessa caught sight of the Amanda’s social worker standing at her door.
********************************
“Good afternoon, Ms. Wesley,” said Ms. Jenkins
“Good afternoon. Won’t you come in,” replied Vanessa unlinking her arm from Robin’s.
The two women walked into Vanessa’s classroom and sat in two student desks. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife. It was a moment before either women spoke. “What I came to talk to you about Ms. Wesley, is this. I got a call from Amanda’s mom this morning, and she wants to begin the process of relinquishing her parental rights. She said that she doesn’t want Amanda anymore. I think that she is under the influence of the step dad, but that is not for me to say. I wanted to talk to you about this without Amanda; I know it is going to be painful for her to hear. I actually don’t want to be the one to tell her; I would like for you to handle that since you two have a relationship. There is also the issue of the criminal charges. The state can pursue them, or they can be dropped. The scope has changed somewhat with her mother wanting to give her up. I need you to find out from Amanda if she is going to testify. If she is not, we do not have a case, and the proceedings would just bring her in contact with her family again. The fact that they are not ever going to take her home will just make it more painful. Do you understand where I am coming from?”
“That was a lot of information. I think I understand, though. I will talk with Amanda tonight, and you can give me a call Monday. Hopefully, I will have some answers for you. Now, I need to know what all of this means for Amanda and me. Will I be allowed to begin the process for adoption? Can she continue to stay with me? I should be a certified foster parent by the end of this month, so we will be out from under that scrutiny. I just don’t want her uprooted again. You do understand that?” Vanessa’s voice was rising with the utterance of each syllable, and she struggled to maintain her composure.
“Calm down, Ms. Wesley,” said Ms. Jenkins reaching for Vanessa’s hand, “Yes, she can stay with you. And, yes, you may begin the adoption process as soon as her mother’s rights are terminated. We do not have any record of the biological father, so we can begin proceedings without him. If he shows up later and wants her, though… Well, we will cross that bridge if we get to it.”
The bell sounded, and Vanessa stood up. “I will talk to Amanda about all of this this weekend. I will let you know how she feels about everything Monday. Okay?”
“Okay, Ms. Wesley. Give me a call before then if you need to. I am sure that Amanda will have a lot of questions.” The two women shook hands, and Vanessa took her post beside her door. She ignored the inquiring glance that Robin gave her. She knew all too well that she would have to spill the beans, but she wanted to prolong that affair for as long as possible.
*****************
Friday night rolled into early Saturday morning, and Vanessa still had not talked to Amanda. They had enjoyed a movie together, gone over her weekend homework, (they always got that out of the way early, so that they could relax the rest of the weekend) showered and retired to their respective rooms. Vanessa had not been able to stand the confines of her bedroom, so she went out into the living room and turned on the stereo. The music swirled around her and wrapped her in its arms. The crooning of Kenny G’s saxophone tried to take her to another place at another time. And she was almost there, until the CD ended, the disc changed and Bishop Larkin’s voice thundered through the room, “She tossed aside her blankets…”
Vanessa sighed as she thought about what she had to do and how painful it would be - for Amanda and for her. She glanced at the clock; it read 1:32a.m. She listened intently for an indication that Amanda was still awake. She knew that she usually stayed up late into the night reading the Bible, praying and crying. She smiled softly as her mind drifted to thoughts of how she had often spent her nights doing the same thing. Just as she thought she was safe, (she would not have to talk to Amanda tonight) she heard muffled sniffles.
“Alright, Vanessa. You can do this. Man up. Get in there! You are all that she has; get your butt in there,” she coached herself aloud. Vanessa tiptoed down the hall and tapped lightly on Amanda’s door, “Mandi, can I come in?”
“Yes,” came the muffled voice.
Vanessa turned the doorknob and walked slowly into the neatly kept room. Everything was in perfect order – so unlike this young lady’s life. Amanda sat on the bed with her legs drawn up to her chin. The child’s pink Bible lay open beside her, and an almost empty box of Kleenex sat beside it. Vanessa closed the Bible, marking Amanda’s place with the ribbon and placed the box of Kleenex on the desk beside the bed. “Can I sit down?”
“Sure,” sniffed Amanda scooting closer to the wall as if there were a need to make room for Vanessa to sit down.
“I talked to your social worker today or yesterday now,” said Vanessa glancing at the digital clock on the nightstand. “There are some things that we need to talk about. Are you up to it?”
“Yea, I guess. What did she say?”
“First of all, we are going to began the adoption process in a few months. I want you to stay with me forever.” Vanessa thought that if she put that part of the news first, it would soften the blows that were to come later.
Amanda smiled slightly, “That’s great. I really like it here. I feel so, so… safe and loved and just comfortable. You have been really nice to me and really cool about me staying here. It is nothing like it was at my house. I don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing or getting yelled at and slapped around for making a mistake. I do miss my little brother, though, but he never really paid too much attention to me. He stuck close to Momma and Gerald. I guess even he knew that he was the favorite. They had him in common; I was just extra… left over from another relationship. But what about my mother? Is she okay with you trying to adopt me?”
Vanessa inhaled sharply and then exhaled slowly, “Well, Sweetheart, your mom thinks that it would be better if you stayed with me too. She is going to give up her parental rights, and that makes it legal for me to try to adopt you.”
The frail child dropped her head and began to trace the designs on the comforter, “She doesn’t want me because she thinks I am lying. I know that is the reason. But Vanessa, he really did it. He really did it. I tried to make him stop, but he wouldn’t listen. He really did it!”
“I know he did, Sweetheart. I believe you.” Amanda was screaming now, and Vanessa gathered her into her arms. They rocked back and forth on the bed.
Vanessa choked back tears, and Amanda cried openly – almost wailing. “He would wait until everyone was asleep. Mom worked at night, so after we got my little brother in the bed it was just him and me. He started coming in my room just to talk. He would ask me about my day and if I had any boyfriends. He always wanted me to describe how the guys at school acted with me. I told him that they were just normal guys, playing around and stuff. He wanted to know how they played around. No matter what answer I gave him, he had another question. All of that made me uncomfortable, but I didn’t say anything to anyone. I thought he was trying to be friendly and just did not know how. Momma had told me how lucky I was to have a step dad who treated me like I was his own kid. I don’t know who my real dad is; I never even heard Momma talk about him.” Vanessa stoked the girl’s hair, and silently urged her to keep talking. Amanda needed this time. “Then, he started touching me in funny ways. He would, like, put his hands under my covers and rub my legs and feet. And then one night he actually put his hand under my nightgown. After that night, I started sleeping in sweatpants. I didn’t want to give him another chance to do that. I didn’t care how hot it was, I always slept in sweatpants. I didn’t think that he should be doing it, you know touching me. But I didn’t know what to do, so I started acting like I was asleep whenever he came into my room. I thought that maybe that would stop him. It didn’t. He would still touch me anyway.”
Vanessa interrupted softly, “Mandi, how long did he do this to you?”
She looked up into Vanessa’s tear streaked face, “Since I was six. He just kept touching me all the time at night. Except on the weekend, though. That was when Momma was home. On the weekends, he acted like I didn’t exist. He played with my brother and spent time with my Mom. I usually tried to stay with a friend or my grandmother. I tried to tell my grandmother one time, but she hit me and told me all about how much my step dad, Gerald, loved me and how much money he made. I never talked to her again about it, and I kinda stopped going over there so much.”
Amanda hesitated for a moment, and Vanessa asked, “Are you alright, Sweetheart? You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
“No, I’m fine. I need to do this.”
Vanessa sighed deeply, thinking of the maturity of this young child. She knew adults who refused to confront difficult situations, and here was a thirteen-year-old taking it head on. “Okay, but you can stop whenever you want.”
Amanda took a deep breath and snuggled closer to Vanessa, “Okay. Things went on like that for what seemed like forever. He would come into my room every night and touch me. Most nights, I would play sleep. Sometimes, he would try to wake me up and sometimes he wouldn’t. It really didn’t seem to matter much to him. He just kept doing funny things to me, and on the nights when he knew I was awake he would make me do things to him. Sometimes he hurt me, but not all the time. It was just uncomfortable, and it made me feel nasty. Lots of nights, after the left my room, I would go a take a shower. I would stay in there and just scrub and scrub. I wanted all the places that he touched be clean again; I wanted the old skin to go away and new skin to come in its place. But, he ruined that too. One night when I was in the shower, he came into the bathroom. That was a bad night; he got in the shower with me and made me wash him. The whole time he just had this dumb smile on his face. He didn’t even talk; he just pointed at the places that he wanted me to wash. I hate bathrooms.”
Vanessa glanced at their reflection in the dresser mirror directly across from the bed. Amanda was crying rivers, but she was not hysterical. Vanessa rubbed her hand gently across her back in an effort to remind Mandi that she was there with her. Vanessa, however, was shocked by her own reflection. Her eyes were red and swollen and beads of sweat were popping out on her forehead. Her hair was curling up around the edges and the band had fallen out of her ponytail. Suddenly, her clothes felt too close to her body, and she wanted nothing more than to run out of the room. To run away from the horror that Mandi was sharing with her – the horror that she too had lived. But, just before wrenching herself from Mandi’s tightening grasp, she looked again at Mandi’s reflection. Her face was awash with new tears and her eyes were closed tightly in what had to be secret agony. Mandi needed her, and she had to be here for her.
“Mandi, open your eyes, please. I need you to look at me.” Vanessa disentangled herself from Mandi’s embrace and pushed the child gently away, creating enough space for her to look into Mandi’s face. “Mandi, open your eyes. You don’t have to do this right now. It is okay if you want to stop. It is okay if you have had enough remembering.”
Mandi’s bloodshot eyes flickered open slowly, and she blinked rapidly as if trying to figure out where she was. “I’m okay, Vanessa. I am okay. I just kinda lost it for a minute.” She leaned back into Vanessa. Vanessa, taking her cue, from Mandi gathered the teenager back into her arms. Silently, she prayed that Mandi would fall asleep. She didn’t know how much more of this either of them could take. Her prayers, however, must not have had time to reach heaven’s gate. Mandi started softly, “Then I turned thirteen over last summer. He made a big deal out of it, and even gave me a huge birthday party. All of my friends were there. My cousins came, and we had a wonderful time. There were games and pizza and water balloon fights. It was the one time that I can remember that everyone in my family seemed happy. I thought maybe this was Gerald’s way of saying that he was sorry and that he was going to stop bothering me. Man, was I wrong.”
Amanda stopped taking abruptly and stared off into space. Vanessa felt her hug slacken and then release. Amanda slid back against the wall and drew her legs up to her chest. The girl rocked back and forth, back and forth. She was muttering something under her breath, but Vanessa couldn’t exactly make out what it was. It sounded like, “Stop, stop, stop.” Vanessa wanted to grab her and shake her out of this trance, but she thought better of it. This was Amanda’s time, and however she needed to deal with this… Well, Vanessa would let her do so.
Mandi startled Vanessa when she started to speak, “The Monday after my big party, my mother went to work, as usual, and we went through our usual evening routine. My little brother fell asleep about eight o’clock, and I went to take my shower. I was not too worried about Gerald, because like I said I thought the party was his way of saying he was sorry. I guess I really wanted to believe that it was over. But, when I got out of the shower he was in my room. I just had on my robe, so I started backing out into the hallway. He grabbed me, though. He started talking about me being a woman now since I was thirteen. He kept asking me if I knew what women and men did. I didn’t answer him. I was crying too hard.”
Amanda stopped talking again, and got that faraway look in her eyes. Vanessa swiped at the tears that ran down her cheeks, meeting under her chin. She was really struggling to keep it together, but she knew that she couldn’t break down in front of Mandi.
Mandi scooted even closer to the wall and started rocking again. She was talking to someone in her mind’s eyes, but Vanessa could tell that the person was not listening to her pleas to stop hurting her. She clutched at her clothing and pushed invisible hands away. She pursed her lips tightly and shook her head back and forth. She whispered, “It hurts, it hurts.” Vanessa closed her eyes and tried desperately to remind herself of where she was. When the bed started to move with Amanda’s thrashing and her breathing became labored, Vanessa felt like enough was enough. “Mandi. Mandi. Sweetheart, let’s try to focus. Mandi, you are safe. You are home. We are in your room, at your house, with your friend,” Vanessa hesitated before she continued, “with your mama.”
Amanda opened her eyes slowly and looked intently at Vanessa. Her breathing began to return to normal. And Vanessa could tell that she was trying to reacquaint herself with her surroundings. Vanessa reached for Mandi and gathered her into a hug. She held the child as close and as tightly as she could without crushing. She wanted so desparately for Mandi to feel all of the love that she was trying to express. “My mama? You mean you still want me after hearing all of that? Seeing all of this. I, I just feel so nasty; like it will never go away. Like I can’t take enough showers. Like he is apart of everything I do. Every place I go. Like he is inside of me. I don’t even want myself, and you want me? You wanna be my mama?”
“Of course. Of course, I do. The only way that I could not want you would be to not want myself.”
Amanda’s head jerked up quickly as she sought Vanessa’s eyes. She couldn’t find them, though; they were hidden behind a fountain of tears. Instead, she settled for her hand and squeezed it tightly, linking her fingers through Vanessa’s, “You mean, you… when you were little, you were… somebody?”
Vanessa smiled slightly as she thought about the difficulty Mandi was having asking the question that she really didn’t want to have to answer, “Yes, Mandi. When I was little some people did some bad stuff to me; the same bad stuff that Gerald did to you. I guess that is a little bit of why you were automatically so special to me. That and your stellar personality, academic genius and irresistable charm.”
Amanda looked up at Vanessa with tears in her eyes and smiled, “So, you really do want to keep me, huh?”
Vanessa sighed and embraced her tightly, “Wanna keep you? Gonna keep you. I do. I do. Always and forever.” She stood up to leave the room. As she approached the door, she turned to look at Amanda.
The girl was already snuggling down under the comforter; she was visibly exhausted. “Always and forever,” she whispered as her heavy eyelids started to droop.
Vanessa smiled, swiped at the tears that were still careening down her face, turned out the light and whispered, “Goodnights, Mandi, from now on. Good nights. Always and forever…”
The e-book version of Sam Vaknin's "Malignant Self - Love - Narcissism Revisited". Contains the entire text: essays, frequently asked questions and
appendices regarding pathological narcissism and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Dozens of Frequently Asked Questions regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
A collection of love poetry both relatable and unique.. Poems both joyful, playfu , yearning and romantic. The Poet has exposed his heart and soul in words of love and admiration. Take a journey through the thoughts of a Contempary poet of love. Poet
