I might as well tell you what one of my auditions are like since I'm always talking about them. I mean its so hot this Labor Day weekend you probably want to stay in your air conditoned home and besides the movies and TV shows are so bad today that I'm sure you'd rather read some of my stories.... Whatever...
So anyways last week I went to my many auditions that my agent always keeps on getting for me but unfortunately I can never seem to land a role. Well this may be one role that I didn't mind not getting.
So Jerry my agent called me up and said I would be auditoning for one of those many dumb teenage comedies that you see come out of the woodworks today because Gen Yers love watching them and to the Hollywood people Gen Yers are their 'cash crop.'
Anyways because I have such a 'girlish looking face' and because a lot of people think I 'act like a teenager' I get a lot of auditons for high school roles. Anyways the audition is for an upcoming flick called 'Malibu Beach Cheerleaders.'
So I go to the casting agency, a dingy looking place on Sunset Blvd. The receptionist gives me a copy of my sides, you know a two paged script with my lines in it, I'll be auditioning for one of the 'cheerleader roles.' I don't really look at my lines because the audition is a 'cold reading'. That means the casting director doesn't care if I memorize my lines. He just wants to see how well I read the part and I've been doing so many cold readings I can read the part for practically any role out there.
Anyways the receptionist tells me to go to the audition room and the first thing I noticed the room is filled with cigar smoke. The casting director, a middle aged fella named 'Dan', gets up and shakes my hand with a big old stogie in his mouth. The nerve of that casting director smoking in a public place which I believe is against California law, not to mention how it will affect my audition. I'm practically holding my breathe trying not to cough. I felt like taking that stogie out of that casting director's mouth and throwing it in the trashcan.
Dan motions to a young fellow with spiky hair sitting next to him. I recall seeing that spiky haired fella in quite a few recent B movies. He probably had the lead male role as the All American jock or maybe All American hood. He sure looked the part. "Alright," Dan says to me. "You'll be reading the lines for 'Bambi' and Tommy here will be reading 'Jimbo's' lines. So lets get started."
Well I take a glance at my lines and what would you expect from a movie starring a girl named 'Bambi' and a fella named 'Jimbo?' There must have been every dirty word you can think of in those lines. I also would get involve with unwholsome things like underage drinking and a few other unsavory things.
"I'm sorry," I told Dan. "But I can't audition for this part. I mean I'm saying every dirty word in the dictionary and I'm doing a few unsavory things that are against my principles."
Dan chuckled. "Comeon you'd be perfect being 'Bambi.' A cute young redhead like you? I mean if you're looking for All American wholesome girl roles you need to go into some kind of 'time machine.' This is 2007 not 1957. What do you think Tommy, wouldn't she make a perfect Bambi?" I mean what the heck your name is 'Fifi.' What the heck is the difference between 'Fifi' and 'Bambi?'
Tommy gave me that disgusting leer of a look and grinned. "Yeah Danny this chic would be real hot for that part. I definitley would like to see her get that role."
I just stared at these two wolves for a few seconds, quietly got up and said. "Well Danny and Tommy, I hope you find your 'Bambi.' I'm going to leave now. Now I am a very professional person and I believe as we are all in the entertainment profession to give the most courteous respect to all my colleagues. Now if I was not a very professional person, both of you would be on the ground groaning and moaning as I know Tae Kwon Doe and I would have you kicked the both of you in your you know what quicker than you can say 'Abracadabra.' As it is I am just going to say BOOLAH BOOLAH BOOLAH to how I feel about this whole audition."
I got up and walked out while those two wolves sat there and stared at me, that filthy cigar still stuck in that casting director's mouth.
