That Snail had a lot to say but then it was only a dream or was it?
I just had another of my strange interesting dreams last night. Anyways I woke up out of a deep sleep and went to drink some water because I was kind of thirsty. I walk by my roomamate Marissa's bedroom where she is sound asleep. Well I drink my water and as I am leaving the kitchen and going back to my bedroom I hear this deep male voice calling me from the outside. "Fifi......"
"Who the heck is calling me?" I said to myself as I headed to the door. It's not Biff or Jerry or Father or any other male I know. Well I open the door and it's pitch dark outside and I don't see anything.
"Anybody out there?" I'm standing out in the cool early morning in my pajamas. I hear nothing and just as I'm about to close the door I hear that 'voice' bellow out my name. "FIFI..."
"Allright what kind of nonsense is this?" I shout to noone in particular. "Is this some kind of nut? I'm ready to call the police so you better get, you wierdo or whatever you are." I must admit I was a little nervous.
Then I hear the deep voice suddenly get softer. "Fifi there is no reason for you to do that. Besides the police wouldn't be able to hear you anyways. Nobody in this entire world is awake right now, including all the animals.
Come closer to the tree and you will see me."
'I must be going crazy', I think to myself, hearing this silly voice when noone else could hear it. This has to be some kind of nutty dream., I was curious that Marissa did not wake up after I screamed at the 'voice.'
Anyways I put on my slippers and head towards a large oak tree in front of the apartment complex. "OK I'm here," I shout in the direction where the 'voice'came from. " Now you better watch it. I have a kitchen knife here. If you do anything funny...."
"You don't have any knife Fifi. You're just making up a white lie, but that's OK. I'll forgive you for saying a white lie considering your going thru a little stress right now. Come my child, look at the side of the tree and you will see me."
I kind of squinted thru the dark and see the treetrunkand what do I see?
A LARGE BROWN SNAIL. It turned it's head and looked at me.
"Omigosh you mean you're a SNAIL." I couldn't believe that I was standing in my pajamas out in the cool early morning talking to a snail.
"Yes," the snail replied. "I am not a snail I am......Well I'll tell you later. Anyways I want you to give a message to the people"
"A message to the people?"
"Yes I'm a servant and my 'boss' is tired of these people complaining of wanting to 'keep up with the Jones' and feel miserable that they aren't as 'wealthy' as some other people when they have...
"Fresh air to breathe and water to drink. Even though they're doing a heck of a job trying to pollute the water and air. Also what if one of these days IT JUST STOPS RAINING? Yet they complain about these 'storms.'"
"Huge oceans to make oxygen and provide seafood"
"Plenty of plants and animals for food"
"For the most part healthy strong bodies that last a long time"
"A planet with a perfect atmosphere. I'd like to see some of these people try living on Mars or Venus or Jupiter."
"Every kind of natural herb and medicine in the world to cure people in case they get sick. You just have to find them. You can't tell me those highly paid medicine men down there just snap their fingers and the drugs just come out of the air, can you?"
I chuckled
"Well Fifi will you give all these people my message?"
"Of course I will, so you're just a sail
in disguise? That means you could be ....HIM?"
"No I just said I wasn't HIM. I'm George Burns, remember me? I played HIM in the movies and I've come back to Earth give a message FROM THE REAL HIM and if people don't change their ways HE will come down and I'm telling you, HE won't be coming down as a snail. More like a huge ball of fire."
"So why did he pick me as a messanger?"
"HE wanted someone who was churchgoing, honest and innocent. I won't tell him that white lie you said. Anyways go to one of these News Station and have them broadcast my message on TV."
"I will. I mean I really respect and admire HIM but I'm not sure if the people will believe me."
"Then tell them next time the next time message is delivered IT WILL BE NICE AND
HOT for everyone."
"OK snail I mean Mr Burns. It's nice meeting you, now I'm quite sleepy and need to get some shuteye so I'm well rested tommorow."
"Allright Fifi, Goodbye." The snail slowly climed up the tree and disappeared.
I woke up the next morning laughing at obviously a silly dream or was it. I looked all around that tree and didn't see any snail. Still....? I picked up the phone and called the local TV station.........
The Wholly Book of Doo-Doo-Rot-on-Me is adult satirical humor featuring adult language and adult content, and the work is a parody of the Old Testament Book of Deuteronomy.
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