Monday, October 1, 2007, London, England~

Dear Journal~

Audrey Callaway here. I am at the airport, waiting for the flight that will take me back to the United States. Going back home to see some friends, then I will fly back here to England, spend more time with my sick daughter, Susie, who is not doing well.

I don't know if I should be going home, but I need to get away; have been cooped up at the hospital; not doing me (or my daughter) any good in her recovery. P'huh! Some recovery. Brain damage. No hope of her regaining lost functions. She'll always have someone to come take care of her needs; she is right now like a baby. Not able to do much for herself; very heartbreaking.

I am mad. Good and mad. My daughter wouldn't be in this predicament if she only got help for her problems. She was raped and abused; she carries horrible memories that will probably never fade away, even with all the therapy in the world. She's tried to commit suicide on several occasions; this last time was the last straw. She suffered brain damage due to heavy blood loss and lack of oxygenation to her brain; she can't talk or move right. She just lies there, her spirit, her heart broken, and I can't take it any more!

I wish I knew what to do to help her, but I'm at a loss. Rick has tried to see her, but Susie acts scared of him; she wants nothing to do with him. Her sisters Lacey and Maria have seen her, but all they want is "the old Susie" back, not the stone-faced, sick, sad Susie of the present.

I am going to Tennessee because Louie is in trouble. Two of her kids are in the hospital; I know Ronee' had a flare, but as for Johnny, I don't know why he's in. I just know he had a bad spell and that he has been in a bad way. I hope I make it in time; I hope he isn't dying; I don't know if I could take that on top of all this shit I'm going through in my own life.

I will see my brother Wayne when I'm in Nashville; hear he isn't doing too well either. He's been having a series of small strokes, and it's affected his ability to think or function; he's had to go to working only a few days a week at the hospital because he keeps forgetting things. He's also been having more problems with his spina bifida and his kidneys; he's now on regular dialysis treatments.

I don't know what I've done to deserve all this fuckin' shit in my life. I lost my home, my possessions in Hurricane Katrina in August 2005. Then I go to California, and my kids get kidnapped, and I nearly get killed by my husband, Jack. Took me months to recover from that. Then Susie gets muscular dystrophy, and I get my kids back, only to find out horrible things were being done to them. Then Susie has a stroke earlier in the summer, and then this with her cutting herself, trying to take her own life. She even tried to get her friend Rebekkah Rachel Cohen to join her in a "suicide pact".

I saw the letter she wrote to me; this was part of what it said:

"Dear family~

Please don't be mad at me. I am going to go to Heaven because I have come to the conclusion that I am not needed on this Earth. Death would be a welcome reprieve from my messed-up life.

I'm sorry if I wasn't the daughter you wanted me to be; I have too much going on, and you have no idea what I have had to endure.

I only hope that after we are gone that you will remember only the good times; please don't remember the bad. I don't want to hurt you, but I know of no other way to end my ongoing pain.

I hope you come to understand why I've chosen to do this. Don't worry; I won't be alone; Rebekkah Cohen has decided to join me. I'll have my best friend in Heaven.

I love you, Mom, and I love Maria and Lacey too. Give them my best, and tell them they can have my stuff to remember me by. In the meantime, I must get ready to meet Jesus. Maybe He can take away all the hurt I've had to put up with on Earth.

Good bye forever. Love, your daughter, Susie.

P.S.: I won't be a burden anymore."

When I saw that letter, I tell you, my heart stopped. I could actually feel it stop briefly in my chest. I knew Susie had problems; I just didn't know HOW bad her problems were. Now because of her actions, her life is over, and she will never be the same again. She will be in a permanent vegetative state (or her doctors have said; it's looking really bad for her nowadays).

I don't know what I could have done to make things go differently. I guess I was not meant to be a parent; as a mother I have failed miserably.

I am going to go now; I can't see; crying too fucking hard.

~Audrey Jo. :(