Weds., Nov. 14, 2007, Anchorage, Alaska~

Dear Journal~

Jenna Aurora here. Sorry for not writing; as you know, I have been in the hospital. Just got out last week; am still feeling weak/sore, but every day I feel a little bit better.

I do, however, miss my husband, not to mention, my youngest son. Michael is still at the hospital, where he continues to keep vigil over our youger child, Kenai, who was born very premature. When born, he weighed just over a pound; he now weighs 2 1/2 pounds, and he continues to battle to survive.

Kenai has been having spells of "apnea" (stoppage of breathing); he sometimes "forgets" to breathe; this is when the nurses have to flick the bottoms of his feet, so as to remind him to take a breath (plus the arlarms sound), scaring Michael (and the nurses) halfway to death.

He is constantly being monitored; this way, he can be helped if any problems unexpectedly crop up.

With babies that little, one never knows what will happen--or when.

Meanwhile, I'm at home, with my sister, Jerrica, and my oldest son, Mattaq, who is now 1 1/2. He is talking, walking; he is quickly turning into a little man.

Looks just like his granddaddy, my late father, who now plays among the northern lights. I still miss him; I see Father in my oldest son, and it makes me sad inside.

Jerrica is helping me as I recover. I am so glad she's here; she has tried to ease the pain I feel inside, and she's tried to be supportive of my feelings.

Ever since my second son was born, I have been feeling depressed. I don't know why; I should be happy about Kenai's birth, but instead of feeling happy, I feel sad.

Maybe I'm going crazy; I don't know; this is so unlike me.

Jerrica has been trying to keep me busy, keep my mind occupied. She plays games like Parchesi, Scrabble, or backgammon; my spirit isn't in it. I keep thinking of Michael and Kenai back at the hospital; I wonder what they are doing, how the baby is faring.

Or she takes me out to eat; I don't like it much because people stare. I'm in a wheelchair, am paralyzed on one side, can't move my one arm or my legs. I'm tri-plegic. People think I've suffered a stroke; I don't like having to go through the whole rigamarole, telling them (in sign) what's happened to me; it's still a very sore subject with me.

It's been nearly three years now since that terrible accident that left me permanently/severely disabled. And I continue to fight the government, trying to get my disability benefits that I feel are due to me.

The stupid SSDI people keep rejecting my disability claim, telling me that "I'm not disabled enough; that I can still work", which is ludicrous. I'm paralyzed on one side; my legs don't work, I'm in a stupid wheelchair, for God's sake! I have been rejected three times; we've since gotten a lawyer to represent my case. It's really frustrating!

Well, that's all I have to report. Nothing much is going on with me. I have a very boring life. If I didn't have Jerrica or Mattaq with me, I'd gone off the deep end long ago. I will write more when I am feeling better/stronger. Take care!

~Jenna Aurora. :(