Julie Uecker's mother, Dory Elizabeth, updates us on what has been going on in her life since her teenaged daughter's untimely death nearly four years ago. She still grieves.
I don't think you remember me; but I had to write to let you know what has been going on in my life since my daughter, Julie, died nearly four years ago.
My name is Dory Elizabeth Uecker. I live in Nashville, Tennessee, with my family. I did have a daughter, Julie, but she died, and the pain I still feel inside at times is more than I can bear.
Julie would have been nineteen this year. She had her whole life ahead of her; yet because of pride, peer pressure, and a low self esteem (probably a combination of all three), Julie couldn't get past the fact that she thought she was too fat; and she ended up killing herself. She literally starved herself to death.
I don't think I will ever get the image of the doctors and nurses trying to resuscitate Julie when she coded out of my mind. I still have nightmares; I still see that awful scene whenever I close my eyes. I wish that my girl was still here, that her situation could have had a totally different outcome; at times I blame myself for her death because I wasn't more vigilent, more careful, when Julie started on her crazy diet.
I wish I could have done something to prevent her from going the distance she did. I wish Julie were still here; to see her empty chair, to go into what used to be her bedroom still sickens me inside; I can't look at her pictures even now without shaking, wanting to cry, or even throw up.
I try to talk about her death, try to come to terms with it; yet I can't. I. just. can't. I can't accept the fact that she purposely did this to herself, that she was being selfish, just because a few "friends" told her she needed to lose a few pounds, that she was too fat. Of course, you can imagine how devastated she was. That was when all the craziness began, and it just escalated from there.
I am now seeing a psychiatrist, to try to help me deal with my feelings; this is one of the things he told me to do: write it out, don't hold back your emotions, just let 'em fly. Don't be ashamed to let loose, in other words. Well, I am trying like hell not to cry; it's still hard for me at best to talk about Julie. God, I miss her so much!!
Every day, I am reminded that she's no longer here. I see things, and in them, I see Julie: in the rain showers, in the morning glories or rose bushes (she loved flowers), in the stars (Julie loved watching the skies at night), in the faces of other teenagers who may be going through what Julie did when she was alive, in the eyes of our other children (all of our children have the same type of eyes: big and brown), in my husband (she resembled him more than me). I sometimes swear I hear/see Julie walking around; yet when I look up, I see nothing. Then I know she's gone, and I burst out into tears once again.
I don't know why my daughter took her own life by starving herself; ever since then, I have been trying to talk to other teenagers, girls in particular, about the dangers of extreme dieting, about the symptoms of anorexia nervosa, and what it can do to a family. It tried to destroy us; yet we are fighting back; we continue to fight to this day. Every day is a slow, healing process, and it does get easier with time; yet the pain still lingers. I guess it always will.
Well, I will let you go now. I have to go to work. I will write in here again soon. Take care and God bless!
Eating disorders are horrible things, my couisn had one in highschool as did a couple of my friends, I know they struggled for a long time, but they managed to get through, not everyone does, as is the case with far to many
God Bless
Michelle~
To answer Walt's statement: the reason women have such poor visions of themselves in a mirror is because daily we're beat over the head by the media: skinny on TV, movies, magazines, shows like "The Biggest Loser", that new one on Showtime (about getting comfortable with being naked), lose the weight, lose the weight, lose the weight - hell, a size TWO is considered fat now! Too bad. No wonder women starve themselves and feel like poop.
I understand, in a way why Julie did it: to fit in. A square peg in a circular hole. Such a sad write, Karen...wondering if she (the mother) had anything to do with her daughter's death. Did she say anything that could have started the cycle? Who knows. Still, very well penned.
Mental health professionals have an easier time figuring out the raging schizophrenic than the reasoning behind a young woman's vision of herself in a mirror.
THe loss of any child is a tragedy of the worst kind but when it happens because of suicide or violence in any form it is all the more so. However no one can understand or condem another for what they do without being a mind reader...sad as that is. Great glimplse into a mothers pain and sorrow.
The grieving will never cease, but it will be covered by time with the tender memories of the child that are here no more.
Those that hadn't lost a child can't imagine the size of that pain.
Georg
At the young of age of seven, Jill's mother Eve takes her for regular sessions to a child psychologist for treatment of her anxiety, which only makes her behavior worse. When she reaches her teens, she starts drinking and then smoking marijuana with
A passionate and poignant memoir written by a woman whose life has been guided by the words: "I am here to learn how to love well." The book is a deep examination of relationships, family, motivation, and honoring of the Self.
