The Invitation
Bereaved parents personalize ways by which to incorporate the past lives of their children into their present tense. No one forgets about his child; the difference is in how each parent remembers. Remember that sappy bumper sticker “Have you hugged your child today?” Well, have you?
Coping with the permanent absence of death is the first step parents need to take. However well we may do this does not, however, prevent us from still wanting our children to be there with us when we know they cannot.
I found a way Ben “could” be with us on the occasion of my second marriage. The answer was right there on the synagogue wall and was as simple as turning on a light bulb.
Dear Ben,
Are you free April 2nd?
If you haven't already heard, we are planning a wedding on Sunday, April 2 of this year! And I have been spending quite a lot of time thinking about how I'd forward an invitation to you. Although tedious, it is easy to draw up the guest list, have the invitations designed and printed, address them and off they go. Just wait around for the responses. It’s that simple.
What isn’t so simple is to figure out an appropriate way you can be with us too. Just last week, I consulted with Rabbi Louis on this question, and he made quite a few good suggestions. It seemed at first such a daunting problem, but in truth its simplicity had simply eluded me. Then it came to me.
Perhaps you will remember how I taught you that the lines of life are mostly colored in with a gray crayon. Most of what exists as truly black and white you will find only in that crayon box. Darkness is nothing more than the absence of light and, therefore, if we illumine the darkness, so much the better do we see.
Even the joy of a wedding is never absolutely free of tearful remembrance. We Jews always blend our joy into a tincture, an admixture sobered by sorrowful memories. Our rejoicing is never complete until we recall the destruction of the Batei Ha Mikdash, the two temples in Jerusalem, which we do by breaking the glass though it is, as you know, always followed by a hearty "Mazel Tov!"
Jews are people of historical memory. Always remembering our darker days, we invariably look to the next sunrise!
Love,
Dad
p.s. Oh right! My idea? I’ll leave your yahrzeit light on.
