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Somebody Should Have Told Me.: Special Needs Parenting 101 (Part One) by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Rated "G" by the Author.
A mother feels overwhelmed by the challenges of raising a child who was born handicapped.
Someone should have told me not to get pregnant--or at least tell me not to get married.
Which was what I wanted to do: I wanted nothing more than to become a wife or a mother. Now that I am, now that I am a mother, I wonder if my dream was worth it.
Because I am feeling anything but motherly. I feel more like the world's biggest failure, both as a wife, and as a mother. I'm probably the worst mother there ever was.
Having a child like mine doesn't help matters any. My child was not the child I envisioned when I was pregnant. My child was born damaged; unfortunately, this kind of damage won't go away; my child will always be handicapped for the rest of his life.
I feel it was my fault. I didn't take very good care of myself when I was pregnant. I smoked, I drank, and now my child must live with the implications that I caused.
My child has fetal alcohol syndrome. He is mentally disabled, and doesn't look like most kids his age. At the age of seven, he is only as big as a four year old, he's underweight, and he is very immature. He is in kindergarten, and he has only recently learned his letters or his colors.
My child is in special classes at school, but I don't think they are doing him any good. The other kids tease him, and the teacher doesn't seem to give a rip. Every day Joey comes home from school in tears, and it is all I can do to keep from wanting to go to his school and bash that stupid teacher's face in!
I can't wait for the end of school. Neither can Joey. School has been nothing but an interminable hassle for him, and it breaks my heart that the other kids, even the ones in his class, don't want to have anything to do with him. My son can't help the way he is; he's a person, too, and because of my stupidity, he must live with disabilities that aren't even his fault. They are MY fault, NOT his.
Joey has frequent outbursts, and he is hard to control at times. My husband Nick and I are always at each other's throats about raising Joey, and I know he hears us fighting just about every night. It seems that divorce is the only option we have right now; we can't take any more of the stress that's taken hold of our lives!
I don't know what's going to happen to Joey or me if we were to get a divorce, but anything's gotta be better than what we're having to face in life right now!
Responsibiliy and accountability. Perhaps, the two most powerful words in our language. The child is the victim in this case. He should be loved and treated with all of the respect and dignity any other child receives. But certainly, he should be given much greater understanding. By his parents, other family members. Bless the little children of the world. JMW
Sometimes the consequences of our actions aren't easy to bear... but it isn't fair to take that out on the child. It isn't his fault he was born handicaped...and even if it was...he still has worth and should be treated with love.
We must all live with the consequences of our choices and make the best of it. The idea here is to learn the lesson so the mistake is not repeated. God bless the child.
Reviewed by Stephanie Murray
5/29/2008
She has made her bed, now she must lie in it. She has to make the best of her situation and love that little boy- no matter what. I am glad you brought to light the dangers of drinking- while pregnant. It's something a pregnant woman should never do.
How devastating and searingly real is this write, Karen... your most dramatic yet, perhaps. It rips the guts out. Your "Mother" here has to live with this sense of guilt every day for the rest of her life... what a punishing sentence she gives herself. And how unrelenting as she seeks to make up for her mistakes in the care of her child - but feeling like she's failing at that too. It must be a living hell. And, as for the child Joey... please God that he doesn't also pick up a sense of motherly rejection on top of everything else. What a nightmare! Candid and telling it like it is, this is agonising stuff. But it certainly makes me think about how situations compound and exacerbate each other. And people can only take so much. Perhaps Joey will never be said to be "normal" because of his disabilities, but he will always be special. And there could be a very deep bond of shared understanding and sympathy that might exist between this mother and her son: they need to make things better for each other. Thank you for bringing us this heart-rending situation and for having the courage not to shirk such realism. Bless you, Kate xx
Karen:
This is a sad fact to far to many children, thank you for using this story to illustrate that, but the Lord gives us children for a reason, they are our gifts from him
God Bless
Michelle~
This is a sad commentary. It is unfortunate that the child had to pay the price for the parent's sins, but things can be overcome. You can't look back, just take one day at a time.
Such a sad story of emotions and reality my friend. I wish more parents that lead an unhealthy and unstable lifestyle could read this story before choosing to have children. Maybe they would think again, even use precautions because it seems that so many people today conceive children without any given thought or even a desire for a child! In our classrooms today we are seeing more and more children whom reap what their parents have sewn! It's not fair to the children...and for the teacher in the story, shame on them! However, this all too true in our world today, teachers that do not want like their job, but are there to collect a pay check! I believe that every child deserves equal attention and that every child should be treated as an individual giving them the attention that they deserve for their own benefit and for the best possible education! A touching write filled with reality of today...well done my Texan friend!
Blessings from Ky.
Joyce B.
Babies are born disabled for other reasons, other than a mother's use of alcohol, drugs or tobacco products. They don't help, certainly, and often times, cause difficulties in pregnancy and disablilities. There are no do - overs, as you aptly point out in heartbroken lines - well done -
Yes, you could have asked your doctor what were the does and the don't on pregnancy; a after the fact mea-culpa wouldn't do.
Probably you will feel for the rest of your life responsible for the child disability, but common sense should had warned you before.
Now, all the efforts should go to the child and not to self pity.
Sorry if I am harsh, but you said that someone should had told you.
What a dilema to be in. Tragic, if only we can go back and have do overs...but we can't all we can do is take what life gave us and manage to do the best we can with it. Love that special child for he is a gift. Love, Bonnie
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