Here we go again.
Seems that as soon as she gets out of the hospital, something happens, and Kaysa ends up back there. Such as the case this time.
Today finds me in the waiting room, where I wait for yet another doctor to tell me what's going on with my little daughter.
Kaysa had trouble breathing last night, much more than usual. At midnight, I was awakened by the terrifying sounds of her oxygen machine going off and her gasping for air. When I came running into her room, I was startled to find her face blue and covered in sweat. She was really struggling, and it scared me to death!
Needless to say, I called for the ambulance. It came within moments. We're at the hospital, getting treated, and here I sit. Waiting.
I know my mother is going to wonder where I am; I know my other kids will, too. They will wake up, only to find me gone. I have left them a hurridly-scribbled note, telling them that Kaysa has fallen sick again, that we are at the hospital, and as soon as I find out anything, I will call them, keep them informed of the latest news.
I try to be a good enough mama to my kids, but I feel I am failing, especially in Kaysa's case. Kaysa doesn't deserve all this heartbreak in her life; she is just a little girl who should be running around, laughing, playing!
It doesn't seem fair that she has to suffer so much. I feel it's my fault somehow. This is when I wish Kaysa hadn't been born.
Her having this disease means she was born, only to die. It's not right!
On the other hand, however, I love Kaysa with all my heart. Always have, always will. When she's feeling good, Kaysa has such a sweet, quiet spirit about her; she isn't noisy like most preschoolers. She is happiest playing with her dollies or looking at her picture books, or being with us, her family. She is such an angel; God's blessed me in bringing her into my life!
I often feel a whole conglomorate of emotions when it comes to Kaysa. I feel jealousy (when I see other kids her age playing or laughing), joy (whenever Kaysa has a good report from her doctors or manages to stay out of the hospital), sadness (when she is ill, like now), fear (when she has a crisis that threatens her life), and confusion (trying to figure out those damned medical terms those pompous doctors use)!
I guess all people feel these things from time to time; in my instance, however, it's multiplied by a thousand times, because I am the mother of a child who is sick.
I am always worrying about her; there isn't a time in my life when I don't think of Kaysa or how she is faring. My sensors are always on heightened alert, and the stress (not to mention the bills) is astronomical!
Whoops! The doctor finally wants to talk to me, so I will go. I will let you know what he says; hopefully the crisis has passed and Kaysa is going to be okay. Lord, I hope so; I don't think I can take too much more of this!! I am getting way past the breaking point!
Take care, and God bless! Just say a prayer for me, as well as a special one for Kaysa; we can really use them!!
~Love, Kaylee :(
