Saturday, August 9, 2008, 1:40 a.m., Anchorage, Alaska~

Dear Journal~

Hey. It's just li'l ol' me, Jenna Aurora.  Sorry if I haven't written; been extremely busy.  Hope you understand.

I'm afraid I'm not in the best of moods.  See, I fell yesterday; am very sore, depressed.  I was in my wheelchair, cooking dinner in my awkward way, when I got dizzy, and pitched forward.  I guess I fainted, I don't know: one minute, I was in my chair, cooking; the next, I was on the floor, Michael bending over me, a worried expression on his face.

I don't know if I had a seizure, had a drop in blood pressure, or what, but something happened.  Now Michael is watching over me like a mother hen; he won't barely let me lift a finger. 

He doesn't know I'm up on the computer, writing this; but I had to get my feelings out, so here I am.

The kids are fine:  Kenai is crawling everywhere, and big brother Mattaq is often in hot pursuit.  We've had to babyproof the house or else they'd wreck everything in sight.  They're busy, happy, adventurous, growing boys.  That's what babies do best:  make messes, explore.  I'm not going to deny them that chance.

I am feeling okay, just very sore, very depressed.  It seems that I get ahead in life, and something happens to set me back several notches.  I don't know why I have to go through so much; it's like God's mad at me or something.  I'm sorry if I haven't read the Word enough, prayed enough, gone to church as much as I should; however, I'm a busy mother trying to make a dent in the world.

I guess this is His way of telling me to get with the program.  Or maybe it's the devil himself, trying to do everything he possibly can to derail me from my Christian walk.

I know I can't help the way I am, but damn it, I hate having to depend on others to do things I can't, and I hate having one good working hand.  It takes so long for me to do things, and I oftentimes get frustrated.  I want to scream, but being deaf, that's impossible; so I scream with my hands.  I am very good at getting my point/emotions across with my signs.  People don't have to second-guess me when I sign to them; they can read me like an open book.

I hate having to fight so hard with my body.  Every day I find my body betraying me, and it's wearing me down.  I wonder if I have something else on top of all the other shit I already do.  I wouldn't be surprised, the way things have been going lately.

This is the second time I've fallen in as many weeks.  This time was worse.  I'm just grateful I didn't have one of the boys in my arms when I fell; it makes me shudder to think what could have happened. 

I could have been badly injured; it was only by God's grace that I wasn't.

Well, I am going to lie down; getting lightheaded again.  I just wonder what's going on with me.  I'm scared....

Say prayers for me; I can use all the prayers I can get!  Thank you in advance!

~Love, your friend in Anchorage, Jenna. :( >tears!<