Monday, August 12, 2008, Barrow, Alaska, 7:42 a.m.~

Dear Journal~

Sikik Grace here.  Sorry if I haven't written since May, but my worsening health won't allow it.  I hope you can understand, forgive me.

I'm to the point to where I need an electric wheelchair to get around.  No more crutches, no more cane; I'm just too weakened.  It doesn't take much for me to get tired, worn out.  I have one of my sisters staying with me; she does my housework for me, cooks, generally takes care of me.

Doctors think my MS is the fatal kind.  I'll probably be dead within a few months to a year or two at the most.  It's really discouraging to find out that I am dying; I am too young to think about something as big as dying!!  I'm not even fifty years old yet; I should have my whole life ahead of me!!

My family has rallied around me; they've been wonderful in helping me through the days.  I am now living in a place for people with disabilities; it's not bad, but it's not the greatest either.  Too much drinking, drugs going on; every night I hear people fighting, see the police at the complex.  Really exciting!

NOT!

I haven't told my Internet friends about me dying; I think it would crush their spirit.  I know it would Louisiana; she's been so kind, so supportive towards me; I think the news would kill her!  I am trying to be positive about my demise, but it's hard to find anything to be happy about when all I can think about is my inevitable death!

I am trying to work up the courage to do so; it's just going to take some time.

I am trying to read the Bible that one of my brothers gave to me; it's too confusing.  This Jesus, He still confuses me, as does the entire Bible.  I am not ready to give up on my Native beliefs; they've been nothing but a comfort to me.  It's how I was raised, how I still believe, all these years later.

I hope people don't think I'm rude in not responding to their wonderful letters; however, as I said earlier, I've gotten weaker, and doing simple things can wear me out.  I spend more time in bed, more time by myself, and I spend more time feeling sorry for myself.  I know I shouldn't, but at times I can't help it.

The weather here is coolish; nothing new.  I find myself enjoying the weather more and more, discovering more beauty around me, thanking the Mother Spirit for Her goodness to me, providing such beautiful weather, creatures, landscapes.  The auroras have been dancing her magic in the skies at night; soon I will be among them, dancing my own special dance, reunited with Mother, Father, Grandfather, Grandmother.  It will be so good to see them again, and I will be healthy, whole!

That I can handle; it's saying goodbye to family, friends that's proving to be the hardest.  I have tried and tried to write letters explaining about my situation, but they never get finished; I still have a pile of unfinished letters sitting on the table, waiting to get completed.  I just don't have the energy--or the time--to do it; maybe I should get one of my sisters to do it for me.  I'm just too depressed, too weakened, to do it on my own.

I don't know when I will write in here again; hopefully I'll still be around by Christmas.  I will write again, I just don't know when the next time will be.  I will try to keep friends informed; that way, they can relay the information to those who want to know about how I'm doing.  Until later, this is Sikik signing off.  Take care and may the Great Spirits bless you!

~Sikik Grace Eegeesiak. :( ~Tears!~