Weds., Oct. 29, 2008, Anchorage, Alaska, 1:02 a.m.~

Dear Journal~

Mattaq Eegeesiak here.  Sorry if I haven't been writing; things have been bad, very bad.

No, Sikik has not died (she is still alive, thank goodness); however, the change in her health is startling.  From an active young woman in her forties, she now resembles someone much older; the deterioation in her health is most troublesome, and it breaks my spirit.

Sikik is now totally helpless, unable to do even the simplest tasks, even as much as holding up her head.  She sits there in her wheelchair, shaking like a palsied old woman.  She looks folded in upon herself, and when I try to look into her eyes, I see  nothing but emptiness.  It's enough to make a grown man cry.

I don't know if it's because her MS has worsened or if the drugs they've given her are too strong; something is going on with Sikik, and I don't like it.  I am angry at myself for subjecting her to this torture; I should have never agreed to have her put into a home!  She would have been better off with me; if not me, then at least one of our other brothers or sisters!!

Seems all I have done lately is cry.  Ever since this downturn in her health, I worry constantly about my sister, wondering when, and if, she is going to die; if she is strong enough to live another day.  I try to be there for her, be strong; however, a guy can only take so much heartache himself.  I have alerted friends about Sikik's deterioating health; I tell them it may not be long now.

If she makes it to Thanksgiving (or even Christmas), I will be truly amazed.

I see Sikik on the days where I don't work; try to be there with her.  When I do go see her, I stay all day; tell her how life's going on, how much I love her, tell her about the latest news.  I tell her about the politics (she's always been interested in that), talk about the ongoing war in Iraq, the shaky economy.  I know it may be detrimental to her health, but I take a chance; she has to be informed, has to know what's going on.

I talk about our lives, meaning myself and her siblings, and how my job is faring.  I talk about her friends, what's new with them, as I find out more information.  This way, she's aware, even though she, herself, can't communicate effectively.

Somehow, somewhere, that certain sparkle in her dark eyes tells me that she's still with us, aware of what's going on.  That gives me a sense of hope.

I just wish she could do more for herself instead of spending her days sitting in her wheelchair, hunched over like a dying old woman, shaking uncontrollably. 

I am going to have to talk to her doctor, see if he can do anything to stop the palsied shaking movements, or at least get her a wheelchair that supports her when up; her being bent over like this can't possibly be good for her spine!

Well, I've managed to make myself cry again, so I will go now; can't see for all the tears falling from my eyes!  Just continue to keep those prayers coming for Sikik as well as myself; we could use a miracle!

Thanks, and may the Great Spirit bless you!

~Mattaq. :( >tears!<