How to identify aliens.

You decided to make business with somebody, but when in her office, you heard a secretary speaks about her as about alien. Should you act from now on this suspicion or should you learn for sure whether she is an alien?

We'll show here some simple steps to identify any alien.

Whenever the answer is positive - you identified the alien and don't continue the reading.

We begin by looking at the subject of our examination.

Has she more then 2 hands? (check that it's not the case of Siamese twins). If there are 3 or more you have found an alien.

Are both hands left? (or right)? If they are, just don't comment.

Has she more then 2 legs? If she has, then don't try to run away - she will sure catch you.

Is there anything hanging between the legs (Ask if she wasn't he before now)?

Has she any extra head?

What about eyes? Are there two and only two? And are they on both sides of the nose? Is there a nose at all?

Can you see the mouth (only one. If you can't, shave the beard)?

Some more subtle visual examination:

Has she a big S on her front? Or maybe she has a mask?

Did you check if ears are pointed up or they fall like dog's?

Now you can make some physical checks:

Try to touch her a bit under shoulders. She didn't slap you? It's strange. They say that even aliens don't like when you touch their tits.

Try to tear her arm. Did you succeed? If yes, please return it to her. It's impolite to take it away.

Try to speak with her. Does she answer? Maybe she is dumb. Or just lazy to answer. Or alien. Either way it's difficult to make business with her.

Now try once more but English please. Did she answer? No? Then she doesn't understand English and is Chinese, Indian, Arab, Scots, Aussie with bad accent. Anyway, you can't make business and for you she is alien.

Now things go easier.

Is she ugly? (all human are beautiful, didn't you know?)

Is she too beautiful? (well, I am not sure that this means that she is alien, but I am sure that it will be difficult for you to make business if you'll be distracted all the time).

And here we come to be sure, that the person that you examine isn't alien and you can do business with her.

The only question left open for now is weather you know to do business.