It may be December, with its Christmas celebration, lights, and festive atmosphere; however, I feel more like the middle of Febuary:  no joy whatsoever in my heart.

I just can't seem to get into the spirit of Christmas or what it means.  I feel more like Scrooge or perhaps the Grinch.  People say "Merry Christmas" to me; I tell them to go to you-know-where.  I have my own problems; I don't need people to be condescending towards me.

Twice my daughters Renate and Ellen asked me when I was going to put the Christmas tree up.  I told them where they could stick that Christmas tree, in no uncertain terms.  When one has a child who is chronically sick, you can't really find time to enjoy the Christmas season, let alone, anything.

I haven't had time to get the place ready for Christmas, and forget Christmas shopping.  The bills are eating us alive, and Nicholas continues to drive me crazy with his demands or his frequent sicknesses. 

I'm ready to have him committed to an institution; I am finding it harder and harder to deal with his Canavan disease adn all that goes along with it:  the tube feedings, the deteriation of his physical/mental/cognitive abilities, the diaper changes, the medications, the illnesses or hospital stays. 

It may be Christmas, but it's more of a bah-humbug for me.  How can I take a child to see Santa Claus when he can't even talk, tell Santa what he wants for Christmas?  How can he enjoy the Christmas lights when he can't even see them??  How can he sing along with the Christmas carols when he doesn't even have a voice to sing along with?

My son makes Tiny Tim, the tragic figure in Dickens' immortal tale, "A Christmas Carol", look like a normal kid, and there's nothing normal about Tiny Tim!

I am feeling more like the Grinch; I don't want to have anything to do with Christmas.  If there is anything I want for Christmas, it's for my youngest child to get out of his wheelchair and walk, or even say "I love you, Mama"!  What harm does it do in asking something like this for my son??

I don't think it's fair that he has to suffer so much in his life.  He's only four, going on five; yet we can't enjoy life like a normal family because of his special needs.  What I wouldn't give to have a son that was normal!!

~To be continued~