Weds., January 14, 2009, Titusville, Georgia, 8:24 a.m., E.S.T.~

Dear Louisiana Sandusky~

Thank you for your letter of the other day; it was much appreciated!  It was full of love, comfort, and compassion. 

I wish I could say I have moved on since my baby boy, Shawn, died of anencephaly, but the truth of the matter is, I haven't.  I still see his misshapen head in my dreams or whenever I close my eyes, and the tears threaten to spell once again. 

He was a beautiful child; those eyes of his were absolutely amazing!  And what little hair he had on his head was fire-engine red; he had his daddy's hair.  I guess I should learn to focus on that; however, once you see your child's head, with part of the brain, skull exposed, you never get over it.  It was beyond horrific!

If it were not for organizations like Compassionate Friends or the Anencephaly Support Foundation, I would have gone off the deep end long ago.  I busy myself in trying to help others going through this same thing, even though inside, I remain broken, devastated.

And your letter certainly helps.  You stated you have taken care of children with this condition.  You are so right:  once you see a child with it, you never forget it.  How did you cope with what you saw?  How did you manage to go on?

That's part of the problem I'm having now.  I am trying to move on, but the truth is, I can't!  It's because of those damned dreams I keep having!  I feel what Shawn had was my fault; I should have taken better care of myself when I was carrying him!  I wish I could have done something different so this didn't have to happen!

My dear husband has tried to be supportive, and so have friends.  I appreciate it, but whenever I walk into that empty nursery, see the crib, the baby furniture, and the fluffy toys, I break down into tears, and it's like I'm grieving all over again.  It's getting to the point to where I am seriously thinking of putting a deadbolt on the door, so I won't have to go in!

I appreciate the fact that you are going to send me your books, but you don't have to do that.  I have plenty of enough books to read.  LOL

My husband, he says I am a regular bookworm!  LOL

I would love to try to get pregnant again.  I'd give anything to have a child of my own; however, I'm scared if I do get pregnant, the same thing will happen to my next child.  What's to say I won't have another anencephalic child??

Having one anencephalic child was horrific enough; I don't think I could go through the trauma again!

My husband wants to try to have another child.  As for me, I'm not so sure.  It's because of what  I went through with Shawn; our love life has truly suffered.  We are going to try to see a marriage counselor, to see if he could give us any suggestions.  We are also going to talk to a pastor at a church near where we live about this.

Your family sounds wonderful.  You seem like a very compassionate, caring person; we need that in our world today.  I can't wait to see the pictures of your family, but I can't imagine parenting over 60 children!  That's beyond insane!  LOL  What WERE you thinking??  LOL

Well, Louisiana, I've written on long enough, adn the tears are fixin' to start again.  Just ran across a lock of Shawn's hair, and I'm tearing up; it's getting hard to see what I'm doing here.  I will write again, and I can't wait to hear from you, let alone, receive the books you are sending!  Until then, take care, and thanks in advance!

Sincerely, Gayle Richardson.  :(