It was a hellish day and London steamed miserably in temperatures well into the nineties. The breeze we had been promised had already left town in disgust and it was hotter than hades in our tiny department ,which was already packed to the rafters with the sick and the accidental.
I’d been working flat out for seven hours of my eight hour shift when Daisy Flowers presented herself. She was like a breath of fresh air with her beaming smile and matter of fact cheeriness. She deposited half a dozen carrier bags on the floor by the chair and plopped herself down with an exaggerated sigh.
‘Ooh that’s better’ she said ‘feet are killing me’ and with that she kicked off her shoes and wiggled her elegant painted toes across the cold tiled floor, giggling with delight. She leaned towards me and whispered ‘If I thought I could get away with it’ she said ‘I’d strip stark naked and roll over and over on these lovely cool tiles'. And then she winked at me.
I couldn’t help but warm to her, her good humour was infectious, I hoped nothing else about her was....I pulled the required paperwork towards me and began to take details from her. Name? Address? Date of birth? That sort of thing and she
answered me straight away, not a sign of hesitation anywhere. She even knew the telephone number of her GP off by heart. I liked this woman, who was making my job very easy indeed.
‘So Miss Flowers’ I said trying my hardest to look sympathetic, whilst the noise from my empty stomach growled menacingly louder and louder ‘What seems to be the problem?’
‘Its my arm’ she said ‘Something bit me’
She nodded in the direction of her left arm which hung limply at her side. ‘I can’t bend it.’ she added
‘You say something bit you? What do you mean? Something like... ?’
‘Well I’m not sure’ she said slowly ‘not at all sure what it was . I didn’t actually see it. I felt it bite me though. Very definitely bit me’
‘So this something that bit you wasn’t an animal then’ I asked ‘like a dog or something?’
‘Oh no’ she replied earnestly ‘I don’t think so. I think I would have noticed a dog’
I stifled a giggle as I tried to gauge the extent of the damage without actually touching the offending limb . I didn’t want to cause unnecessary pain to such a dear old lady.
‘You say you can’t bend it?’ I gazed at the area of her cardigan where her elbow should be. It did look rather swollen. ‘Did that happen as soon as you felt the bite?’ I asked her
‘I think so dear’ she said ‘although I can’t be positive’
‘Okay then’ I said, standing ‘I think we’d better take a little look at you. Can you take off your cardigan for me please?’
‘I’m sorry dear’ she said moments later, having struggled in vain to bend her arm sufficiently to allow it to come free. ‘It won’t come off.’
‘Well Miss Flowers I need to have a look at your arm and if we can’t get it off then I’m afraid I’ll have to cut it off’ I told her,as I too struggled with the cardigan which still refused to budge along her arm.
‘Cut it off?’ She gasped, her face pale with horror
‘Your cardigan Miss Flowers’ I told her ‘not your arm’
‘Silly me’ she laughed, the colour returning to her cheeks ‘You had me worried for a while there I can tell you’
‘So I think the cardi will have to go’ I told her ‘Is that okay?’
‘Oh yes dear’ she replied ‘Its only an old one anyway’
I doubted very much that was true as the cardigan appeared in fine condition and I winced slightly as I cut into the wool with the scissors. As the fabric began to fall away from her wrist and up towards her elbow she beamed at me and said ‘Why, that feels better already’
As I reached the elbow the cause of Miss Daisy Flowers’ discomfort became apparent, as onto the table fell two rather large and somewhat soggy tissues and a crumpled chocolate wrapper along with the root of the problem, a rather squashed
and very deceased mosquito ,which had rather foolishly decided to dine on the flesh of Miss Flowers’ elbow.
I looked down at the table and then at Miss Flowers who blinked a couple of times before saying ‘oh dear’
‘Well that appears to be the root of your problem’ I said, pointing at the dead insect ‘but I am sorry about your cardigan’
‘I thought it was swollen from what bit me’ she said ‘ I forgot about those’ She nodded at the tissues and chocolate wrapper that represented her mysterious ‘swelling’ .
‘There wasn’t a bin and I didn’t have any pockets’ she explained ‘And I do so hate litter’
The Wholly Book of Doo-Doo-Rot-on-Me is adult satirical humor featuring adult language and adult content, and the work is a parody of the Old Testament Book of Deuteronomy.
A naïve councilman and a down-on-her-luck single mom try to save their county’s last stand of forest from greedy developers and a dysfunctional government.
