Tuesday, Feb. 3, 2009, Barrow, Alaska, 7:30 a.m., A.T.~

Dear Journal~

I hope you forgive me for not writing in here for the past several months; I just haven't had the energy to do so.  I am still torn up about my sister, Sikik's, death; no matter where I turn, where I look, I still see reminders of her, and it breaks my heart.

I hope you understand.  Sikik was my world, my life, my everything.  Ever since her health took bad last fall, it's been up to me to make sure she got the care she needed; I will be paying on her medical bills for months to come.

My sisters and brothers did help somewhat; however, I was the one who spent the most time with her.  To see her once-vibrant body becoming a shell of its former self was devastating; I wouldn't wish this on anybody!

I think of my sister, now dancing freely among Aurora's magic, and tears prick at my eyes.  She is no longer suffering the pain, the disability, the indignity of her illnesses; she really went through hell these last several months before she (mercifully?) died.

I thank God I have my brothers and sisters to help take some of the sadness away; however, I will never get over my sister's death for a very long time to come.  She wasn't even fifty when she died; she was far, far too young!  It doesn't seem fair that a once-vibrant woman could be reduced to nothing but a helpless lump in a matter of months!

I don't know what I would do without my sisters and brothers.  I probably would have fed myself to the nanuq (polar bear) long ago.  Sikik's death really hit us hard, especially me, since I was the one who was with her most of the time during her final months on this earth.  It really devastated me, more than what most people may realize.

I sometimes think I see, hear, smell Sikik; then I look around, and then I realize that it was just all in my head:  she is gone; she is never coming back; she's now on the other side of the spirit realm, dancing, laughing, talking with our ancestors, revisiting Mother, Father, and all those who have gone on before her.  It is, I assume, a most joyous family reunion.

Meanwhile, we, her brothers and sisters, are left here on this earth, wondering why she had to go the way she did, and if there was anything we could have done to prevent her from dying.

Well, I am crying again; damnit, I hate it when this happens!  Seems that I hardly ever stop!  I will go now; I can hardly see for all the tears coming from my eyes.  Please keep us, the Eegeesiak family, in your prayers/thoughts; we could really use some support here!

Thank you for listening!

May the Great Spirit bless you always!

~Mattaq Q. Eegeesiak.  :( >tears!<