Bob and Nancy have been married 11 years. Most of the time they get along and enjoy each other. But every now and then they spiral into arguments. Most of their issues come from projecting unresolved problems from their past.

Nancy has rejection and abandonment issues. She lived with relatives and in boarding schools as a child. Her parents were supportive of her two younger sibling but saw her as the black sheep of the family. Until Nancy met Bob she sabotaged her relationships because she expected to be rejected.

Bob, however, knew that behind the fear was an intelligent, kind, caring person and refused to leave. Bob helped Nancy to see how she projected her past failed relationships onto him. Thanks to his love and belief in her she came to trust him.

Bob’s issue is control. His alcoholic father died in his early 50s. With four siblings his mother struggled to make ends meet.

Bob appreciated the discipline and order in the air force after he graduated from high school. To avoid repeating his childhood turbulence he began controlling his relationships. He told people where to step in the woods, how to do the dishes and what to think and feel.

Fearing abandonment Nancy at first allowed him to take charge. As Nancy began to feel more secure she became angry when he yelled, “Nancy, speak softer you’re being too loud” or injected “let him talk” when she spoke with male friends. Their friends and Nancy were mystified as Bob usually spoke louder than Nancy and talked more.

Enraged Nancy asked Bob to stop interrupting her.

Bob minimized Nancy’s feelings, became defensive and continued his rudeness.

Nancy was stunned as Bob admits being a poor listener. He loves to tell people his stories but is uncomfortable asking about theirs. Nancy is just the opposite she loves learning more about others and asks many questions.

A few months later John, Nancy’s father, discovered he had lung cancer. After a stroke shortly thereafter Bob and Nancy went to stay with Betsy, Nancy’s mother to help them.

Bob took John to the oncologist when Nancy was ill. They were devastated to learn that John’s cancer was inoperable and that he had three months to live.

When Jill and Stephen, Nancy’s sister and brother, called to ask about John’s visit with the doctor Bob spoke for 20 minutes about Betsy’s dementia. When Nancy broke in and told Bob, “Tell Stephen and Jill what John’s doctor said,” Bob snapped, “I’ll get to it when you stop talking!”

Tears welled up in Nancy’s eyes. Frustrated Nancy once again pleaded with Bob to stop controlling her. Again Bob defended, denied and minimized his behavior.

Thanks to Nancy’s perseverance and a long talk Bob was finally able to see how he was hurting Nancy and agreed to stop. He asked Nancy to let him know immediately when he is disrespectful. Nancy realized she too had to work on not allowing Bob to dominate her and made a commitment to be more assertive.

Nancy jokingly told Bob she was making a piggy bank called, “Bob’s Control Bank.” He must place $10 in the bank every time he interrupts Nancy. So far the bank is empty.

An Update:

Bob said this article helped him better understand the interplay of his projection and control and Nancy’s fear of rejection and abandonment.