Tuesday, March 17, 2009~

Dear Mom~

This is your youngest daugher, Karen Lynn, writing.  I just wanted to write to you to let you know I still remember you and haven't forgotten about you, even after all these years.

Nineteen years.  It doesn't seem possible, but it is.  You were only fifty nine when you died.  Too, too young; you didn't deserve to die like that; yet it was your time; you were more than ready to go.  I understand that, but at the time, I didn't.  I didn't think it was fair, and I was very angry for a very long time.

I now realize you were sicker than we kids realized, and that damned diabetes was eating you alive, even though it really didn't show up on the surface.  You were tired of hurting or having to take all those shots or watching what you ate; I'm sure you wanted to eat whatever you could and wanted to throw all those insulin needles away, so you didn't have to take shots.  Yet you followed your doctor's orders, which was what you should have done, and I think this is one reason why many people didn't realize you were so sick.

When you died, it hit me very hard.  I was angry, bitter, confused, even jealous.  I wanted to join you; I even wanted to kill myself, but now know that wasn't what God would have wanted (plus I was scared of hurting those who loved me most); in addition, I was too chicken-hearted to try it (suicide), so I never followed through.  God had His hand on me, even during that sad, scary, dark time in my life.

Now I am still here, and I am very glad I am!  I can remember the good (and not-so-good) times with fondness, and know that you are no longer sick or suffering.  You are in a much better place, and I am sure you are much happier there.  I can talk about you without falling apart (though there are days where I cry as I remember), and know that you live on in me.  I am a part of you, and that will never change!

I have inherited your love for pretty things, your eyes, your short stature (I am even shorter than you; never did make five foot; if I did, I was lucky!  LOL), your sensitivity (I am extremely tender-hearted), your gift for singing (I always thought you sang like an angel although you thought otherwise), and your love for reading (I always have my nose in a book, it seems)! 

So you live on in me, and for that I am glad, very much so!

I no longer work:  can't.  Disabled.  I have degenerative arthritis that causes me to walk with twin forearm crutches, and I also have high blood pressure, anemia, and now have a colostomy (had a tumor that pinched off part of my colon, and had to have three surgeries); that was a little over two years ago. 

I am doing a lot better, but I will no longer be able to work, and I miss it.  I don't do much now except go to the library, out to eat once in a while if we have a little extra money, go to church every week, and visit friends.  Oh, and play on the computer; seems I'm always on that darned computer!

Mom, I wish I could tell you how much I love you or miss you.  I wish I could give you a hug or kiss; that's probably what hurts the most, knowing you're no longer here.  Yet you live on in me, and now daddy's come to join you; you two are together again. 

I bet it's a wonderful reunion up there:  seeing your husband, parents, your brothers, your relatives, daddy, his relatives, who have gone on before you (or after).  I bet there's a party to end all parties going on up there; what a joyous time you must all be having!

Well, mom, I am going to go now.  Get some breakfast, then do my Bible homework/prayer time.  I will write to you again; I just wanted to write to you to let you know I love you with all my heart and soul, and know that I haven't forgotten you, even after all these years.  I can't forget; you were my mom, and you will always be my mom!  I love you, mom, and I hope to see you again one day!  I miss you!

(((HUGS))) and much love, your youngest daughter, Karen Lynn. :(  X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0