-Of course. If that is what makes you comfortable.
-Thanks.
-So...
-Sorry, Doctor?
-So, tell me about your problem.
-I don't know. I feel so uneasy to talk about it.
-If you won't tell me, how can I help you?
-Yes, I understand. But ... hmmm ... Well, here it is: I do not have any girlfriend. I cannot talk with anybody who is not a man. I am so afraid to do it, that every time I begin to talk, I feel my throat gets so narrow, that my voice stops in it as at barricade. It makes me crazy. I am thirty four and haven't had any girlfriends until now. Please find what is wrong with me. Please.
-James, calm down. Either you do not want to speak or you open an uncontrollable words flow. Let us begin from the childhood ... You are three years old …
.
(Three months later.)
-James? Is this you once more? Is there anything new today?
-Doc, I cannot do it. I did everything as you said, but, at the last moment, I felt my legs were not strong enough, and I slid to the floor. The girl laughed and went away. Let us find some other problem from my childhood. Maybe this time it will go better.
-But James, the last time we already reached your age of twenty. There is nowhere else to return to your childhood. Though it is more full of holes than the Swiss cheese and has a darker past than Alcatraz, we checked everything. I don't know what else to do.
-Doctor, the last time you said that if it doesn't succeed this time, you'll know what happens with me.
-Yes, James. I hoped that it wouldn't come to this, but it seems that you are a total loser.
-What do you mean?
-Oh, James. Sorry. There is one thing only that you can try.
-Yes, Doctor. Anything.
-James, you should…
.
(The next week)
-James! I see a smile? Tell me! Tell me!
-Well, Doc. I did everything as you've told. And this time it worked wonderfully.
-Sit down and tell me everything in detail.
-Well, the girl, her name is Jenny, is exactly what I looked for. Beautiful, good figured, blonde with blue eyes. And something that I thought at first as negative developed to be very positive.
-What is it?
-She cannot talk. It's simply perfect. We have no arguments. She agrees with me all the time. It's so good! And I have to thank you for all this.
-Well, You've have a part in this success too. I am so glad to hear that everything is going well.
.
(Two weeks later)
-James? What happened? Did you weep?
-Doctor, please! Help me! I feel so awful.
-What happened? Speak, man! Stop sobbing and speak out!
-Everything went so good. I began to like Jenny, and I believed she wants me too. I told her that I would like to have a child with her. She just smiled. I thought to propose to her yesterday. But when I came home from the work... Oh I cannot tell it! It hurts so much!
-James! What happened?
-Jenny left me a note where she told me that she felt the connection ties too quickly for her liking. She doesn't want any baby. Not now and not ever. And she ran away with my friend. Why should she write it? She met him just once, and she ran away with him? The Betrayer! Just saw him once and that's it? Doctor, what should I do?
-James, it's the last time you come to me. I cannot help you anymore.
-But why?
-I thought that you are just a total loser, who couldn't connect with any girl. But I was mistaken. You are an absolute loser.
-Why?
-Because only an absolute loser can be betrayed by his surrogate rubber girlfriend!
For a moment I thought that the girl was healed by the shrink James was seeing, I was so wrong! but that punch line just floored me!
Great story, great laughs!
The Wholly Book of Doo-Doo-Rot-on-Me is adult satirical humor featuring adult language and adult content, and the work is a parody of the Old Testament Book of Deuteronomy.
