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Jack Kuperman

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Queue 101
by Jack Kuperman
Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Rated "G" by the Author.

       
Recent stories by Jack Kuperman
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           >> View all 129


     960 words. - learning about queues.

 


Ingredients:

2 to 200 people. Preferable of different height. Possible of different breadth. Deepness is not important.

2-200 feelings and moods: phlegmatic, tired, angry, and sleepy. Or just open the vocabulary and look for any feeling, then mood, then mental illness.

Preparation:

Mix well. Shake, so that some will step on others' feet. Scent with at least two dozens of perfumes, smells and stinks.

Then pour the mixture out into the street.

The way of pouring depends on geography.

In the South, just pour them in any way possible.



In the North, after your pour them out, you have to take the ruler and organize the queue along it.


Serving:

You can serve in portions of up to 10 near each door of the office building.

Alternatively, you can serve in one lump in the case of closed doors on sales day.




Examples of queues:

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Are you are the last?

-Yes.

-Are you here for long?

-Two hours.

-Not bad.

-Yes. I Agree.

-Something interesting in the newspaper?

-Yes. They say that yesterday there was a huge queue near the entrance to Main Park. At least 2000 people. They stood in the queue for two hours untill the first man in the line closed his newspaper and went home. The queue dispersed in half an hour after that. Funny people. They stay in the queue for hours and do not ask why they stay.

By the way, do you know what this queue is for?



--------------------------------------------

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Are you are the last?

-And if so, then what?

-No. No. Nothing. I just wanted to know who I am after.

-Not who but what. What you are after.

-Yes, and that too. What it is there?

-Where?

-In the beginning of the queue?

-Which beginning?

-What do you mean?

-Don't you see, there are already people behind you?

-So?

-Well, that is the beginning of the queue.

-I don't understand.

-What don't you understand?

-Has the queue the beginning or not?

-Why should it?

-What?

-Why should it?

-Yeh, I heard you the first time. But what do you mean?

-I mean, why should it?

-OK, ok. Let's put it this way. Why do you ask, why the queue should or shouldn't have the beginning? (Phew, what a tiresome question.)

-Because not all queues have the beginning.

-For example?

-This one.

-Oh, it's impossible with you. Why this queue has no beginning?

-Doesn't need it.

-Good. We advance. Why this one doesn't need it?

-Why should it?

-OK. I understand. (Calm, breath slowly - in, out, in, out, out, sorry I mean in. Good. I'm good and calm.) Why this queue hasn't the beginning? Why is it different?

-In a queue you buy something or enter into something.

-And here?

-Nothing at all.

-What d'u mean, man? (Keep your hands tight near the body, and try not to think of the pleasure of strangling this sod.)

-Why, you don't need them in a queue emulator.

-WHAT?

-Why do you shout? Oh, you are so red. And now purple. What is the matter, lad?

-Did you say a queue emulator?

-Yes, of course, 'couse this is what it is.

-(Oh dear! Help me please!) Why to do a queue emulator?

-How else you could learn to stay in a queue?

-Why stay in a queue? There are no queues in our days.

-Just in case. If the need will come. We like to be prepared. And you didn't go to football lately and didn't see queues there.

-Ah, yes. May be. So, what do you learn here?

-Well, how to speak politely, how to be helpful to others.

-Like to me? (Oh yeh.)

-Yes. You've got it.

-What else?

-How to stay in a straight line.

-But if the queue has no beginning, it means that it is circular. It is not a straight line.

-Isn't it? Well, they didn't tell us. We thought it is a straight line.

-And who are those people on horses?

-They look after the queue. They are our teachers.

-What else do you study here?

-Well, the last lesson, it was how in no time at all, in the moments of opening doors, to change your position from the place in a queue to the place near the door.
Ah, here they do the same exercise again. Beware lad. AAAAAHHH, the door. I'm the first! Don't push, you f*** d**head! Open your eyes! The door!

-But what are you rushing to?

-The beer!



----------------------------------------------------

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Are you are the last?

-Yes

-What do they sell?

-Don't know.

-When they open?

-Don't know.

-OK. Suits me.



------------------------------------------

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Tell me please, why there are two queues here?

-The other one is for queue jumpers.

-So, that's why it is longer.



------------------------------------------

-Can you make the way? I want to enter.

-What? Don't you see there is a queue?

-But I want just to leak.

-Everybody wants to leak.

-Do you wait for long?

-Not so much.

-Will it take long?

-Don't think. They just are looking for a new urinal. The last one was broken by a lad that had stones in his kidneys.

-How come?

-The stone went out like a bullet, and broke the urinal to pieces.

-Pour lad.

-Yeh. They didn't return him the stone. Some football fan stole it, said it'll be useful in the game. Such hard a stone is difficult to find. Easily can crack the head.

  

---------------------------------------------

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Are you are the last?

-Yes.

-What's this queue for?

-Ah, to read a daily poem.

-It's a short queue.

-Because it's a short poem.

-Aha. And what is the queue there?

-You see, it's long. That means that there they read the best poem of the month.

-But why there is a queue on the other side too?

-They are waiting, maybe somebody explains them the poem.

-And there, you see, the queue of just two persons?

-Ah, there they read Jack's story.

-What story?

-Queue 101.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Reviewed by Linda Law 4/7/2009
Well Jack... I have been in Queue from the beginning...reading Jack's stories..so I am a Pioneer (we call the first in the bunch Pioneer's...altho I can think of something better! duh).. Your work is so good...just keep writing....and I'll stay in queue.... hehe... hugs, lindalaw

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