Monday, May 4, 2009, 8:14 a.m., P.T.~

Dear Journal~

Terri Ruth here.  I am sorry if I haven't written in here lately; seems that no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to stop crying. Everywhere I look, I see Nashi, and I end up missing her; and the tears start afresh.  It's crazy!

Am I ever going to stop crying?  Am I ever going to stop missing Nashi so much?  Am I ever going to be happy again?  I somehow doubt it; some days it's all I can do to keep from crying yet again or get out of bed!

I just thank God I have Tovah and the boys (Hyman and Wallace); if it weren't for them, I would have gone off the deep end right after we lost Nashi!

I know God has His reasons for taking our daughter; it still doesn't make it any easier, however.  I just wish she could have been healthy, like her younger brothers.  I don't know why Hy didn't get Canavan disease whereas his sister did; he was spared; maybe it was meant to be.  I had more than enough trouble with one handicapped child; I don't know how I could have handled two!  It would have been much more than I could bear!

With Mother's Day around the corner, it seems that the tears come faster.  I see mothers with their families intact, or mothers playing, interacting with their children, and it makes me sad.  We tried our best to be there for Nashi, provide for her, but at times I felt we didn't do enough, especially me (and I was with her 24 hours a day a lot of the time!).

Somehow I felt we failed her; maybe this was why God called her home. 

I am going to start seeing a counsellor this week; I have to do something to get over this maddening grief before it eats me up like a cancer!  Hopefully this will help; anything has got to be better than this constant depression that's gotten such a grip on me!

We have been talking about trying for another child; but what's to say that this child would have Canavan's or not?  Once it happens, it could happen again, and I'm just not ready to face that all over again!  What we went through with Nashi during her brief nine years on this earth was more than enough!

We may even adopt another child: perhaps one from Russia, maybe another one from China, or maybe a child from India, Vietnam, or the Phillippines.  Anything is possible; it depends on what God tells us what to do.  We shall see!

Well, I am crying again; tears threatening to fall yet again, getting harder to see this paper.  I will write in here again soon; just keep us in your prayers!  We are really having a hard time now!  We miss our daughter so much!!  Thanks in advance!

~Love, your friend, Terri Ruth.  :(