Saturday, May 16, 2009, Nashville, TN., 7:20 p.m., D.S.T.~

Dear Journal~

Howdy!  Ronee' Le-Anne Reaux here!  I wish I could say I am doing great; however, I got to thinking about the upcoming retreat a week from today, and all of a sudden, I am worried.  I don't know what to expect.

I was supposed to have gone to this retreat last year; however, I had an allergy attack, and I felt like pooh-pooh.  I really wanted to go; however, it seemed that Satan had other plans. 

Jerk!

At this retreat, they will be dealing with different areas of life, things that may have been passed down through generations, or things that have affected your very life and how you feel about yourself.  Some of these things are very serious:  death.  Abuse.  Anger.  Addiction.  Fear.  Freemasonry.  Guilt/Shame/Condemnation.  Mind Control.  Poverty.  Purity (Passage to Purity).  Rejection.  Self Hatred. 

I don't know what areas have affected me, but I'm sure I have one or more.  I have felt angry, abandoned, rejected, afraid, guilty, ashamed, and at times I haven't loved myself, especially when I'm going through a bad time.  I am sure I will be scared because I don't know what will happen, and I'm afraid I will lose control of my emotions and cry like an idiot, or do/say something embarrassing, and everyone will then laugh at me.

Maman and daddy have been at this retreat before; they say it's nothing to be afraid of because God will deliver you of these things, and you will be healed/set free in the end; you'll then feel so much better about yourself.  Maybe so; however, I can't help but worry.  (I've always been a big worrywart.  Ask maman; she knows!)

This is the second year for kids and teens to be involved (Johnny's second time, my first), and I am sure this will be good for them.  Johnny said there were a lot of kids there, and next weekend there will probably be even more kids attending, as well as adults of all ages:  young, middle-aged, elderly:  all ages will be represented.  They'll even have kids there.  (I'm talking kids younger than eight.)

I don't know how they'll do the kids retreat, but the adults say there's much praise/worship, prayer, and time spent at the alter, where God is dealing with hurting people.  There will be a lot of tears or people shouting/yelling.  That part worries me; I don't want to do something embarrassing in front of people when I go up to get prayed over!  I'd just die!  (Not really.)

The part that scares me most of all, I guess, is dealing with the past issues of my life, having to face those hurting feelings of pain all over again.  I don't think I can do it; I'd rather hide my pain than to bring it out in the open.

Maybe that's one reason why I'm so emotional because I have so much anger in me.  I've been hurt too many times, and I don't like thinking back to the past.  I don't want to let others know what I've gone through in my life.

Just say a prayer for me, that I get to this retreat, that nothing stops me from going.  Anything's got to be better than having to carry all this excess "garbage" and blaming others for my problems! 

(((HUGS))) and much love, your (scared) friend, Ronee' Le-Anne Reaux.  :(  >tears!<