Deidre Brownwood here.  Hope this finds you well; we are fine, but we have our good days and bad, especially when we think about Dominick, our son, who was killed two years ago by a fallen tree during a severe storm that blasted through the Nashville area.

He was only twelve years old, just a little boy.

As a result of Dommy's untimely death, Robert's health has taken a real nosedive.  He was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease just last fall, and he's now waiting to see if he can get on disability (so far, he's been denied five times; they keep telling him the same old shit:  "not disabled enough"!); we have a lawyer now; he's working on the case.

He can no longer work.  He shakes uncontrollably, and walks with a shuffle.  He uses a cane for balance.  He looks like an old man, even though he's only 48.  It's heartbreaking to see my once-strong husband reduced to a crippled, sickly grandfather.

The kids have suffered, too.  Kaylee keeps to herself, and Forrest has to repeat the third grade; he failed all of his classes just this past school year.  As for Sam, our twelve-year-old, he's been caught for truant behavior; he's had to spend a lot of time in detention. 

It's been a horrible school year for the children, and it's been equally bad for both Robert and myself.

We were going to Christ Community Assembly of God Church; however, we no longer feel we deserve to go there.  We haven't been to church since Dominick's funeral. 

We feel foolish to serve a loving God who only ends up taking away our child when he didn't have to die in the way he did.  He could have prevented that tree from falling on Dommy; He could have sent one of his angels to protect our son!  How can God says He loves us when He does terrible things, like taking away innocent children??

I've taken up smoking:  the stress of Dommy's death (and the reaccurring nightmares of the storm that took my son's life) have been too much.  I can't sleep most nights; most nights I end up walking the floor (or taking care of my sick husband).  It's been a total disaster.

Louisiana Sandusky, Kendra Kent, Ycinthia Morales, and countless other members of the church have tried to keep in contact with me, to let me know that they think of us; I tell them to go to hell and stop bothering me; I don't want to have anything to do with God or church; it's a huge waste of my time.

Depressed, you say?  Yes I am.  Who wouldn't be?  I lost my oldest son; our lives are in shambles, and I don't see any hope on the horizon anytime soon!  It's like we're stuck in some long, dark tunnel with no light at the end!

The approaching holiday is the worst:  July Fourth was Dommy's favorite time of year.  He loved shooting off firecrackers and watching the fireworks; now they're only painful reminders of what was taken away; we don't want to have anything to do with celebrating.

Why should we??

Well, I am going to go; am crying again.  Godd***it, I hate this!!  I think it would be better if I just threw my life away; I have nothing left to live for!

~Deidre Brownwood.  :(  >tears!<