Tuesday, June 16, 2009, Nashville, TN., 10:20 a.m., D.S.T.~

Dear Journal~

Johnathon here.  I am writing because I have to apologize to everyone for the way I have been acting lately.  Let's face it:  I've been a real jerkass.

I especially want to apologize to my family, in particular my daddy and my mom.  My daddy and my mom don't deserve to be treated like crappola; they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect; that's not what I have been showing lately.

Secondly of all, and probably just as important, I want to apologize to the Cohen family, in particular, Rebekkah Rachel.  I made a comment about Jewish people, and it was totally uncalled for.  I didn't realize that she had lost relatives in the Holocaust; it's still an open wound for her, especially when they talk about it in school or she hears/reads something about it.

I hope they find it in their heart to forgive me.  If they forgive me, fine; if not, then that's okay too.  They have a right to be angry with me.  I acted totally out of line.

I just wish people would know what I've been going through, in relation to my own health.  I have had to have a PICC line installed in my chest, to get extra meds and nutrients; being hooked up to an IV four times a day is no picnic, let me tell you!  It really puts a huge cramp in what I want to do!  Or if I do have to go anywhere, the IV crap goes along with me; then people are looking, wondering why I have an IV tube snaking out from underneath my shirt!  It's really embarrassing; I already have enough medical paraphenalia on me; why only add to it??

I know I've lived longer than what doctors thought I would (and that's good!); I'm just waiting for that other shoe to drop.  Not knowing what my body is going to do from one day to the next is scary; I wouldn't wish that kind of fear on anybody!!

In additon to my mom, daddy, and the Cohens, I want to apologize to my sister Ronee', who is facing some of her own worries.  She's been worried about me, and she's especially worried about her upcoming audition for AGT next week.  She's tried out twice, and twice she got cut.  She tries so hard; yet when the "big audition" comes calling, she chokes, and she screws up.  Nerves.  I feel so bad for her; she really wants to become known in music, particularly in Cajun or country!  She's really good at what she does; she has the makings to be a true star!!

I am apologizing to Ronee' because I have been insanely jealous of her.  Instead of supporting her in her dream, I always make digs at her, or tell her to go jump in the lake, in no uncertain terms.  That's not being very supportive!!

I hope that when she does go to her audition next week in Las Vegas, she nails it and makes it; in fact, I hope she goes all.  The.  Way!!  She could easily inject some Cajun Blood in the competition!!  :)  She's awesome in both her singing and her musicianship!!

I bet she'd blow the judges clean out of the water with her fiery Cajun accordion, not to mention, her soaring vocals!!  :)

If a four-year-old girl can make it to the top ten, then so can a 16-year-old Cajun music phenom!  :)

I start seeing a mental  health professional next week.  I am nervous about that; I'm not ready to tell a complete stranger of my deepest, darkest thoughts!  Maybe it will do me good, help me get a handle on my wild emotions, or get me out of this deep, blue funk I've been in!  God, I hope so; I HATE it when I get like this!!  I sometimes wonder if I'm the one who needs to go into the looney bin; I've been a real b****** lately!!

Maybe my teen hormones are in hyperdrive!  Nothing else can explain it!

Well, I'm crying again, so I'll go.  Just keep me in your prayers; I really need a huge touch from God!  I will write in here again soon; until then, this is Johnathon signing off!  Take care!

~Love, your friend, Johnathon Sandusky.  :(