My marriage to my second husband was on the rocks. We were in our mid thirties and had only been married a year. To figure out what was wrong we asked another married couple to give us feedback. The couple listened intently and nodded their heads.
To my dismay they recommended I attend Al-Anon. They were right.
The program helped me see how I was so busy taking care of my husband’s problems and needs I’d lost sight of my own. I could not tell where his world ended and mine began. It was as if I was living another person's life. When I was unable to get him to make better choices and be more self reliant I became overwhelmed, angry and exhausted.
To my surprise Al-Anon participants did not tell me what to do. Instead they shared their stories about how the Al-Anon principles had made their lives better. I learned the answer to my problems lay not with my husband but with me. The more I paid attention to my life the less I tried to direct and control his. It slowly dawned on me that my husband’s irresponsible behavior did not give me the right to control him. It was a relief to realize other adults are not my responsibility and there really is a way to live and let live.
I learned from the other Al-Anon members to practice detachment.
Although my marriage ended Al-Anon gave me a new beginning. It was a huge revelation to discover although I cannot control another person I can control my reactions to them. That inner peace and serenity is possible no matter what other people do. Once I began to improve and regulate myself it became easier to not find fault with others.
I thought I’d mastered my new found skills until my sister and brother-in-law came to live with me for five months a couple years later. Over time I became concerned about their money management skills and choices. Remembering the Al-Anon Program’s teachings about detachment I expressed my concern matter-of-factly and let it drop. I was proud of letting go of my concerns. However the following morning I developed a severe neck and back ache. My neck pain was so intense I could not turn my head for a week. At the next Al-Anon meeting I shared my thoughts about my sister and brother-in-law. To my surprise I began to sob. As I spoke the ache in my neck evaporated like mist. Since my sister and brother-in-law had a sense of humor I later joked, "You’re a pain in the neck!" We all laughed.
Al-Anon taught me there’s a time to express concern and a time to detach. I leaned it’s best to be honest with myself and others and to examine my motives before I speak. If my goal is to change, fix, shame or get revenge it's best to practice detachment. I found my life went more smoothly when I expressed my feelings and needs without expectations. When I allowed others to decide what they want to do.
I learned there's a constructive way and a destructive way to express my feelings. When I express anger or hurt about a person’s behavior they are more receptive if I start my sentence with “I” not “you.” Conflicts disappeared when I focused less on the problem and their behavior and more on the solution and my feelings and reactions.
The more I learned to surrender my will to a Higher Power the more I was able to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and found new wisdom to know the difference.
Ten years later I married Bud, my third husband. We’ve been together for 13 years. Although we have a great marriage we once in awhile have to practice resolving our differences by applying the Al-Anon principles. This time I’m fortunate. My husband attends the Al-Anon meeting with me and is just as dedicated at mastering the art of constructive communication and detachment. We recently had to apply some Al-Anon principles to an issue.
Bud thought I was talking too loud in a restaurant and snapped, “Niki, you're talking too loud. Lower your voice.”
Embarrassed I covered my mouth and lowered my voice. At home I shared, “Bud I feel like a three-year-old who has just been scolded in public for being naughty. It's embarrassing!”
“You need to lower your voice in public,” he replied defensively.
“I want to rebel when you reprimand me. Besides our friends say they haven't noticed my talking too loud,” I sighed. “Anyway, I think you have the same problem. Like they say in Al-Anon “When you spot it you got it.”
We smile.
What do we do now? I asked.
“I'll just walk away!” Bud replied huffily.
You haven't told me how you feel.
He thought a moment. “I feel ashamed.”
“I do too. I fear our friends might think badly of you for embarrassing me.”
“The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them,” Bud replied sheepishly. I'll try not to do it again.”
“I'll try to pay attention and lower my voice. You could use sign language. Point to your mouth,” I said thoughtfully.
“You won't see me.”
“I might. Since we've listened and heard each other I think it’s time for both of us to practice detachment.”
We both laughed.
The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experiences, strengths and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
The Al-Anon Family Group headquarters, Inc. 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, VA 23454-5617 Phone: 757-563-1600
Sernity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
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