Thursday, June 16, 2009, 6:51 a.m., D.S.T.~

Dear Journal~

Julie Jasmine here.  I am still camped out here at the hospital, where my mami continues to lie in a comatose state in the Neuro ICU.  I haven't been home in several weeks; I miss my family, but I don't want to leave my mami, in case something should happen, or in case she should wake up again!

I am trying to remain hopeful; however, at each new report from the doctors, I am becoming more and more discouraged, and I am finding it harder to trust in God, let alone, believe in Him.

Doctors still don't know if my mami will wake up; if she does, she might remain in limbo:  not unconscious, but not really aware either.  A vegetable-like state, where other people would have to provide for her needs, since she couldn't possibly do them by herself.  She'd be like a child or even an infant, and I don't think I could handle seeing my mother like that!

Or she could wake up; however, she'd probably be severely handicapped.

In any event, the injury to her brain was massive; this is why doctors are giving out such grim prognoses for her chance of recovering from the accident.  And all because of some fool who decided to get lit up like a Christmas tree before getting in a car! 

I still blame him.  I guess I always will.  After all, he was the one who chose to do this, get drunk before driving, and he acted irresponsibly--and changed the life of a family forever.  I find it incredibly hard to forgive someone like that, for the damage they've caused our family.

I peek in the ICU room where my mom is entombed; she continues to lie there like a mummy, tubes still plugged into her, monitors recording her lifesigns.  It's so heartbreaking to see her like that; she should be home, taking care of her family, not lying in a hospital bed, fighting for her life!  I tell ya, life sure isn't fair!

I am more than ready to go home; I want to see daddy and my siblings!  I want to see my cat; I want to see my room!  I want to see my friends, forget about the hospital, or what's happened to my mom, pretend it is only a nightmare!!  I miss my life!!!!

If I leave the hospital, however, something might happen to mami and she might die; and I'd never forgive myself because I wasn't there during her last momemts!  After all, if she were to die (and there's still that chance), I would, at least, like to say my final goodbyes to her, tell her I love her!  Make it a little easier on myself (and her)!

So I'm stuck.  Do I leave the hospital, or do I continue to stay?  It's a catch-22 situation.

Well, Dr. Vijam wants to talk with me again, so I'll go.  Hopefully he will have a little better news about my mom; God, I sure hope so!  I am tired of all the bad news lately; it's getting to the point where I want to scream:  "Enough is enough!!!!"

Will write in here in a few days; please continue to lift up my mami, Kristina, as well as my family, in your prayers; we could still use that miracle!  Thank you!

~Love, your friend, Julie Jasmine.  :(

*To be continued*