Barrow, Alaska, July 21, 2009, 12:42 p.m., Alaska Time~

Dear Journal~

Mattaq Eegeesiak writing.  Hope this finds you better than I'm doing at the current time:  still working, but don't know for how long.  There's talk that the factory where I work might shut down within the next few months.

There isn't much opportunity for employment here in Barrow; I might have to end up moving elsewhere, like perhaps, Fairbanks, which is several hours away from here.  Seems that there's a lot more chances for me to find a place to live and work there.

I am able to pay my bills; however, after I pay them, there's not much for me to live on.  I often have to resort to eating canned goods or try to find some game for me to be able to eat; often I'm left empty handed.  It's very frustrating. 

I have lost over 30 pounds since losing my sister; I'm wasting away to practically nothing.  My clothes hang on me; when it becomes colder here, I am going to have to wrap up in as many blankets as possible or else I might freeze to death.

I'm paying off my sister's medical bills; this is why I am often left with little money after paying them.  I am lucky if I have five or ten dollars per week; that's all I' m living on.  I have tried to get on food stamps or governmental assistance; however, they are too slow in responding, and by the time they get to me, I might as well have already starved to death.  Very disconcerting.

I see Sikik wherever I look:  in the pictures on the walls, in the auroras that dance outside in the few hours we have darkness (twilight), in the decorations that adorn our home, even in myself when I look in the mirror.  She and I looked a lot alike, or so I'd been told.  I also see her in her sisters and brothers, and it's enough to make me cry.

I still question myself whether I did the right thing in having her committed to the nursing facility prior to her death.  Caring for her was getting to be impossible; I couldn't do it any longer, so I had no other choice but to have her placed.  I feel very guilty; I think I may have had a part in hastening her death.  If she hadn't gone to the nursing home, she probably would have lived another six months to a year or so.

I know Sikik couldn't help herself with her MS acting up and all; however, I do feel she deserved a far better life than she had when she was alive.  I just wish that something could have been done to alleviate some of the pain, the suffering, she experienced; no person in their right mind has a right to endure what Sikik did!  She went through hell!

Well, the phone is ringing.  If it is another bill collector, I think I am going to feed myself to the nanuqs; anything's gotta be better than this!  Just keep me in your thoughts; pray to the spirits that something good happens; I really could use a break from all this bad news!!  Thanks in advance~

~Mattaq Eegeesiak.  :(