Summer 2009, 3 August, evening, 8:21 p.m.~

Dear Journal~

Aasha Singh here.  I know I just wrote only last month; however, I said I'd write in here if anything changed, regarding our younger child.  Well, things did change:  Sanjeet no longer lives with us; he now lives in a residential home for severely handicapped children.  The care he required was too overwhelming; I couldn't take it anymore, so I had no choice but to do this, to save our family.

And my sanity. 

I was past the breaking point.  It got to be where I was very close to thinking of killing my child, so he wouldn't have to suffer any longer.

I feel sad for our little boy, knowing that I threw him away.  I know I didn't; yet I keep having feelings of guilt and shame, feelings that I failed him.  I couldn't deal with his serious disabilities; I had to do it to save our marriage, our life as a family.

Now that Sanjeet lives away from us, I know he is getting the best possible care, where trained doctors, nurses, and therapists who are always on call, can care for his needs twenty four hours a day while we try to resume living life as a normal family.  It isn't easy because we all miss Sanjeet so much.

Sanjeet didn't deserve to have this accident of two years ago happen to him.  I just wish something could have been done to prevent this from occurring; I still say it is my fault for not being there, where I could have somehow protected him.  I will never forget the panicked tones in my husband's voice as he told me what had happened to our child, then seeing him later in the ICU, fighting to live, so many tubes hooked up to him.

He might as well been better off dying instead of becoming a human vegetable; yet that is exactly what he is.  A human vegetable.  He can't see, talk, walk, even feed himself or go to the bathroom by himself.  He needs to be taken care of as though he were an infant.  He is totally helpless, and all because of an accident that didn't have to happen.

Now that he is safe in the institution, I can actually enjoy my husband Manjeet and Vida, our ten-year-old daughter.  I am finding out how smart my daughter really is and what a dedicated doctor my husband is.  He works many hours, but he tries his best to provide for us.  

Best of all,  I can actually get out of the house, where I can go shopping with my family or friends, take in a movie, go out to eat, or just go to the park, where I can meditate about life.  I can even partake in yoga, which is something I hadn't been able to do ever since Sanjeet became disabled.

We do visit Sanjie on Saturdays; he is always glad to hear us, feel our presence, but every time we leave, we cry bitter tears, because again, the guilt takes over, for abandoning our child to such a cold, impersonal, sterile environment, with nobody but strangers to care for him.

I have since written to the lady in Tennessee, apologising for my actions towards her.  She was only trying to help, trying to reach out to a hurting person.  I hope she writes back; if she doesn't, I don't blame her one bit.  I was incredibly rude and nasty towards her.  I wrote to her only yesterday; I wrote her a ten-page letter.  If she responds, I will be incredibly surprised.

Well, I am crying again, missing my baby boy, so I will go now.  I will write in here again with more news about our family and how we are coping, now that Sanjie is in the care of others.  I just hope he finds it in his heart to forgive me for doing this; I had no other choice because the care he required was wrecking our family, not to mention, my health, my sanity.

Until then, this is Aasha Singh signing off!  Take care; I will write in here soon!  Just keep us in your thoughts!  We would greatly appreciate it!

~Aasha.  :(