Friday, August 14, 2009~

Dear Louisiana Sandusky~

Thank you for the letter of the other day; I appreciate  it.  I just hope you accept my apology, for being so nasty to you in the past.  You didn't deserve it; however, once I explain things, maybe you will understand my side of things.

As you know, I have two children, a beautiful little girl named Vida, and a sweet little boy named Sanjeet.  You also know that for the past two years, I have acted as my son's primary caretaker after he became severely handicapped due to an accidental hanging.  He went through hell just to survive; it was harder on us than him, I think. 

I tried so hard to be there for him; I tried so hard to give him the love, the care, the nurturing he still needed; but what do you do when your child can no longer put his arms around your neck and say "I love you, mommy"?  What do you do when you have to squirt meds or nutritional suppliments down a feeding tube that's attached to his belly because he can no longer eat on his own without risk of choking?  What do  you do when you have to change shitty- or pee-filled diapers every few hours?

What do you do when your son goes into yet another terrifying seizure, and you don't know if he's going to pull through?   What do you do when you have to explain to well-meaning people why your son can no longer run around, play, talk, or kick a ball; all he does is lie there, sightless, virtually a prisoner of his own body?

I felt overwhelmed by all of Sanjie's medical needs.  He didn't deserve to end up like this; even two years later after The Accident, I still blame myself.  I have been going to counseling, but it doesn't seem to be doing me any good.  I am still as angry, as bitter, as frustrated as I was when Sanjie was here.

I also find myself breaking down.  O, Louie, I miss my baby boy so much!!  I miss kissing his soft, plump cheeks, looking at his sparkling, dark-brown eyes, running my fingers through his thick, wavy hair, and holding his small, warm body next to mine!  It's as though he's dead because he's no longer here; instead, strangers take care of him, twenty-four-seven, because I was too frustrated with him!

Was I wrong to put Sanjeet away like I did?  Is there any way I can possibly get him back, or at least, if that should happen, get the help I so desperately need?  We have the money to get a nurse for him; we aren't worried about that.  It's just that when Sanjie was here, everyone paid attention to him and his needs, and it was like the rest of us were put on the back burner. 

That's what hurts.  It's like we didn't even exist in other people's eyes.  All they cared about was Sanjeet, nobody else.

And what also hurts is my family back in India still blame me for being a terrible mother because I didn't do enough to protect him.  They don't want to have anything to do with me or with Sanjeet.  They barrage me with guilt trips, and they make me feel less like a human being.

What do I do?  Who do I turn to?  I am trying like hell to move on, but the truth is, I can't. 

Well, I am crying again, so I will go.  I do hope you will write back and at least understand why I feel the way I do about things.  Now you know.  I will write back after I hear from you again.  I'll be waiting for your next letter.

Take care and please continue to keep me in your prayers.

~Aasha.  :(